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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 1:55:16
It's two o'clock in the morning. I'm supposed to be up at five a.m. I don't know if my clock radio will do the trick. I am calling around trying to hire a marching band. Not having much luck. Everybody in my house seems a little put out with me, but I don't blame them. It is a wonder I have any toes left as I keep shooting myself in the foot. I am not as crazy as some people would like to think I am. I have had the same job for the last 14 years. I actually make decisions that could potentially affect the future of others. Although just now when I typed that, it scared me a little bit. There is a point to this rambling, and by golly I hope someone figures it out. But if nothing else, maybe some of the bile that stains my soul will spill out and I will get a moments relief. Whoa! That sounds way more tragic then I had intended. There is a part of me that is basically OK. It functions as a father, husband, worker bee,and good neighbor. Then there is this other me. He is terribly confused, scared, sad, empty ,lonely and more than a bit whacko. I don't have a clue as to how these two creature manage to inhabit the same body. I do know that they are at the heart of what chronically causes me to struggle with practically every f*cking thing I try and do. I am not the poor unfortunate man who lives under the bridge with all his belongings wrapped tightly in a plastic trash bag. His plight is horrific and identifiable. I am one of the luckiest men on the face of the planet. I am physically healthy, some may even say fit. I am educated and I have a support system that proffesses to care about me. I have what a whole lot of people would consider a good life. So why don't I feel the security, peace of mind, and fullfillment, that should be the result of this. Why instead am I a frightened, anxious, pathetic shadow. Well possibly I'm just a whiny, sniveling, spoiled, weakling who is just too self involved and inconsiderate to appreciate just how fortunate he is. And there is probably a whole lot of truth to that. I can even accept that. But I don't want to be. I want to be able to appreciate what is around me. I want to feel my good fortune. God this sounds soooo petty. And I despise myself even more when I think of the horrendous conditions & situations that so many in the world must struggle with. But I guess, your worst problem, is your worst problem. I gotta stop now. Maybe someone can finish this for me. Sorry to be such a putz.
kid
Posted by tabitha on March 19, 2004, at 10:49:08
In reply to Alrighty Then, posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 1:55:16
Hey there. Don't beat yourself up. Sounds like you're maybe forgetting that you've got some brain chemistry issues that cause mental pain? (at least I'm assuming you do or you wouldn't be here at all). That stuff is hard to deal with, regardless of what your life looks like from the outside. You can't help that, and you didn't choose it, so how about talking back to that voice that's criticizing you for being in pain?
Posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 11:27:28
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then, posted by tabitha on March 19, 2004, at 10:49:08
It is all about brain chemistry and I have quite a little science project goin on up there. If you happened to read my earlier post you probably know I've been having a bit of a battle lately getting my mood stabilized. (I'm Bipolar) Last nights post was mainly just born out of frustration. (and a bit too much Vodka) I think it may have sounded more dramatic than I had intended. Just a little self induced guilt trip. I have been made to realize recently that there are certain areas in my life.....that there are certain connections and relatonships that I really want & need. I just worry that I might never have them. Thanks so much for your reply. It always means a great deal to me when someone puts there own struggles aside to offer me support and insight. Have a wonderful weekend.
kid
<<Hey there. Don't beat yourself up. Sounds like you're maybe forgetting that you've got some brain chemistry issues that cause mental pain? (at least I'm assuming you do or you wouldn't be here at all). That stuff is hard to deal with, regardless of what your life looks like from the outside. You can't help that, and you didn't choose it, so how about talking back to that voice that's criticizing you for being in pain?>>
Posted by fayeroe on March 19, 2004, at 18:48:47
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then » tabitha, posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 11:27:28
Hey Kid!!!! You are a valuable member of society and it shows in your posts.......Please don't beat yourself up so much. We have some brain chemistry going on that we have to deal with on a daily or hourly basis! That we've come this far is pretty terrific!!! So, hang in there and know that others care about you and your feelings. Best.....
Posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 20:58:36
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then » kid47, posted by fayeroe on March 19, 2004, at 18:48:47
For taking time to read and respond. I appreciate it more than you know.
kid
Posted by fayeroe on March 19, 2004, at 21:53:21
In reply to Thanks » fayeroe, posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 20:58:36
I do know how you feel. I'll be driving down the street and see someone looking at me from the next car over and wonder if they can tell that I'm "sick".........I look normal and act normal sometimes. :-) I've been a valued member of my community for a very long time and for what a price it has been at times!!! So, birds of a feather flock together~~~~
Posted by shar on March 20, 2004, at 15:17:58
In reply to Alrighty Then, posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 1:55:16
Kid,
I very much agree that we too often forget that a lot of what goes on with us is chemistry. Yet we still expect to be the best at whatever we undertake (and often are, despite the inherent difficulties). I've noticed a lot of people on this board have the bar raised so high it's almost impossible to reach, and every perceived flaw is magnified tenfold, and any error we make or mistaken words we utter are used as weapons against ourselves over and over again.I've known you a while, and I can understand both sides of the experience you describe. It's like being a double agent or something, only we're the good guy and the bad guy to our own selves (with the good guy hardly ever getting anything close to equal time). Basically, however lousy we feel, most of us go on trying to do the right thing and living with all the integrity we can muster--including you. And, believe it or not, it usually amounts to a LOT of integrity, and a lot of good works, in spite of being crazy or crazed or suicidal or whatever ails us.
