![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 24 to 48 of 54. Go back in thread:
Posted by kid47 on May 2, 2004, at 20:33:22
In reply to Re: *PLACE HOLDER* » karen_kay, posted by spoc on May 2, 2004, at 17:20:04
get a room. After reading all your fast, furious, and flirtatious talk, my head is spinning and my kidneys are on fire. Excuse me for butting in here. That's what I do. I even have a Certificate of Proficiency in it. I have used my exquisitely tuned powers of deduction and jumped to some startling conclusions. My many years of undercover work with the FBI and my double aught spy status lend credence to these, what some might consider outrageous, deductions. First and foremost, Karen Kay, Spoc(and don't think for a moment I believe that is your real name), I must give credit to your ability to disguise what is truly at work here. You even, for only a moment, had me doubting my own razor sharp sleuthing insincts. All that nonsense about waxing, shaving, and the sometimes incomprehensible syntax, was just a feeble attempt to throw me off track. Well, Im sorry to inform you, I was not fooled. OH YES!!!...I am on to you! At first it just seemed like coincidental similarities in writing styles. Upon further inspection however.....EUREKA!!! it hit me like a hot kiss on the end of a wet fist!!(plagiarized) Karen Kay and Spoc are.....yes you've probably guessed by now....one in the same.(gasp) Like Michael and Latoya Jackson, these two entities only *appear* to be seperate. "But why?" you might dumfoundedly ask. Possibly some weird manifestation of a tragically confused mind? Perhaps an untreated multiple personality disorder rearing it's ugly little head. I'm a detective, not a therapist. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with all this, but you know how unhappy Dr./Mr. Bob gets when we post under more than one screen name. At this point I was willing just to rat you out to Bob and move on. But wait. Isn't this all just a little too simple. A bit too neat. Too tidy. A might *convenient*. Too "wrapped up and handed to me on a silver platter" kind of a situation....and any other cliches that come to mind? There had to be more to it. (especially since I haven't come close to my word count obligation) Something just didn't fit. Unfortunately, at this time, I have a pressing matter that makes it impossible for me to expand on what I now know to be the WHOLE truth concerning this. There is so much more than you could ever imagine. Please dear readers (both of you) make no attempt to draw your own conclusions. Trust me. You haven't a clue. You will be absolutely astonished, amazed, agog, ( dontcha just love the thesaurus) and at the same time deeply disturbed, when I reveal the REAL story....and reveal it I will. VERY soon. Standby
kid
Posted by spoc on May 3, 2004, at 3:25:24
In reply to well say it aint so! » spoc, posted by karen_kay on May 2, 2004, at 19:13:37
Karen, my little twinkie (now THAT'S a favorite word, deliciously irreverent and suitable for things from people to broad references to junky food... Maybe if I do change my name here I will come back as Twinkie...), first let me say, don't let this eleventh-hour post, issued to try to talk you down from the ledge, fool you into thinking that I am still logged on and paying attention. (How am I doin on syntax so far Kid?).
Next, let me say that my main purpose for coming into your life has surely now become obvious: to smoke Kid out and drive him insane with jealousy and into your arms. He is now clearly ready to leave his wife and family and chase the pants off your butt. I can stick around anyway, but I don't know if he'll have it, because it's obvious you'll always prefer me now.
OR! Maybe this has all been retribution for you never asking me for my slinky (the toy) joke when I selflessly offered it to you long ago. I knew then that I had to make you fall in love with me, and then shatter and abandon you in a grandiose public spectacle.
But seriously Karen, by taking me in here and under these circumstances, you have provided me with much stress relief (and keep your mind out of the gutter please). Oh, were it only permissible to joke about guns and weapons on this airplane, the additional fun and frolicking we could have shared.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.... And it is NOT over! I simply need to start logging off the Internet and in general shutting down my computer -- for hours and maybe days when possible -- for my mental health. Literally. It is THAT Twinkie, and nothing else, which is actually going on here. I have become a mushroom, a thing that lives in the dank dark under rocks, a mere shell of my former self.
I can't describe the extent to which I have taken complete refuge from my life and problems on the Internet (and in computers generally). Additionally, I am an at-home worker who can wildly abuse her flexibility. Oh, how I rue that fateful day when my DSL was connected; and then I started evoking my God-given right to move my laptop with me from room to room; so that no position would ever become too uncomfortable. Karen, have you done much rueing lately?
(Am I fooling any normal people into believing that this is more readable and they should stick with it, by breaking it up into misleading little paragraphs?) I will argue that this DOES qualify as an addiction unto itself until the day there is a neat dx box to put me in. NO, not a dx of addictive paragraph splitting, one of Internet addiction. I kid you not when I say I often wake up with my laptop on my chest, having slept with it there all night (and yes, to answer a recent question of yours, that IS one of the ways I *know* I don't move in my sleep. For I indeed do NOT tie it to myself so that it moves with me all night. The glass of water will also still be on my sternum. Well, ok, not really the latter but really the former. The latter is actually a glass of gin. HA HA HA! Just trying to dry your tears and bring a smile to your uniquely beautiful face, Molly Clea Courtney Melanie.
Yet I am also deadly serious. I am now referring to myself as nothing but cerebral hemispheres languishing on a chair. I have at times signed on and stayed on for three days without sleeping; and at all other times, pause only to visit the water closet or feed my face (Swedish Fish and Sun Chips comprise many of my meals, since I'm in a hurry to get back. And I have the keyboard disabled by embedded crumbs to prove it. Notice how there are some letters I never use? Lately I've had crumbs embedded under my comma key, so that why I have to use so many semi colons).
I used to be an annoyingly dedicated athlete (one who also has little regard for actual health, you'll recall). But only my internal organs knew it, because as long as you look very athletic, people assume you are a disciplined, clean living whirlwind. And you will be perceived as more health conscious and athletic while sprawled on the couch eating Fritos, drinking beer, and chain smoking; than someone who does not look athletic will be as they drink carrot and seaweed juice smoothies, and do pilates in a tee shirt imprinted with protests against all fun things.
But now, from sitting, my normally thin and lovely ankles sometimes swell into cankles, if you know what that is (calf feeding directly into ankle with no graded slope), and my feet look like hams. I think you can get blood clots from that kind of thing. I find myself habitually lying to people to cover my activities, just like any other addict. And worse, I type about 5 wpm, and spend most of my composition time correcting the large percentage of errors facing me whenever I look up at the screen.
Today, as usual, I sat down "JUST FOR A SEC," to "QUICKLY" (insert those irritating finger gestures that represent quotes) check my email and find out what most people in Guam eat for Sunday breakfast; and where that intersects with the breakfast habits of Far Eastern cultures and people on the first six floors of my building. You know, just a quick pass over the really important things. After which I was going to experience some authentic vitamin D and see if my legs still work, using them to creep forth hesitantly into the sunlight like a scared little albino creature ... Or, at least get my exercise skating with no skates required on the explosion of papers and documents on my floor. Also makes a good Slip 'N Slide with no water required.
However, none of those things happened. As a matter of fact, it's after 3 AM and they still aren't, and I got up 8:00 AM. Yesterday. Between my clocks with their delusional and insulting faerie land interpretation of time, and my typing disability, I spent the entire day only on emails, a couple posts, and a few uneventful Internet searches. And I bet you still think I'm exaggerating. But the thing is, I'm not. I'm really really nooooooooot. This has proven to be a perfect and perfectly disastrous refuge for me from things I was *already* very bad at making myself deal with. I'm not sure I'd put it past myself to start buying Depends so I can stay in my chair even longer. So THANK GOD everyone here ignored me! (I am K-I-D-D-I-N-G!!! It's a joke ladies and gentlemen, a joke! I swear!) ;- )
And, think of all the three-D humans that have EXPERIENCED ME IN PERSON and have now had to do without for so long. Could you even *LIVE* through that yourself? would you even *WANT* to???? Besides, Dr. Bob is going to start charging me for bandwidth soon.
