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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 7:43:42
When I sent out invitations to our wedding, I chose very carefully. I only had a handful of friends who were “mine” and independent of the first marriage. None of the women I invited replied, much less came to the wedding. One sent a gift, which was not the point at all. This really was the start of my persistent isolation. Jobs change, friends get left behind. Good intentions are not enough. I resented being the one to reach out all the time, so eventually I stopped. When I am in a social situation and I’m speaking to someone out of politeness, but I’m not really intrigued by that person, I now get panic attacks at the thought of consciously not trying to make a friend.
But if I can’t relate to the person – those who only talk about their children, those much older who consider me of “the younger generation”, wealthier (I mean snobby people, really), those who can only talk about their business and don't inquire about yours – then I close down. There are so many casual acquaintances out there; people with whom you are friendly but not friends. I tried to have an open house at home last month, having invited the women I met at the community barbeque. (We live in a condominium of townhomes.) One woman showed up. We soaked our feet and talked for hours, but she’s my mom’s age, retired, and not someone I would hang around with. She thought it was horrible that of the 20 or so invitations I PERSONALLY HANDED OUT she was the only person to show up. I blamed myself at the time for not asking for RSVPs, but really, if someone who was your neighbour invited you to walk down the street for an informal party, and you said that you would, but then on the day you just didn’t bother showing up, what kind of person would that make you? What kind of loser does that make me, that I make such a conscious effort to physically reach out to the women who live close by and then be so totally snubbed? I poo-poo’d the hurt and shame at the time, but this little exercise in futility is haunting me now. I can’t cry anymore, thanks to my medications, but my heart is an open wound.
I feel like I keep trying and trying like the little engine that could. That’s why when my husband is away on business, I drink by myself. I don’t have a social life beyond the Psycho Babble community. The only friend I have made here has more addiction issues than I do, plus she’s very involved in office politics and getting people to work against each other for her gain. So I keep my distance. She basically gets in touch with me when she needs something. I recognize that this isn’t a healthy friendship, but it’s all I have.
I needed to get this off my chest as I am hurting so very badly. You can only put up with so much rejection before you admit that you are someone that no one wants to spend time with.
Posted by justyourlaugh on May 27, 2004, at 9:45:43
In reply to Friends ain't a tv show, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 7:43:42
i think it is very healthy to get mad..
let it out..
vent.
we are here to listen.
i stopped trying after many many years for a true friend..
when the laundry was done, the tears began.
now the laundry is finished and i prefer the lonely gap...i just fill it with alcohol and bon bons:)
let us hear how your day is going..
lvs
Posted by Scott in Vermont on May 27, 2004, at 10:04:58
In reply to Friends ain't a tv show, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 7:43:42
partlycloudy,I wish I had some words that would change things.
I'm looking for something to say. Right now I just feel... flat. I feel so very badly for you, and I can relate to so many of the things you said, but I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to share my usual cheerful demeanor.
I think today, rather than be a shining light in the darkness, I'll be a companion with you there instead.
I know the hurt that comes with the indifference of others. Small snubs, little cuts, gentle pokes... they are cumulative. Nothing is an individual incident; everything is connected through a web of incredible complexity.
I know the feeling of being the only person on the planet who doesn't "get" the inane office blather ("Hey, did you see what was on TV last night? Have you seen the new pictures I took of my kids? How about that game last week, can you believe that ref? Did you hear that so-and-so is seeing whatshisname? There's a scandal in the making! Hey... where are you going...? Wait.. I'm not done beating you into oblivion with my inane blather!") ... and I know the feeling of being the only person who cares enough to try and understand what I'm going through. I also know the fear of realizing I don't care anymore.
I don't know what the point of my reply here is.
(re-reading your post...)
Ok, I’ve focused again. It is the end of your post that bothered me the most. This right here: "I needed to get this off my chest as I am hurting so very badly. You can only put up with so much rejection before you admit that you are someone that no one wants to spend time with."
I just found my tenacity. I'll share some with you. Try changing your last sentence to "You can only put up with so much rejection before you admit that you are spending time with people who don't appreciate you."
I recognize your feelings, and I am not trying to take them away from you. But I'm a fighter, and I always try to find a different way of looking at things. I know how much it hurts to be rejected. Especially by people who are supposed to be your friends. And I know how easy it is to find friends that aren't really all that healthy for you.
But why is it always “us”? Why is it always “our fault”? Why is it always “our problem” that so many people are superfluous, shallow, and selfish?
It’s not us. We’re different, yes… and sometimes in that difference we have a clarity that eludes others. Sort of on the theory that you don’t appreciate what you have until it is gone. We’ve had our lives taken from us before. We’ve lost so much that was dear to us before. We know how to appreciate a good day because we have had so many horrid ones. We are not perfect by any means, but we understand things more than someone who has never been here. That is why places like Babble exist. No one else really gets us, but we certainly get each other, to some degree at least.