What am I trying to say? hmmm. I think maybe "onward through the fog" sums it up nicely. (That's the 'motto' of a local head shop here, and so very true, I've always felt.)
Give the good guy a little more time--equal time, even. And keep writing, singing the blues, and breathing in and out. I have a lot of respect for you, and admiration, Krafty. Hang in there.
Shar
Posted by Karen_kay on March 21, 2004, at 13:42:03
In reply to Alrighty Then, posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 1:55:16
Oh God, I hope I'm not alone in saying we ALL feel this way. I know I do. I'm constantly struggling to figure out, if I'm making it or pulling through, or if I really have it together at all. I hardely doubt that I have everything figured out, and that is the beauty of life, kid. Sometimes things do become overwhelming, but I try to look at the joy of the little things in my life that I do have going for me.
But, don't feel alone in this for a second. I think everyone struggles with uncertainty from time to time. That uncertainty is what makes us strive to be better people. Obviously you have something pretty special shaking around in that head of yours, or I wouldn't bother to answer your posts in such a supportive manner. Just know that we all struggle with this, in fact I do every day of my life. I think that fate delivers what you need at the time you need it. Can you just put your faith in that? I try, but I get so tired of waiting...
Posted by Karen_kay on March 21, 2004, at 14:18:03
In reply to Can you put on your happy face for me know? » kid47, posted by Karen_kay on March 21, 2004, at 13:42:03
Ok, the know should be "now" and I'm going to sleep off the martini's from the airport bar. Kid, take care of yourself and feel better soon because it's only making me sad that you're sad, and you don't want to make me sad. I'll tell you a funny story, ok? I sat next to a guy on the flight there who knew all about diamonds and I asked him to tell me ALL the different kinds. So, I fell asleep listening to him list off the different types of diamonds like a bedtime story. I even had sweet dreams, no nightmares. Was that you, working your magic? I prefer to think so. Good things are coming your way dear. Just let them happen and try not to think about it too hard, that's when it becomes overwhelming.
Posted by All Done on March 22, 2004, at 2:07:52
In reply to Alrighty Then, posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 1:55:16
Hey, kid. You know, a few months back, I posted about the fact that I have a husband who regularly suggests I take bubble baths, a beautiful son who knows nothing is wrong with the world except the fact that Elmo is not on TV twenty-four hours a day, and friends who rival my trained therapist in the support and empathy departments. I have a great life and I most definitely have moments of feeling like a spoiled rotten child.
Until days like today. My husband asked me a few pointed questions about my therapy and I ended up blurting out a bunch of painful things I had never shared with him. I saw the hurt in his eyes. He was hurting for me. I was hurting and have been hurting for me.
No matter what is on the surface, I have to remember it may be exactly that - just the surface. Many, if not all, of us here are suffering from pain that runs much deeper and I think it is what keeps many of us Babblers feeling so connected. That said, we all deserve to be free of the deep hurt many of us are living with. Including you, kid.
I struggle with this and I imagine I will continue to struggle with it. I have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to take care of myself, yet it's the first thing I tell others to do and I will make no exception for you.
Take care of yourself,
All Done aka Putzette writing this at two o'clock in the morning
Posted by fallsfall on March 22, 2004, at 7:22:35
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then » kid47, posted by All Done on March 22, 2004, at 2:07:52
>My husband asked me a few pointed questions about my therapy and I ended up blurting out a bunch of painful things I had never shared with him. I saw the hurt in his eyes. He was hurting for me. I was hurting and have been hurting for me.
AllDone,
What a wonderful man.
I don't know what else to say. To be *understood* by someone who loves you is priceless.
Posted by kid47 on March 22, 2004, at 12:29:17
In reply to *$# And I wanted it to be perfect... » Karen_kay, posted by Karen_kay on March 21, 2004, at 14:18:03
Well look who's back!! You have really been missed around here. I tried in vain to fill the void you left, but my smart allecky rhetoric just can't compete with yours. :) Thank you for your concern and support. I just had a couple of bad days but I'm feelin fine now. So don't you worry about me. You need to crack them books and graj-e-ate from that hi fallootin' college. One of us is gonna have to get a job ya know.(and since I am an arteeest-I certainly can't be expected to compromise my talent doing meanial labor) Have a perfect day. Glad you're back.
kid
> Ok, the know should be "now" and I'm going to sleep off the martini's from the airport bar. Kid, take care of yourself and feel better soon because it's only making me sad that you're sad, and you don't want to make me sad. I'll tell you a funny story, ok? I sat next to a guy on the flight there who knew all about diamonds and I asked him to tell me ALL the different kinds. So, I fell asleep listening to him list off the different types of diamonds like a bedtime story. I even had sweet dreams, no nightmares. Was that you, working your magic? I prefer to think so. Good things are coming your way dear. Just let them happen and try not to think about it too hard, that's when it becomes overwhelming.