So YES, at the risk of disillusioning you, I am flawed, I am obsessive compulsive and I am desperate! Mercy, how is expression of my true potential and capacity for happiness -- already in somewhat short supply throughout my lifetime -- ever going to break through at this rate??? But take heart, I only meant that my heretofore continuous daily posting to this site must slow down and even skip days. I did NOT mean that I won't be back. Or necessarily that I'll even get far. I have briefly seen the lights of a promising town glowing at the edges of these woods, but I have not yet succeeded in walking towards them.
Today, however, I was seriously wrestling with a decision on whether to set up an automatic "Away" message on my email account, which would be very drastic for me but may show signs of intelligent and salvageable life over here. If that succeeds, I may -- horrors, one day at a time, I can't even think about it yet -- lock my DSL modem away where I can't get to it at all easily. Note that I didn't say "Have my DSL disconnected." I don't want to throw myself into delirium tremens and seizures or anything.
And about that heretofore continuous daily posting. I must forewarn you that romps such as those we've shared will not be available in the archives. I had disembarked here fairly recently, and hadn't yet identified other crass, whimsical, irreverent playmates. No one took that ball but Fallen and you Karen, and let's be honest, anyone can tell I've got GREAT balls (got you wondering again, haven't I?). But even so, please, to quote a very wise woman who has left an indelible mark on my life, DON'T *READ* MY OLD STUFF! DO PEOPLE REALLY *READ* MY STUFF?? EVEN MY *NEW* STUFF??? Well, you may locate a couple slight snickers and possibly one guffaw, but most of it will be dry, Spock-like (with a 'k'), repressed, purportedly logical Vulcan tomes. That's how my collective deposits on this site can be referred to, as The Vulcan Tomes (and doesn't 'depositing' on this site sound like a naughty thing to get away with?).
Ok Karen, have I lost your fancy yet by speaking exclusively of myself in tonight's word count? Do we both prefer it when we *pretend* we are not speaking only of ourselves? Alright then, I'll leave you with this question, and I really do want to know the answer:
Has anyone ever played that joke on you where they say it is a coordination test or something, and you put your hands on the table palms down, and they put glasses of liquids on top of both of them and then one on your head? And only then do you realize what has happened; but you can't even redeem yourself by being a good sport and laughing, for fear of vibrating? How did this make you feel and how has it impacted your life?
No, I NEVER fell for that and here is ANOTHER one I NEVER fell for, and I resent you even thinking it. Stop me if you've heard it. Tell the victim you have a coordination test that will show that it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep all five of one's fingers within small circles drawn on a piece of paper (or in your case, a cocktail napkin) while running an object down the exact middle of one's nose. Then take out a quarter (or other grooved monetary increment, although quarters are commonly available and easy to saturate with lead) and draw circles around it with a pencil, pressing firmly against it...You get the rest. And no, they never ask why you need a quarter to guide your drawing of the circles. They are too busy being excited that they will be the one to defy natural laws.
Now, I HAVE heard about a girl who DID fall for that. It's not a pretty tale. She had just gotten back from a family beach vacation in winter and was supremely proud of her tan as she joined in some underage drinking at a basement gathering. She beamed as she entered the room, suspecting that she looked rather pretty; and was planning to sponge bathe only for about two weeks. This heartless coordination test was perpetrated on her, but after the damage had been done, nobody had any moisturizer to rectify all the scrubbing necessary to remove the lead tracks from her face. She was plunged from princess to sucker in an instant, wept in the bathroom, and has long suspected that all of her mental health problems radiate from that evening. Sorry to leave this on such a tragic note, but we can't hide behind jokes forever Karen.
Posted by spoc on May 3, 2004, at 5:46:34
In reply to Re: Impassioned plea from a red eyed mushroom, posted by spoc on May 3, 2004, at 3:25:24
.... AND YOU DON'T TELL THEM! When they miraculously "pass" the quarter coordination test, you scratch your head, exclaim that you don't know what went wrong, and let them walk around in public for as long as possible with a stripe of lead down their face!
...Meanwhile, it's probably turning out that everyone on the planet has been a party to this gag before and has known about it since second grade (where it belongs); **whilst I continue to embarrass myself with my obvious deficit in original or age-appropriate ideas.
Well Karen, I hope you're satisfied. In addition to making the above-mentioned spectacle of myself, I have obviously now decided not to go to sleep AT ALL today... Or yesterday... Or whenever it was. Prompted ONLY by your plea for an explanation that was issued in the early evening (and the demonstration by yet another poster, apparently in the minority thus far, of the ability to appreciate high brow wit); I have been hovering around here like a yellow jacket ever since. And it's time to work, and give any remaining brain cells to that, while fighting the urge to insert liberal references to bra size, drool, bikini lines and flying coffee tables into my reports (which I will staple on the right-hand side, causing my clients great and lasting anxiety).
Whereas otherwise, by now I would have procured a new and fulfilling career, fallen in love, had my first child, plucked that one mutant ape-like hair that grows between my eyebrows, moved mountains, won friends, influenced people, and built my quadriceps back up. THANKS A LOT KAREN!
** "Whilst" -- see? I am in reality far far away in another country, and therefore unobtainable to you. ;- )
Posted by karen_kay on May 3, 2004, at 8:02:01
In reply to Re: Impassioned plea from a red eyed mushroom, posted by spoc on May 3, 2004, at 3:25:24
nie (and bob, that line is too short! how many times must i say it? you can't even get a complete sentence in before it cuts you off, much like my old man when i try to argue. good grief, already i dislike him this morning and i haven't even seen him. oh dear, my breathing is picking up, the coffee table is across the room, i'm stepping away from the computer....)
ok, i feel better, i just threw it at his picture this time, since he's gone for work.
cankles-unfrickenbelievable!! i was just explaining this phenomenon to a friend the other day. not that i have them of course, but i do know someone. and when i need a cheap laugh, i simply ask her to pull up her pants' leg and allow me to have a look. she used to be shy about it, but no longer. when she needs a cheap laugh, i show her my breasts. funny how things work out for the better, isn't it?
spoc, we could make a great team. you could work all the time. i could spend your money. that's precisely what i'm looking for. i don't mind that you don't sleep, why should it bother you? we could always solve such problems. there are ways of wearing one's body out, you know. and by that i meant with alcohol or sleeping pills of course. just what were you thinking dear? and is there really anything wrong with being online most of the day? i hardely doubt it. robots seem to be much better to converse with than people. they don't back-talk, they aren't demanding, they don't eat, and they don't steal your cigarettes in the middle of the night. medication, yes they eat that, but never smokes. and i can live without medication but never without my trusty friend joe camel.
now, i'm not one to throw compliments around very easily, so i won't in this case. and i wouldn't be able to forgive myself if i stopped you from going to that shiny, bright city just outside your door so that others could meet a person like you spoc. but, i'm selfish too. and i won't have it. i realize your mental health may be suffering from being here, but think of mine in this case. and we all know i'm what's important here. if you were to leave (say even for a day) wouldn't that simply leave me open and vulnerable to run to the words of another poster (kid for instance). and you know he's waiting for that opportunity. and i'd run away to montana to live with kid, become a stepford wife, have 2.3 children, and be deliriously happy. is that really what you want for me? i have a feeling you and me could be completely miserable together. and misery is what i adore. are you really any different? (and why do i keep talking about robots? i know i'm scared of them. sheesh. now i'm thinking of becoming one. i must be having hesitations about something. or PERHAPS it's the rejection letter after rejection letter i keep receiving. and you're worried about your mental health? what about me? huh? well? do you even have an answer?)
ok spoc, i think i've got my complaining out. if you think it's best for your health to log off and go play with real friends, then do so. i understand. i won't hold you back. no, really, i'm not playing sappy. i guess you know what's best for you. even though real friends aren't as fun as robots. i'll remember the good times, even if they only lasted a brief 48 hours. and i'll never really find another gal like you, though i'll constantly search. and all my prospective lovers will wonder "just who is spoc? with the pointy ears? is she taking her meds?" see, i told you no one would understand. so, just go. leave. go ahead. it doesn't hurt my feelings. not one bit. oh doll, do you need some sunchips for the road? i'll give you some harvest cheddar. (did that bring you back :( did it? are you back yet? darn it. well then, just one more thing. i think i gave you an std. ha! who got the last laugh?