I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you things will be ok. But I can’t. I don’t know if things will be ok. But I know that wanting them to be ok is an important step.
I don’t feel this is helping. I feel like I’m going in circles and missing the point.
I’m right back to where I started. I wish I had some words that would change things.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 10:35:07
In reply to sweet cloud..., posted by justyourlaugh on May 27, 2004, at 9:45:43
It's hard to believe I can go so quickly from doing OK to doing this badly. My tears are stuck in my throat because I'm too ashamed to let them flow at work. My husband is meeting me for lunch and I already warned him that this is not a good day. Darn, my eyeballs are leaking.
I see my p-doc this afternoon. Guess I'll be crying there too. This, I think, is the real me. A Sad Sack. a Gilligan on my own personal island. Loneliness has to be one of the saddest feelings in this world. Grief does surpass it, but to feel like you can't be happy if you're on your own, well that's downright pitiful. I hate my own company so much that I hide from myself in drink and smoke. I don't want my husband to know how bad this is - not because he can't help, but mostly I don't want him to feel guilty about travelling. This is my problem, not his. He chooses not to socialize while home from work because he's in medical sales; his success is built on the professional friendships he has made and that endure for years and years. He gets home and wants to unwind in front of a baseball game; go for a run; canoodle with me. We haven't met any other couples socially we have clicked with. We go to concerts, art shows, fairs, festivals, and still we are alone.I feel like the little girl I was who moved 500 miles and had no friends at school, only bullies who made fun of how I wrote and talked. I feel like the 21 year-old who moved to a different country when she married and left behind her family. I feel like the 28 year-old who moved overseas and had to adjust to a new culture and being made fun of my accent and vocabulary. I feel like the 34 year old who got deported and was forbidden to contact old friends because of her spouse's angry and violent shame. I feel like the 39 year old who got divorced and lost whatever friends she had left. She also lost the extended family in that divorce, too. I feel like the bride whose "friends" couldn't be bothered to acknowledge her second marriage.
I would prefer that this particular layer of my personality onion would just finish rotting and fall away. It really, really hurts.
Thanks for your reply, jyl
At least I can count on Babble for friendship (but then, you've never met me :/)
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 10:44:43
In reply to Re: Friends ain't a tv show, posted by Scott in Vermont on May 27, 2004, at 10:04:58
Scott, I'll take that hug gratefully, and look for the tenacity that helped you out of this. I don't even feel I can call anyone in my family about how I feel.
thanks again
Posted by octopusprime on May 27, 2004, at 11:26:24
In reply to Re: sweet cloud... » justyourlaugh, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 10:35:07
((partlycloudy))
oh dear the sad sack is not the real you, darling. hurt and sad and lonely is how you feel right now, but the wonderful and charming you that has made so many friends on this board *is* the real you.
i identify so much with being made fun of at school, with being alone in a new place, with losing somebody you care so much about.
i don't know how old you are now, how long you have lived in your home. but it takes time to integrate, time to find people you can trust and who like you for you. and as you have found at your job, sometimes there just aren't like-minded souls available for you to reach out.
give it time. one day, one hour, one minute at a time. do things healthy things for yourself that *you* enjoy. you are young. i know i feel less lonely than i used to, i think it does pass. please hang in there.
talk to your husband, your pdoc. you're not alone.
and take a hot bubble bath and have a good cry. tomorrow will be a new day.
((partlycloudy))
ps - i know it is harder for people that move a lot. i know i feel kind of rootless, and i never felt the comraderie (sp?) that seems to come naturally to people that stay in one place. one day, one hour, one minute at a time. just because it is harder doesn't mean it is impossible.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 12:24:01
In reply to Re: sweet cloud... » partlycloudy, posted by octopusprime on May 27, 2004, at 11:26:24
Thanks, Octopusprime. I saw my husband at lunch and talked to him; I am sitting at the front reception desk and crying (oops! bad location) and will unload the rest of the tears on my p-doc this afternoon.
You can't say that I'm not task-oriented.
Posted by octopusprime on May 27, 2004, at 12:34:18
In reply to Re: sweet cloud... » octopusprime, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 12:24:01
task-oriented, that's one way to put it.
i hope it's one of those cleansing cries, partlycloudy. sometimes after a good cry i feel so much better.
after bubbles and colouring maybe we can build a castle out of blocks or maybe sand. and we can imagine a world where we can share our imaginary castles in the sky with everybody.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 12:46:17
In reply to ((partlycloudy)), posted by octopusprime on May 27, 2004, at 12:34:18
>
> after bubbles and colouring maybe we can build a castle out of blocks or maybe sand. and we can imagine a world where we can share our imaginary castles in the sky with everybody.If you throw sand in my face, lady, it's all over.