Posted by kid47 on March 22, 2004, at 12:39:59
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then » kid47, posted by All Done on March 22, 2004, at 2:07:52
Bubble bath. What a great idea. I don't remember the last time I took a bubble bath. Actually when I was really depressed, if I could manage to brush my teeth I considered it a victory. Im feeling ok today. Just got off the phone with a really close friend. I think I have had some situational stuff that has since resolved a bit, that sort of got me down. As always I REALLY appreciate your support. I just wish I was better at giving it back. Have a great week.
kid
> Hey, kid. You know, a few months back, I posted about the fact that I have a husband who regularly suggests I take bubble baths, a beautiful son who knows nothing is wrong with the world except the fact that Elmo is not on TV twenty-four hours a day, and friends who rival my trained therapist in the support and empathy departments. I have a great life and I most definitely have moments of feeling like a spoiled rotten child.
>
> Until days like today. My husband asked me a few pointed questions about my therapy and I ended up blurting out a bunch of painful things I had never shared with him. I saw the hurt in his eyes. He was hurting for me. I was hurting and have been hurting for me.
>
> No matter what is on the surface, I have to remember it may be exactly that - just the surface. Many, if not all, of us here are suffering from pain that runs much deeper and I think it is what keeps many of us Babblers feeling so connected. That said, we all deserve to be free of the deep hurt many of us are living with. Including you, kid.
>
> I struggle with this and I imagine I will continue to struggle with it. I have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to take care of myself, yet it's the first thing I tell others to do and I will make no exception for you.
>
> Take care of yourself,
>
> All Done aka Putzette writing this at two o'clock in the morning
Posted by Tootercat on March 22, 2004, at 13:21:51
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then » All Done, posted by kid47 on March 22, 2004, at 12:39:59
I am once again reminded that I do not suffer from terminal uniqueness. Kid thanks for sharing what most of us try to keep hidden except from ourselves. When I read your original post I thought...damn we come from the same family!
Hugs,Toots
Posted by kid47 on March 22, 2004, at 14:50:20
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then » kid47, posted by shar on March 20, 2004, at 15:17:58
"onward through the fog" This is my new mantra. The best part of trudging through this darkness is that we sometimes bump into the most amazing people. Shar I always make a point to read your posts. Your wit and wisdom is a source of encouragement for me. I know how tough things are for you but still you always manage to come up with something useful and perceptive. I do truly admire your strength and perserverance. I wish for you all the good things you deserve in your life.
peace, love, and happiness
kid
Posted by kid47 on March 22, 2004, at 15:07:21
In reply to Thanks kid!, posted by Tootercat on March 22, 2004, at 13:21:51
We do have our suffering as a common bond. But my dear mamma cat you are endearingly unique. Of course when people say I'm unique (ie: quite odd) I am reminded of the old sayin' "Kid, after they made you they broke the mold. Then they beat the h*ll out of the mold maker." Thank you for taking time. Have an excellent!! week.
kid
> I am once again reminded that I do not suffer from terminal uniqueness. Kid thanks for sharing what most of us try to keep hidden except from ourselves. When I read your original post I thought...damn we come from the same family!
> Hugs,
>
> Toots
Posted by Karen_kay on March 22, 2004, at 15:43:16
In reply to Re: *$# And I wanted it to be perfect... » Karen_kay, posted by kid47 on March 22, 2004, at 12:29:17
Now, you can't expect a woman like me to take care of the household expenses. I'm just not good with any apsect of money, except spending it. Seems you need to get your priorities straight right now kid. You must work so that I may spend. I am only in college to delay working even further.
Now that we have that settled..
I'm really very happy that you are feeling better. For future reference, if you aren't feeling well, don't ever tell me again. It worries me. And I don't like to be worried. So, if you start feeling bad, just pretend that you aren't and fool me please. I'd rather be fooled than be sad, ok? I'll have you whipped into shape in no time. And while I'm barking orders at you, when are you going to divorce that wife of yours? I'm still waiting... (Take care of yourself kid, I don't ever want to leave and come back with a sad kid on my hands. Come to think of it, I don't like the thought of leaving home and coming back with a kid on my hands at all, but if you're the kid I'm referring to, I suppose it's ok... Back to that mean old wife of yours... :)
Posted by All Done on March 23, 2004, at 16:50:52
In reply to Re: Alrighty Then » All Done, posted by fallsfall on March 22, 2004, at 7:22:35
> AllDone,
>
> What a wonderful man.
>
> I don't know what else to say. To be *understood* by someone who loves you is priceless.You are very right, falls. I’m an extremely lucky girl :).
This is the end of the thread.
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