Posted by karen_kay on May 3, 2004, at 8:26:18
In reply to another feable plea by clea, molly, courtney, mela, posted by karen_kay on May 3, 2004, at 8:02:01
and spoc. yes, someone has played that mean trick on me before. my old man. and i didn't meet him until i was 19. then i played it on my lovely sister, who is a year and a half older than i. so, do you really feel so bad now? and he got that quarter pretty dirty with that stupid pencil, and i, like a dummey rubbed it against my nose. but, i don't recall if it was a coordination test or not. i did find out relatively fast though. my poor sister, on the other hand, did not. and i laughed, because if i fell for it, at least i had the pleasure of viewing someone else fall for it far worse than i.
so spoc, does that make you feel better? it should. i had forgotten about the whole thing until you brought it up. it didn't leave nearly the impression on me that it did you. however, i'm also known for making a jerk out of myself, so things like that don't usually phase me. (of course, not to say that you made a jerk out of yourself. honest mistake.)
but spoc, i think we can make it work. i can fight the gnomes. i have superpowers. i have a recipe for gnome pate which is superb. i can even see them. i'm like snow white in a way. furry creatures tend to flock to me. then, when they least expect it, i catch them and cook their livers, with a hint of garlic. it's a wonderful recipe. but, i must warn you, they have sharp teeth. i don't know why i bother telling you, as they won't come to play with you, only me. so, i can take care of your gnome problem.
so, in this brief (ok, maybe not so brief, but it started that way) attempt to recapture your attention (is it working? am i failing? are you listening?) i've offered suggestions, i've pleaded my point, and i've even been honest about my little infection (btw, a brief visit to the doctor and antibiotics should clear that right up!). isn't that enough? i'm attempting to recall all the things i've learned in therapy, yet reverting back to my old ways. guilt trips. hasseling. stalking even. what else can i do? isnt there so much more for us to discuss? i've yet to tell you about the cowboy style jumping trains while under the intoxication of drugs. i've not even mentioned my encounter with the meth lab upstairs. and aren't you at least curious to know about my affair with mr bob? i suppose all those stories will have to wait for another day, or another play mate.
i can't wait to see spoc again. so i can try to hold her attention for yet another 48 hours, when she'll blow through, tell her fascinating stories and break my heart.... boo hoo... kid? are you around?
Posted by karen_kay on May 3, 2004, at 8:44:50
In reply to OK you guys...Karen Kay and Spoc, posted by kid47 on May 2, 2004, at 20:33:22
kid, i always knew you were talented, handsome, and charming, but so clever? add that to your list... how ever did you figure it out? i now feel like superman caught in the phone booth with his pants down (did you ever wonder about that?). but why did you have to tell? i thought we had something special, a secret that you wouldn't expose. and now, the good time must end between spoc and i because you had to blow our cover (hmmm, this could be fun). now i'm begging you to take it back. get on your calculator watch (which doesn't work), figure out the proper calculations, and email mr bob ASAP to let him know that you were in a drunken haze, one which you've been in the last 3 decades, and didn't mean a word of it. the future of babble is in your hands kid.
now, let's think of what could happen, shall we? suppose for a moment, mr bob reads your post and decides to investigate further. he'll find my ISP, realize that i indeed work for the government, am in fact doing research as we speak on the effects of long-term coffee spillage on keyboards. from there, he'll find that i also work for starbucks, destined to design a new brand of coffee that can be spilled on keyboards without causing any type of damage to the system. he'll also find that at the same time i'm working for folgers, also preparing to create a new brand of coffee specifically designed to be spilt on a keyboard system without significant damage. he'll expose me for the fraud i am, as you can't really work for competing companies at the same time. also, i'll go to prison. granted, since i work for the governement, it'll be a federal prison, complete with tennis court and conjugal visits (and you are married, right kid? it doesn't mean i have to be married to you, does it?) so, while i'm tanning and engaging in numerous other activities, this new brand of coffee and the study will never be conducted (and if it is, it won't be conducted properly, i assure you). people will still be spilling coffee all over their keyboards and complaining about not having a coffee that doesn't hurt their system. humanity will suffer. i'll have a tan. in 20 years, i'll be released and look like an over-cooked bird since there is little to do in prison other than tan. sheesh, by then i'll be middle aged! do you really want to take responsibility for that kid? i didn't think so. quick, retraction please!!!
Posted by All Done on May 3, 2004, at 11:07:06
In reply to Re: Feeble addition from a cross eyed zombie, posted by spoc on May 3, 2004, at 5:46:34
Dear Spoc,
I beg, I plead...please don’t go. Reading this thread has been the only thing keeping me going the last few days (okay, perhaps I exaggerate a bit). But I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve shaved my legs. Granted, I have the attention span of a two-year old, so sometimes I have to read your posts in "shifts" but you have managed to keep me reading.
In all honesty, though, I must say, you’ve changed my life (again with the exaggeration, All Done!) and I do have an interesting, if not somewhat funny, story related to this thread.
A little background – as of Friday afternoon, my husband knew nothing of my adventures at this site. He did not know I post, he did not know I had been so kindly befriended by the likes of Miss Karen, he did not know we IM each other, ahem, on occasion. Well, when I got home on Friday evening, I logged in to IM for a bit and usually I am vigilant about logging out before my husband sits down to the use the computer, but, that particular evening, I erroneously left IM open. So, there I was, reading to my son his very favorite story about a duck that falls in the mud and gets very dirty. (Don’t worry. It rains and the duck jumps in a puddle. He gets clean. It’s all good.) We were on the couch next to my husband and the computer screen was in plain view. Next thing you know, I see Yahoo messenger pop up with a message. As far as I know, my husband does not use Yahoo messenger. So I realize I must have left it open and I figure odds are, it’s KK sending me a message. Well, I just watch to see what he does, and it appears as though he reads it and closes it out. I wonder what he is thinking when yet another message pops up. And another. He reads them and seems a bit confused, but closes it out again and doesn’t say a word.
Now, you are probably asking yourself, "what in Dr. Bob's name does this have to do with anything, All Done?" Bear with me. Based on the information I have now received from KK and my husband, I have managed to put together a rough description of what the IM’s looked like and the events that transpired in my home on Friday evening...
(Husband is surfing the internet for information on hardy palm trees. We live in Chicago. Don’t ask.)
(IM pops up.)
KK: hey girlie!
(Husband reads, hesitates, and closes the IM pop up)
KK: did you see spoc posted to me?