(We have a beautiful beach where we live and I've seen world-class sandcastles. What a great way to spend a day.)
Thanks for the ehugs - I needed that. The xanax is kicking in and the hurt is deadening a bit.
Posted by octopusprime on May 27, 2004, at 13:04:34
In reply to The playground » octopusprime, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 12:46:17
> If you throw sand in my face, lady, it's all over.lol! maybe we should just play with blocks then :p
>
> (We have a beautiful beach where we live and I've seen world-class sandcastles. What a great way to spend a day.)we have beautiful beaches here too (but not so nice today - it's raining!) i'm glad you're feeling a little better. tomorrow is another day. one minute at a time ...
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 13:13:23
In reply to Re: The playground » partlycloudy, posted by octopusprime on May 27, 2004, at 13:04:34
Posted by gardenergirl on May 27, 2004, at 13:42:11
In reply to Friends ain't a tv show, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 7:43:42
partlycloudy (psst, I always think of you when I look at the weather report),
It seems like you are feeling a bit better, and I'm glad. I just wanted to say that I am right there with you and Scott in this. I have invited many people to a party and had none show. It is devastating. You can laugh, sometimes, on the outside, but it hurts like h&ll.
I will ALWAYS come to your party or to your sandbox if you invite me and I can. Perhaps we are a special group of people who the majority may not always "get" but are wonderful, special, and fun people, just the same.
And you know, blocks can hurt when thrown, too. So no throwing things, OP and PC!
((((partlycloudy))))
gg
Posted by karen_kay on May 27, 2004, at 14:29:57
In reply to Friends ain't a tv show, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 7:43:42
i don't know if i can help you or not dear. but, do know that the people who failed to come to your party are the ones who missed out. i know if i were in your area, i'd be very honored to know you and have a cup of coffee with you miss sunshine. please understand that the people who failed to attend missed a wonderful opportunity to talk with an amazing person. too bad for them.
i know that i'm often one of 'those' people, without even realizing it :( i will be in the same town as my best friend for days and not even call her. not because i don't love her dearly, but because i feel that if i'm with my sister i have an obligation to be up her butt the whole time and not divide my time among other people, even my mother. and i recently had a friend call about her upcoming wedding, but i didn't return her call because i know i won't be able to attend and rather than tell her i can't go, i'd rather lie and say i never got the message. and if i'm talking to one person on the phone, i won't answer the other line to tell another person i'm talking because i don't want to put the first person on hold. not that i'm trying to make excuses darling, please don't get me wrong. i know i hurt feelings often when i do this too. but, i do it because i am attempting to not hurt feelings.
((((miss sunshine)))) i wish that no one ever felt lonely, especially you dear. you're so very kind. i wish everyone had the opportunity to see that like we do. take care of yourself doll.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 14:43:32
In reply to miss sunshine..... » partlycloudy, posted by karen_kay on May 27, 2004, at 14:29:57
Thanks, KK. At least you have friends to call... oh boy the self pity is heavy duty today... get that monster off my back, would ya? There's a dear.
Posted by karen_kay on May 27, 2004, at 14:59:41
In reply to Re: miss sunshine..... » karen_kay, posted by partlycloudy on May 27, 2004, at 14:43:32
you have friends here darling. you are such a very special person, i really don't understand how you can't realize it. you reach out to so many people here on babble and help them when they really need it. that's a wonderful and amazing ability to have dear. you've helped me feel up when i was truly feeling down, and i can't thank you enough for that. i'm sure there are many others around here who feel the same way i do about you.
(((((miss sunshine))))) please take that monster off your back and smile instead. you are a very special person who should be surrounded by many, many people who appreciate you for your beauty and charm. and you shouldn't settle for those 'fair weather' friends. you don't deserve any less than to be surrounded by people as amazing as you are. that may be impossible though.
miss sunshine, if you need to talk, please feel free to email me at karen_kay12 at yahoo.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 28, 2004, at 8:22:41
In reply to Re: miss sunshine..... » partlycloudy, posted by karen_kay on May 27, 2004, at 14:59:41
But babble makes a very good umbrella. You guys must be sick of my weather analogies, but it's the best I can do.
Feeling hollowed out today. Still down but not yet out. You are all my saviours. Your encouraging and supportive posts make me cry with gratitude. You're all my guardian angels. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 29, 2004, at 1:47:47
In reply to Weather still unsettled » karen_kay, posted by partlycloudy on May 28, 2004, at 8:22:41
This is the end of the thread.
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