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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 10:15:21
I'm alone. feel very alone. not like anyone else. I compare myself to everyone else.
I feel like a big fat 42 year old failure. No ambition. always afraid. I envy people that just get up everyday and live and laugh and cry when they need to the it's over and they go on living.
I seem be in this constant vigilant state. I never finished high school my mother was dying from cancer and I completely lost it and was expelled in my senior year for not attenting. she died. Father was already dead. 18 and out in the world what messes I maid. I feel like such a child still that wants to be taken care of .
I'm capabale of taking care of me but I rebel at it. why why why why!!!!!! I have three kids a husband and enough already. I start back to therapy tomorrow . new therapist so many just don't get it. Or I don't let on ..lol
It's time to grow up little girl . ahh but I want to smash things and yell and kick my feet and just cry. both my parents died in their 40's .what is my fate? am I trying to make it so?
I think how nice it would be to get a terminal disease that gives me just a short time so I can just give up.
oh come on there has to be an answer to this madness! I coujld say so much but I would confuse the hell outta ya I'm sure.. One thing I have to say.... I was with my husband since I was 16 he ws there while my mother was dying I transfered my dependance on him. I never did the healthy leaving the nest thing. I have an extreme fear if I move on and grow I won't need him anymore and he has no clue about this. so I stay stuck . God that was hard to say
thanks for your time..Rainee
Posted by tterees on May 31, 2004, at 11:16:00
In reply to can anyone relate to anything I say here?, posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 10:15:21
Rainee,
I can relate to a lot of what you say. The part about no ambition and always afraid really hits home. I truly have no ambition, never have. When I was in school (many, many years ago, I am 50) teachers would say "not living up to your potential" And my high school counselor said on my college recommendation "not career oriented" That was what 32 years ago, and here I am laid off and unemployed. I have been afraid ever since I can remember. Sometimes I think "why was I so afraid? what was I afraid of" I used to make my mother talk to me the whole time I went upstairs to go to the bathroom so that if I didn't answer, she would know that something had happened and would rescue me. After I graduated from college, and moved back home for a bit, I would crawl in her bed and sleep because I was afraid. And I feel like a big fat 50 year old failure.
When I read your message, I thought "she has the right to want to be a child and taken care of. No one took care of her since she was very young." I want to be taken care of too. I want to be a child loved and cared for, held and hugged. And in a way I still am being taken care of. Last week when I had my car accident, my father sent me a check to help with expenses and my oldest sister wired me money for a hotel room.
When I first started therapy (10 years ago), I said that my biggest goal was to grow up. To become an adult. Now I feel worse than before, but I have to remember that I was on my way. I got laid off 2&1/2 years ago after 18 years and it threw me for a loop.
You say you are afraid if you move on and grow you won't need your husband anymore. Maybe you won't need him, but will you still love him? And maybe you will need him in a different way. And I bet that was hard to say. I never said it about my mother. And it feels and felt so disloyal to think it. You are ahead of me in knowing yourself. Be proud of yourself, so many of us couldn't have done what you have done. And take your letter to the therapist, it is very clear and even if you can't say the words, at least he will hear them. Take care.
Posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 13:03:28
In reply to Re: can anyone relate to anything I say here?, posted by tterees on May 31, 2004, at 11:16:00
the fear thing such torture. That is my first memories. I was afraid of the downstairs of our house and being alone at night I didn't get over that one until I was 30 years old and I had no choice because my husband left me pregnant and with 2 small children. We did get back together years later but I had severe breakdown in the middle of it all. I have even been to churches to get the "demons" outta me ..lol because fear is not fo God.. only made me worse..lol.. at least you got to college I envy you so much.
Thanks
Rainee
Posted by tabitha on May 31, 2004, at 15:34:38
In reply to can anyone relate to anything I say here?, posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 10:15:21
Rainee, I'm not sure what to say.. but with that early loss of your parents, and now you're the same age, no wonder you feel adrift. There's some hope peeking through in your post though-- you have a lot of insight about what led you to your current state, and what you'd like to change, and you're starting with a new therapist. Those are all good things. And it takes courage to look at the pain, and share it with others. Let us know how things turn out with the new therapist.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 31, 2004, at 17:13:41
In reply to can anyone relate to anything I say here?, posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 10:15:21
(((Rainee))) I certainly can relate to your post. I'm 41 to your 42; my mother divorced my dad when I was 16 and forbade me to visit her (she needed her space) and my dad was an absent alcoholic. I ran the house, paid the bills, took care of him when he'd come home. I did get to run away in the sense that I married at age 21.
I never went to college and I envy those with initials after their name. To me it represents fortitude and ambition, which I lack.
This little girl is hurt, afraid of being lost, and terrified of being alone. She needs to be comforted, to be safe and secure, she needs unconditional love. She also needs to recognize that love when she has it. (And at least I can do that much.)
I have only ever held entry level jobs. I have been fired from half the jobs I've ever had, and I rarely survive more than a year before I bail out or get shown the door.
I am trying to find the creative little girl who loved to draw and paint. She's in here somewhere, but it isn't time for her to come out to play yet.
I just want you to know that I have felt your pain, that I don't know why it rears its head or why it retreats, but the darkness in your days will pass and you'll be back in the light. We'll helpeach other get there.
Let us know how your new T is - give us all the dirt!
Posted by Noa on May 31, 2004, at 18:12:37
In reply to can anyone relate to anything I say here?, posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 10:15:21
Rainee, Take one step at a time. YOu sound so depressed, and I have always found that evaluating life while depressed always adds up to feeling worse!
You had a really rough start in life so you have to measure your accomplishments differently than the stereotypcial way. Think of how you have survived so much!!
Get your depression taken care of, and maybe you will start thinking of some goals you want to work on for yourself. Don't sell yourself short--I bet you are stronger than you think. But if you are dealing with depressive illness, it's hard to be in touch with that--well, at least that has been my experience.
I'm in my 40's, too, and every so often, I think of all the years I feel I've lost to depression and all the things I had hoped for in life that haven't happened. Sigh. But I gotta just take one step at a time or it will overwhelm me.
It's good you are starting therapy. I hope it goes well. Good luck.
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