KK: she asked me if i shave my @#$%^& !!! <------ If I used the actual word here, Dr. Bob might have to have the police ship me off to that jail in Guam with kid.
(Husband reads, confusion sets in, he closes the IM pop up anyway.)
Now, after finally disclosing to him that I have online friends that he was not aware of, he said, "Oh. I thought we were getting some kind of porn pop ups." He thought KK was PORN!!!
He then asked, "so, what *do* you and 'Kelly' talk about?" I can only imagine what must be going through his head.
So, spoc, I believe I have you, in part, to thank for having an integral role in "outting" me to my husband in the best possible way ever and I would miss having more potential opportunities to refer to KK as a porn star.
Keep posting, okay? Even if you do it in your sleep. We don’t care. We aren’t picky.
With much gratitude,
All Done
Posted by tabitha on May 3, 2004, at 12:09:26
In reply to Re: Impassioned plea from a red eyed mushroom, posted by spoc on May 3, 2004, at 3:25:24
Spoc, I hear you on the all-consuming power of the internet. I drag my laptop from room to room even though I have dial-up and a battery that won't hold a charge. Sure I could get new batteries, and a wireless modem, and DSL, but then I'd be online 24 hours for sure.
I tried various anti-addiction strategies, including a 1 hr/day quota, but the only thing that helped over time was going back to work in an office. When left to my own devices, my usage just creeps upward.
I really hope you don't have to cut the cord permanently-- your posts are so well-written and funny, I'd hate to lose your presence here.
Posted by noa on May 3, 2004, at 18:35:02
In reply to Re: Left-overs » karen_kay, posted by spoc on May 1, 2004, at 18:39:04
I swear, the two of you can turn this patter, banter, reparte, what-have-you into a professional act! Take it on the road from the information superhighway to live gigs. The wit is a welcome wonder!
*still giggling* and very very entertained.....
Noa
Posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 8:25:47
In reply to Re: Impassioned plea from a red eyed mushroom » spoc, posted by tabitha on May 3, 2004, at 12:09:26
OK, GET READY FOR A GOOD ONE! (I feel *GREAT* today btw!! Maybe it's all that fish oil and ginko biloba I've been consuming lately! Hey do you really think that stuff makes you smarter? I doubt it, but sorry, I digress!) ANYWAY! You’ll be retelling THIS one for years! But actually, I was never so EMBARRASSED in my life, and I kind of can’t believe I’m going to admit to it just for the sake of a laugh! Oh well, I like to share! ;- )
Mich möchten wie das Mädchen in der Singulair Werbung sein!! Das, wer geht, Familie ihres Freundes auf dem Bauernhof zu besuchen! Sie scheint, also glücklich und gut-justiert, könnte ich sie töten! Für Karen, was die Hölle sind Sie Ihr Leben vergeudend, das Deutsches studiert, wenn offensichtlich Ihre Talente in der Abdichtenbadezimmerfliese? liegen? JA -- Ich FAND IHR TAGEBUCH, UND DIESES IST, WAS Ich ÜBER UND ÜBER SAH (SEIEN Sie SO EINFACH ZU SELBST FRAU) ZUTREFFEND:
Yes, actually it HAD started out like any other day! You know how that is?? Where you look back later and can't BELIEVE you how clueless you were about what you were in for??? Anyway, BADEZIMMER-WAND-FLIESE! Ein Haarstrichsprung, beim Überziehen läßt Wasser hinter Badezimmerfliesen sickern. Wenn Sie Sprünge in der Zeit sich verfangen, können Sie aus vorhandenen Verbindungen (a Dosenöffner funktioniert gut) und regrout reiben. Sie können mit Bewurfproben experimentieren müssen, um ein gutes Farbe Gleiches zu erhalten - Altern beeinflußt die Farbe - selbst wenn Sie ein übriggebliebenes Versorgungsmaterial des ursprünglichen Materials benutzen. Wenn angrenzende Fliesen lose sind, erwarten Sie nicht, sie zu sichern, indem Sie den Bewurf reparieren! Überziehen Sie Hilfen, um die zusammen zu binden Fliesen, aber er kann nicht sie im Platz halten. Bevor Sie den Bewurf reparieren, mischen Sie sich weg von den losen Fliesen ein und schneiden Sie hinunter die Kanten des alten Klebers auf der Fliese und auf der Wand oder Fußboden. Lassen Sie den herausgestellten trockenen Bereich, und dann stellen Sie die Fliese mit Kleber zurück und überziehen Sie die umgebenden Nähte!! Tragen Sie Sicherheit Schutzbrillen, wenn Sie Bewurf, Eichmeister anwenden oder kalfatern Sie. Auch etwas Bewürfe, Eichmeister oder kalfatert können Ihre Haut reizen; es wird empfohlen, daß Sie Gummihandschuhe beim Arbeiten mit diesen Materialien tragen. Stellen Sie auch genügende Ventilation während dieses Prozesses zur Verfügung und wenn notwendig, benutzen Sie einen NIOSH-anerkannten Respirator!!
I KNOW, I KNOW! I HAD NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE!! And boy, did I need it that day, so I just had to share! And if you think THAT'S funny, listen to what happened next -- Die Störung, Ihr Badezimmer zu kalfatern und zu überziehen ist richtig eins der größten Probleme mit Hauptwartung!!! Viele Leute denken zweimal nicht an das Kümmern nicht von von um ihren Badezimmern. Sie duschen und benutzen ihre Badezimmer für Jahre und nie einmal Re-kalfatern oder Re-überziehen. Wenn Sie nicht Sorgfalt des Bewurfs anwenden und in Ihrem Badezimmer, über Zeit, in kalfatern und im Bewurf zu kalfatern knackt, sind Ihre Fliesen loser, und Feuchtigkeit kriecht unter Ihre Fliesen und die Wände, die Fußböden und zu beschädigen säubern die Halteträger Ihres Haupt. DANN, die Fliesen. Bevor Sie Re-Abdichten oder Re-überziehen benutzen Sie ein chemisches Reinigungsmittel der allgemeinen Fliese, um die Fliesen.
YES! That is EXACTLY how ridiculous it looked! (But I did continue to date Brad Pitt for about a year, so it wasn't ALL bad!) Anyway, the clincher really is that Überprüfung gänzlich zu säubern der Bewurf und um Hähne und Drehknöpfe zu kalfatern. Überprüfen Sie, um sicherzustellen, daß die Dichtungen um alle Ihre Hähne und Drehknöpfe gut versiegelt werden. Wenn sie nicht sind, müssen Sie die Platten um Ihre Hähne vollständig entfernen und Drehknöpfe, zwecks das notwendige Abdichten und das Überziehen von von Änderungen!!
BUT IT WASN’T ALL FOR NOTHING! Here’s what I learned from it, and you can too: UND, zu bilden, das alte zu entfernen kalfatern. Benutzen Sie einen Schaber oder ein starkes Messer, um alles weg zu reiben, das nicht Fliese ist. Werden Sie den ganzen Überrest los, kalfatern Sie, überziehen Sie und Schmutz. Dieses kann einige Zeit dauern, aber Sie möchten sicher sein, dieses gänzlich zu tun und richtig säubern das folgende!! = 0
I AGREE, that IS hard to believe, and a lot of people think it’s the MOST INTERESTING AND USEFUL THING THEY EVER HEARD, AND MAY HAVE CHANGED THEIR VERY LIVES!! Oder, Ihr Badezimmer wie das folgende! Und, säubern Ihr Badezimmer wieder. Benutzen Sie Ihr chemisches Reinigungsmittel, um die Fliese in Ihr Badezimmer noch einmal überall zu säubern. Spülen Sie den Chemikalien weg gänzlich. Dann, Gebrauch aus, den ein starkes kalfatern. Sie möchten das bestmögliche finden, für Ihr bestimmtes Badezimmer zu kalfatern. Gespräch mit jemand an Ihrem Kleinteilspeicher, zum dieses zu besprechen. Seien Sie nicht geizig. Sie wünschen die Dichtungen die Arbeit erledigen und Letztes ein langes Zeit! = 0 !!!!
RADICAL? SURE! But in order to effect PERMANENT change, sometimes a thing has to be! And it's surely easy enough to see that this could work for you too. Oder, befestigen die Hahn- und Drehknopfplatten wieder. Setzen Sie Schichten von kalfatern unter den Platten, bevor Sie sie festziehen, anwenden dann eine andere Dosis von kalfatern, nachdem sie wiederbefestigtes Abdeckband des! Sogar, Gebrauches gewesen sind, wenn Sie einen Bereich kalfatern, der eine gerade Geraden für bestes Aussehen erfordert. Lassen Sie Abdeckband entlang der Unterseite der Außenseite Ihrer Badewanne laufen, um das beste Abdichten zu haben. Sobald Sie getanes Abdichten sind, entfernen Sie das Abdeckband!!! SO!! If no one ever told you that before, I understand why you are weeping because you know how much your life can now change and improve OVERNIGHT! WITH HARDLY ANY WORK OR EFFORT AT ALL! Turns out there is NO MYSTERY TO BEING HAPPY AFTER ALL! Oh no, don't mention it, you're very welcome! : )
(JA benutzte ich einen Netz-gegründeten Übersetzer, der warnt, daß es einige Sachen oben verwirrt; und ich würde lieben, zu wissen, was dieses WIRKLICH sagt! Besonders weil, sobald ich es verwendete, um etwas in einer Richtung zu übersetzen, dann übersetzte sie zurück zu Englisch, und WIMMERN war es screwy, wenn nicht beleidigend! Haben Sie einen SCHWELLEN-Tag Karen!) :- D
But seriously folks, you like WAY TOTALLY made my day, week and maybe more with your kind words and astute appreciation of me (hee hee)! I WILL be BAAAAAACK! But, I really do have a problem! Or twelve!! ;- )
Posted by All Done on May 4, 2004, at 9:31:02
In reply to Re: OK! You guys asked for it, my BEST one yet! :), posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 8:25:47
Well, Spoc, you've absolutely made my day! What a story! Not only am I LMAO, but now I can finally unchain myself from this horrid desk and take my newfound skills to apply for that handyman's position I've always been wanting.
I know it's going to be a great day because I started it with a good laugh! Thanks for that!
Guten tag! (KK taught me that one ;).)
All Done
Posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 9:54:40
In reply to Re: Please don't go!!! » spoc, posted by All Done on May 3, 2004, at 11:07:06
Hi All Done! (How convenient, I just had this all ready to submit when I saw your latest response! But again, don't be fooled, I am not really here!)
Anyway, you see, under your very nose is the solution as to how you can prolong and re-live the hijinx between installments! You say:
> I beg, I plead...please don’t go. Reading this thread has been the only thing keeping me going the last few days (okay, perhaps I exaggerate a bit). But I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve shaved my legs. > In all honesty, though, I must say, you’ve changed my life (again with the exaggeration, All Done!)... Keep posting, okay? Even if you do it in your sleep. We don’t care. We aren’t picky.
>
> With much gratitude,
> All Done <---
<<<< So, you could print it all out, make columns on a page, and feel as if you are there again as you break the material down into categories: the things that made you laugh; the things that made you cry; the things that got you angry; and the things that were so boring that you were able to extricate yourself to shave your legs! (Hubby is grateful for the boring parts then, no?)AND THEN! In between installments, posters can meet back here to compare notes! (But watch out! There will be passionate opinions there, so please keep it civil!) Or maybe Dr. Bob will create a separate board for it all! ;- )
But seriously! I think this may all have helped me identify the best way for me to make ALL my posts pass as readable and interesting, no matter HOW long and in reality serious the material is! I'll make fun of everything I do that's messed up, which is what I prefer anyway! For example:
"I was SO lethargic...."
"HOW LETHARGIC WERE YOU?"
"I was SO lethargic, I bribed the doorman to bring me my mail after two weeks, so I didn't have to get dressed and go downstairs myself!!"
"I was SO lethargic..."
"HOW LETHARGIC WERE YOU?"
"I was SO lethargic, I MAILED my bank deposit so I wouldn't have to get dressed and go there!"
Hmmmm, on second thought, maybe that wouldn't be the same! ;- )
All Done, I must say, as far as whether I'm exaggerating about the mayhem and sloth going on over here due to my procrastination-feeding, Internet-based compulsion to hide from real life, you might be in a unique position to verify whether it's really that bad. OOOPS! I didn't say that, never mind!
BUT moving right along! About me having a hand in "outing" you to your husband. That brings to mind an interesting subject (that may have already been covered in threads before). I had considered starting a thread about it myself someday. However, since I have now admitted to myself that I can't be trusted to initiate anything online that may result in me hovering around even more, I am partially muting myself unless and until either therapy or drugs enable me to do things quicker and to moderate (That may be more likely to happen if I get INTO therapy, or a drug trial, in the first place!)
ANYWAY! The potential subject is, how do people here handle it when they really, really want to refer to this place and the people here, but are talking to someone who they are reasonably sure wouldn't take it seriously or would find it a questionable activity?? (Btw, if you like the topic and it hasn't been done to death before, feel free to take it and run with it!) :- )
But, bottom line, thanks so much for the compliment! : D
Posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 11:35:05
In reply to Re: Impassioned plea from a red eyed mushroom » spoc, posted by tabitha on May 3, 2004, at 12:09:26
> Spoc, I hear you on the all-consuming power of the internet. I drag my laptop from room to room even though I have dial-up and a battery that won't hold a charge. Sure I could get new batteries, and a wireless modem, and DSL, but then I'd be online 24 hours for sure. <
---
<<<<< You know, I have a bad battery and no wireless modem either! So makes the mess over here even worse! I have cords long enough to reach from Guam to here all over my floor, so I can drag everything around! Yes, I trip over them frequently, but what's a few teeth if I can find a way to stay on the Internet longer!Sometimes though, I accidentally rip the plug out that connects the DSL modem to my laptop, then I tremble as I realize my oxygen has been cut off and I must shut down and wait for everything to come back up again! Which, on this elderly beast, takes quite awhile. You'd think I'd use that time to take my vitamins, return a phone call or go to the bathroom; but NO, I can only stare at my computer screen as it reboots, holding my breath until I am back in a world that makes sense to me.... And come to think of it, one that I can CONTROL! Maybe THAT'S the attraction!
---
> I tried various anti-addiction strategies, including a 1 hr/day quota, but the only thing that helped over time was going back to work in an office. When left to my own devices, my usage just creeps upward. <---
<<<<<< I really do need to do something like that, but lately I've lost the sense that I even DO enjoy other things more once I'm doing them, which is ridiculous! But it keeps me one step removed from undertaking any strategy. And in any event, with me it seems to be more a matter of how my OCD or whatever it is makes ANY task imaginable take an outlandish amount of time. If I allotted myself one hour online, I would have only deleted my spam, read two paragraphs of something and written "Dear Mary, it was SO wonderful to hear from you....." by the time it was time to sign off!And it's not just the Internet I'm fascinated by. On the occasions I do disconnect for awhile (can't remember the last time at this point), in no time I am tinkering and figuring out how various functions work, and even how the computer itself works. I'll go to the edge and sometimes risk making performance adjustments that may either help or, in one fell swoop, render this thing useless junk (which may be for the best)! Never before the last few years did I even realize I had an interest in technology. (So on that note, listen to me at your own risk on computer subjects, because anything I know or think I know has been self-taught!)
The whole thing is ironic and kinda tragic. Computers and the Internet are one of the few natural passions in myself I've identified, but as things are, I could never even *dream* of channeling and using them in a fun and potentially profitable career. Which would behoove me greatly to be able to do. Sadly, even writing, another of my few natural passions, falls into this takes-me-ridiculously-long-and-turns-into-a-stressful, obsessive-nightmare category. : ( !!!!!!!
You know, I never thought I'd see the day that I longed to get back to where I only watched too much TV when I slipped into hiding-out mode! I rarely watch at all anymore, which may sound like a good thing on the surface, but is actually something I think maybe I SHOULD add in again! Because it is easier to walk away from, and to also do/think about other things even as you indulge in it! For the susceptible, computers and the Internet can grab on for so much longer, offering a diverse, interactive and self-contained world.
So whaddaya think, where should I go at Babble to best have the agony of this behavior validated? I suppose it would have to be Substance Abuse! It's ironic that there actually are a lot of online self-help forums for Internet addicts, and even Internet-based therapy for it!!!!
---
> I really hope you don't have to cut the cord permanently-- your posts are so well-written and funny, I'd hate to lose your presence here. <---
<<<<<< Thanks much, and I will continue to pop my head in! In general, I see SO many things I'd like to reply to or try to help with when I look at the boards, but lately the extent of my addiction and compulsiveness (and slowness/perfectionism when indulging) has really hit me. As with any addiction, I never know when I will end up on a real bender! The old "Oh come on, I can stop at just one" self-delusion! Well, sometimes maybe I CAN stop at just one post -- but even if I thought I only had one simple thought on something to add (as in the case at hand!), it can still get out of control!Tabitha, you are wise not to get DSL if you know your own tendencies. And also to have realized you are better off working away from home! Smart cookie! ;- )
Posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 11:54:20
In reply to Re: Left-overs and placeholders» karen_kay » spoc, posted by noa on May 3, 2004, at 18:35:02
> I swear, the two of you can turn this patter, banter, reparte, what-have-you into a professional act! Take it on the road from the information superhighway to live gigs. The wit is a welcome wonder!
>
> *still giggling* and very very entertained.....
> Noa---
<<<<<< Thank you so much noa, that makes me feel really good! As I'm sure it does Karen, but she's hit her lifetime limit for compliments already, so forget her and we'll all concentrate on MEEEE! As a matter of fact, she was just telling me that she's bored with all the attention and admiration, and wishes people would just start ignoring her. Right Karen?? (hee hee!)But seriously noa, don't even TRY to tell me this has been as much fun as our romps on Admin, talking about cookies and Internet Explorer! And don't ANY of you try to tell me my dissertations on search engines didn't make for your favorite bed time or bathroom reading of all time! "Just one more chapter, one more chapter..." I know how it is! Don't be embarrassed, for some it's trashy romance novels, for others it's material on performing Internet searches!
And I'm glad you popped your head in noa, I had wanted to say I have always found you nice to chat with! Although thus far, it's been contained to things like the above, hopefully we'll also move on someday to subjects that don't only serve as natural sleep aids to most people (besides me)! ;- )
Posted by karen_kay on May 4, 2004, at 20:22:50
In reply to Re: OK! You guys asked for it, my BEST one yet! :), posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 8:25:47
(*set scene: candles, nightie, glass of wine, soft music playing in the background, in fact piano music... yes, piano music, i like that. imagine with me, if you will, my voice is soft, yet longing, full of desire, but hurting in a way as well. does that set this up good enough? just what exactly do you people want from me? there's only so much i can do on a computer, ok? i'm trying here. if i had a camera and a crew, it would be better. i'm not an english major dam* it! but anyway, cigarette burning in the distance, a bit foggy.... that's good enough. i don't want to be here all night people. this is mearly for my amusement, sheesh!)
(*stands up, takes a sip of wine, takes time to think about what i must say. i want to think carefully about my words, as i don't want to lose spoc, now do i? voice also becomes softer. this i call 'soft' or 'nice karen')even when i attempt to translate your post, yet my attempts prove completely worthless, i'm still in love. i tried typing one word at a time, but gave up my dear. i tried yet another site that would allow up to 150 characters. i copied and pasted paragraph by paragraph, phrase by phrase to capture the essence of your secret whisper to me, yet that wouldn't quite hold my interest long enough either. i searched and i searched for a translator online spoc, i really did. what do you want from me? i can't fritter away my life here online. is that what you want? me to become an internet junkie as well, trying to read into your posts? trying to find your exact meaning of every phrase and letter? i just can't do it spoc. i just can't. (lets out a sigh...)
even when you speak a language i truly cannot stand to hear, i adore you. (*voice gets a bit louder and more demanding*) a language that sounds like you have something caught in your throat, your voice still sounds sexy to me. a language that i would swear was created when someone stapled their foot to the floor with a staple gun, you're still wooing me with the magic of intrigue and mystery. (*voice becomes demanding in a way, yet becomes softer as well. if only you people talked to me in real life, you'd understand my 'different voices'*) i must warn you spoc, you're playing a dangerous game. a game i thought i ruled. a game i thought i had created. a game i thought i had long ago mastered.
(*sitting down. drinking wine from bottle. sobbing now. notices a gnome run across the floor and throws the empty wine bottle in the general direction. the gnome is hit in the head and lies dead. karen and spoc have dinner plans tonight. karen stands up, fixes her nightie, takes a long drag from ciggie and takes a deep breath.)('authority karen' voice)
look spoc, this can't go on any longer. you have to stop with these games. why don't you just come out and say how you feel? i know i've neglected you. i know i've done you wrong. i can't say i'm sorry enough. but, let's get this out in the open. let's say what's on our minds. let's kiss and make up. you can't keep hiding from your feelings. you can't keep this up any longer. i know you still care about me. i can see it in your eyes. so, just tell me. quit speaking in this language i can't read. quit hiding behind your games. it's time for you to come right out and say it. it's time for you to be honest. it's time for you to admit it. i know one language, and that's the language of love. let's start speaking that one.
(sits back down on the couch. has another cigarette. and another. and another. by now, my voice is hoarse. i still have tears in my eyes, though my makeup is perfect. i stand, but even with feet the size of mountains, i can't keep my balance. spoc rushes to keep me up. we embrace. we kiss. she brushes the hair from my eyes. she looks lovingly into my eyes. oh yes, she's hooked once again. and she thought she had an internet addiction. ha!)spoc, in conclusion (so, i had an english final today, pardon me) i must address my point. though you try to remain mysterious with your foreign language and your cat and mouse games, i see through all of that. i know you love me almost as much as i love you. you try to make me jealous by posting briefly then leaving yet again to visit your numerous other friends and lovers. i'll not be jealous i tell you. it just won't happen. you're a wild girl (i wonder sometimes) that i just can't tame. i'll let you run. i won't even try to tie you down. well, i take that one back. but anyway, i won't keep you from your many adventures. you have days to sieze and lives to mystify. i won't stop you from doing so. i only ask that you not forget me. and that you briefly shake that lucious rump my way every once in a while. i'm stuck here. yes, i want you for my own, i'll admit that. but, at the same time i know it wouldn't be fair to the rest of the world to hold you back. you have many other hearts to break and money to steal. much like me, you are a kitty cat. willing to lie in bed one moment, then the next you are ready to punce and run to the neighbor's house for a treat of tuna and a pat on the rump. i know your type, i've seen it before. he!! i thought i invented it. so, i'm caught in my own trap i created. looks like karma kicked me in the pants.
(*walking away shaking the rump of course and the head is tilted sideways, closing the door, the lights are dimming, blowing out the candle, ashing cigarette on the floor, final puff)so spoc, is this it? are you done with me? are we really through? is this my last goodbye? i'll miss you, i really will. and i'll never be the same. and the next lover i meet, i'll take his money viciously, out of malice for my broken heart, but it won't be as fun as the last. and every time i hear the beautiful language i'll now call geroc, i'll think of you. and i'll cry. but they'll be tears of joy. because i know you'll no longer be playing slip and slide on your floor. and you'll no longer be sleeping with your laptop on your chest, but instead with mr bob by your side (and slinky of course, and through kid in there too). and everyone will be happy. and times will be good. and i'll marry donald trump. and i'll buy babble. and i'll delete this post. but, i'll never forget the times we had. so, i leave you with these final words....
new kids on the block expressed it best for me with 'please don't go girl'
Talk Intro... We've been together for a long time baby
Do you have to leave?
Please don't go girl
I just can't live without you
So listen to me don't go
(Chorus) Please don't go girl
You would ruin my whole world
Tell me you'll stay
Never ever go away
I love you I guess that
I always will
Girl you're my best friend
Girl you're my love within
I just want you to know
That I will always love you
Oh baby
Tell me you're staying
Never ever go away
I need you
I guess that
I always will
(Chorus)
Please, don't go girl
I'm going to always love you girl
I'm gonna long you girl, till the end of time
Tell me girl, that you'll always be mine
(Chorus)
Please don't go baby, no
(*door slams, music stops, lights are out. spoc is left alone, karen's sobbing in the other room. spoc picks up the coffee table and hurls it across the room. hits two more gnomes. looks like gnome stew for dinner. kid, all done (and husband looking for kelly!), slinky, noa, tabitha, and fallen all come for dinner and DESSERT!! whipped cream is served and jai cleans up the mess. ha ha jai! you lose this time! who wears the apron now?*)*side note, unrelated to this huge mess i plan to present one day somewhere some day for a new series on nbc, called "my day's a'comen"..... spoc m'dear... i meant every word of it. unless you're like me and look too hard into it. if you figure out what i meant, please let me know. i wouldn't mind stopping by to help you accomplish your mess you call work, but i have a feeling we'd be too busy to really get work done. i'm caught because i like you spoc and want to play. on the other hand, i'd like you to get your work done too. can't work wait awhile anyway? it is just work isn't it? and i'm kk. what's really imporatant here, work or play? i'd go with play, but that's just me and i have no job. but perhaps that's why i'm always broke. but, i'm pretty playful too. not that i'm trying to persuede you or anything ;) (yes, i winked at you) maybe you should get your work done darling. i'll be here. oh, but it is so very much fun playing with you too. and to think that i gave away so many secrets so soon. imagine what else you could pull out of me..... now darling, get back to work. i just saw that gnome steal your stapler and everyone knows that memo was sent about your reports. see you soon?
Posted by tabitha on May 4, 2004, at 23:39:32
In reply to Re: Cyber madness » tabitha, posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 11:35:05
that Dr Bob has anti-addiction limits on the site? you can set it to allow yourself a limited number of refreshes per 24 hour period. Like that would stop us! Ha!
You crack me up about the cords. I have a 25 foot phone cord trailing off from every outlet in the house, and little line splitter dohickeys so the phone can also be attached. Really I don't think I want a wireless modem. I like wires. Makes me feel connected. IR ports and bluetooth dongles are just creepy. T'ain't right I tell ya! If bits need to travel, they oughta travel through wires. It was good enough for grandpa and it's good enough for me!
Posted by kid47 on May 5, 2004, at 9:39:56
In reply to Re: Did you know... » spoc, posted by tabitha on May 4, 2004, at 23:39:32
that doesn't speak german?
Posted by All Done on May 5, 2004, at 9:42:40
In reply to Am I the only one on this board..., posted by kid47 on May 5, 2004, at 9:39:56
Posted by All Done on May 5, 2004, at 10:14:21
In reply to Re: ja ja sind Sie (nm) » kid47, posted by All Done on May 5, 2004, at 9:42:40
http://babelfish.altavista.com/babelfish/
Wie geht es Ihnen, kid?
Posted by All Done on May 5, 2004, at 10:18:14
In reply to Re: This is all I've been using... » All Done, posted by All Done on May 5, 2004, at 10:14:21
Posted by spoc on May 5, 2004, at 10:22:45
In reply to a vicious cycle.... » spoc, posted by karen_kay on May 4, 2004, at 20:22:50
Karen, cupcake, I KNOW! It IS a vicious cycle, LIFE ITSELF is a vicious cycle!! (Is that even how you spell 'vicious,' it has always been one of my problem words, I just don't know and I'm too tormented and confused to even spell check it right now!) So many questions -- so much pain in this veil of tears we call life -- and no answers!!! Karen I can be of NO USE to you until I get some answers, gimmee some answers PLEEEASSSSE! WHY WHY WHY IS IT.....
.... that I can't be like the girl in the Singulair allergy medication commercial, the one who goes with her new boyfriend to visit his family on a farm! Nothing bad has ever happened to that girl in her LIFE, I can tell by looking at her! (Even her poor judgment in wearing black slacks and a black wool trench coat to the farm -- which could have intimidated the folks and gotten things off on the wrong foot -- works out FINE in her case!) She's a bit tentative and nervous when she arrives; in itself it *is* a nerve-wracking situation (if that is even how you spell 'nerve-wracking')! Will they like me? Will they think me worthy of bearing his children?? Will my allegies act up??? But soon, she is shelling peas or whatever you call it, giggling as an errant pea flings willy nilly into her face; riding a tractor through the fields with dad (oh, she didn't want to at first, I could tell -- but again it works out FINE); getting big laughs to her stories on the porch -- which in reality are probably Barney jokes and tales of how forest creatures bring her nuts and berries when she goes on picnics!!! She couldn't be uncivil if she tried! Dr. Bob has been trying to hire her for years!!
TOO MUCH HAPPINESS FOR JUST ONE PERSON, IT'S NOT FAIR! EVERYONE HAS ALWAYS LIKED HER; SHE'S NEVER EATEN TWINKIES OR FRITOS; SHE LOOKS BETTER WITH GLASSES THAN WITHOUT; AND NO ONE HAS EVER INDUCED HER TO RUN A LEAD-SATURATED QUARTER DOWN HER NOSE *OR* PUT GLASSES OF BEVERAGES ON HER HANDS AND HEAD! SHE PROBABLY WON'T EVEN TRY TO SNEAK INTO HER BOYFRIEND'S ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NOR TAKE A SHOWER WITH HIM WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING! SHE'S NOT *LIKE* THAT (AND HE DOESN'T EVEN MIND)! I LOVE HER, I HATE HER, I MUST BE HER!!! WHY CAN'T I BE?? Karen, when we visit your family, can we shell peas and ride tractors? Will you phone ahead and threaten harm to everyone if they don't laugh at my jokes??!
....and WHY!!! WHY are there so many commercials where the typical happily married couple is supposed to be represented, and she is always thin and beautiful; while he is rather portly if not fat and looks like he could be a fat funny guy on Saturday Night Live! YES! It does appear as if he would still look like a comedian even if he lost weight! This is the latitude the producers feel is owed to all husbands! Think about it, just TRYYYY to remember a single commercial you have EVER seen in your life wherein the wife was the one weighing in somewhere between chubby and fat -- just for the heck of it, unrelated to the product being peddled -- while the husband was a trim hunk!
You just TRY to tell me you have ever seen that! It's not like it's the WOMAN who has nature's fat deck stacked against her or anything; not like HER body is genetically programmed to store fat reserves; not like SHE has to have the children; not like SHE'S the one driven to psychiatric medications!! NOOOO, it's not like any of THAT is relevant, HE gets to be the fat one and it is OK! Even charming! It is SO ok that you may not even notice these commercials anymore! Karen, if I give in to you, who gets to be the fat one someday?!
.... how can love flourish in me in a world where there is such wide spread inequity everywhere I look! Even at my favorite message board, where I run for refuge, everyone gets longer subject lines than me! YES IT'S TRUE, I know it's true, don't try to tell me otherwise! Other people can get half their post, their email address and the weather forecast in their subject lines, while I have maybe four spaces to work with after the "RE:!!" No I NEVER exaggerate, don't insult me that way! I display a VERY positive attitude at ALL TIMES, b*tch!
.... and people! How can I live and love without fear on the same planet as all those people who ask you "...hey are you busy?" *BEFORE* telling you what the favor is they want from you, and its magnitude! Don't tell me they don't realize what they are doing, they know EXACTLY what they are doing! They are purposely HIDING its magnitude from you! Knowing full well and with evil design that YOU will look the fool if you answer so as to preserve your right to subsequently say that you are too busy; that this is how little they are worth to you; that this is how selfish you are!! How do I know you would never do this to me Karen, if I let down my guard and trust you!
.... and SHOPPING CARTS!!! Your fear of SHOPPING CARTS!! As a result of that you won't be there when I need you! At those times when I am contentedly reading labels in the aisle and spacing out; and someone in need of validation or stress relief will stand silently being blocked by me, rather than use that hole in their face known as a mouth to simply and expediciously say "EXCUSE ME," and flag the fact that they are there and need to get by! Why is it that they don't -- I'll tell you why they don't! They would rather stand there silently for five minutes until you finally see them yourself; jump; and fall all over yourself apologizing and exclaiming what an inconsiderate CLOD you are, possibly wondering if you even deserve to LIVE! This is MUCH more satisfying to them!
And Karen, you won't even be there to kill them for me, not even just a couple of them! So you will have to be sure to get all of them for me in locker rooms, on crowded sidewalks, and other places where humans gather and mill about en masse; with some of them stopping to stare at something and daydream, and others pretending to be greatly inconvenienced by that just for sport! Many of them flock to such places for this very reason, especially while tapering off meds! And see, you may have always thought it was the *inconsiderate daydreamer's* fault for getting in the way, but NOOOO! Turns out you are wrong, and I need you to be there for me, shopping carts or no shopping carts!
.... and my slinky (the toy) joke! Karen, how could I let myself fall for someone who so cruelly will not take a gift from me that I have offered up at least three times now! Are you so spoiled that you feel you already have enough slinky jokes? Can ANYONE ever have enough slinky jokes?? That is just RUDE and ungrateful of you to say! So you will now take it whether you like it or not! And if you REALLY want to win my heart and trust, you will get back to me and tell me you thought it was HYSTERICALLY FUNNY, regardless of your true reaction! Get back to me with answers and assurances about *ALL* the aforementioned suffering; make sense of it all for me; or I will NEVER be able to unleash my heart in that world! OK THEN! Without further adieu (if that's even how you spell 'adieu'), my SLINKY JOKE!
Why are some people people like slinkies?
Not good for much of anything but fun to watch one tumble down the stairs!!!
Posted by spoc on May 5, 2004, at 11:18:26
In reply to Re: This is all I've been using... » All Done, posted by All Done on May 5, 2004, at 10:14:21
> http://babelfish.altavista.com/babelfish/
>
> Wie geht es Ihnen, kid?----
<<<<<< AH! I see YOUR translator utility is just as accurate as the one I used! Which was:http://dictionary.reference.com/translate/text.html
Here, for example, is a recent message I tried to translate from English to Spanish (no, I can't even speak Spanish!), and then for kicks, back again using its own translation. There seems to be just a TAD bit of an accuracy problem GOING BACK to the original language, so we can probably assume there is also one on the first half of the journey... which as non-speakers of that language, we will never KNOW about before we offend, confuse or offer to perform acts we we didn't mean to (but may find we like anyway)!
Here is the sentence using your site, All Done:
Ok, I'll be ready in about an hour! I'll meet you there, ok?
TRANSLATED TO SPANISH:
¡La autorización, I'll sea lista sobre alrededor de una hora! ¿Reunión de I'll usted allí, muy bien?
TRANSLATED *BACK*:
The authorization, I'll is ready on around one hour! Meeting of I'll you there, very well?
----
USING MY TRANSLATION SITE:
Ok, I'll be ready in about an hour! I'll meet you there, ok?¡Autorización, seré listo sobre alrededor de una hora! ¿Le satisfaré allí, muy bien?
TRANSLATED BACK:
Authorization, I will be ready on around one hour! I will satisfy him there, very well?
---
Hey, at least my site has a better sense of humor and may get me more dates!This reminds me of an instance of Fun with AOL Spell Check, of which there can be many if you don't check the checker! It's a mischievous little devil! Once, in a work-related email, I had misspelled "surprised" as "suprised." And in haste, I accepted AOL's suggested correction. Instead of ending up saying "I've surprised you," I said "I've SURPASSED you!"
Better think twice about trusting any of these utilities when it matters, like the next time you write letters welcoming any foreign ambassadors in their native tongues! And no, I have no clue what I may have ended up saying in my post yesterday (which, for those being driven mad by wanting to access the secrets of the universe contained in it, was about caulking bathroom tile). I *swear* that to my knowledge, I broke no rules in it (although you HAVE to keep in mind that authors of such subjects tend to be a pretty spirited and passionate bunch)! ;- )
Posted by noa on May 5, 2004, at 21:23:48
In reply to Re: OK! You guys asked for it, my BEST one yet! :), posted by spoc on May 4, 2004, at 8:25:47
Your story, transformed by many manipulations, linguistic and deletional, but with no added words and with the sequence the same, is now a "found" poem:
How the girl wants to be.
Family around,
Life of clear losses,
that therefore examines the ground.A line interweaving behind the ground,
that has been robbed by time.Existing--the power.
Experiences in the influence of color--
they remain, binding--
Measurement on the basis of skin.Work with these materials!
Inside--disturbance, greater problems.
Far from the ground,
and fused from the little, older edges,
you to the zero,
and order.Many people do not think twice,
they never run once,
and they use the years.With the ground fused, low and clean,
the return occurs--
the used return them, examined.
The connections? Well, the connections bind.Nature--complete, necessary.
A strong measurement, complete.
A certain hour, but they are wanted,
to always return.One memory of finding the right lines,
the best aspect,
the connection of its course,
the territory,
the operation,
one better.And the knowledge to indicate this TRUELY..
Posted by tabitha on May 5, 2004, at 22:41:10
In reply to Re: Spoc's story becomes found poetry » spoc, posted by noa on May 5, 2004, at 21:23:48
Posted by kid47 on May 6, 2004, at 9:00:10
In reply to Re: This is all I've been using... » All Done, posted by All Done on May 5, 2004, at 10:14:21
I am doing OK. Thanks for asking.
kid
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