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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tampagirl70 on June 21, 2004, at 15:32:36
this is what i obsess about. how do you know if you truly love someone?
Posted by justyourlaugh on June 21, 2004, at 15:50:51
In reply to how do you know if you love someone?, posted by tampagirl70 on June 21, 2004, at 15:32:36
looks fade over time..
but friendship will last forever if you are willing to work at it..
you will know if love is in the air if you have a great need to respect and cherish the relationship...
jyl
Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2004, at 18:55:49
In reply to how do you know if you love someone?, posted by tampagirl70 on June 21, 2004, at 15:32:36
Posted by steelmagnolia25 on June 21, 2004, at 19:55:29
In reply to Re: how do you know if you love someone? » tampagirl70, posted by justyourlaugh on June 21, 2004, at 15:50:51
> you will know if love is in the air if you have a great need to respect and cherish the relationship...so true...
Posted by littlep24 on June 21, 2004, at 20:28:55
In reply to how do you know if you love someone?, posted by tampagirl70 on June 21, 2004, at 15:32:36
TampaGirl,
I too have trouble understanding these feelings, one day I look at my husband and think yuk and the next day I cry and say why do I feel this way? I have decided I really need to seperate my issues from the depression what I brought into the marriage from the issues we as a couple have to determine if I love him. I feel like I just keep going because no one else could deal with my issues. However, when you lost the love and you stay it makes you more depressed.
Love is something you must feel from within.
Posted by tampagirl70 on June 22, 2004, at 7:49:07
In reply to Love or in love? (nm) » tampagirl70, posted by Dinah on June 21, 2004, at 18:55:49
both, i guess. i've been with my husband for 11 years and sometimes i feel that i love him and other times i question what love is. how do you really know that you love someone? i feel like since i can tell him i love him, that means that i do. i don't walk around thinking "oh, i love my husband so much, i love him with all my heart, life is happy and the sun is shining, lalalalalalala". when i'm not depressed and/or obsessing, i don't think about this stuff. sometimes i can't imagine him not being in my life and how sad i'd be without him. but i also feel like when i'm talking to someone and i say that i love him, i ask myself in my head if i really do. its all very confusing to me.
Posted by Dinah on June 22, 2004, at 7:57:36
In reply to Re: Love or in love?, posted by tampagirl70 on June 22, 2004, at 7:49:07
If after eleven years, you sometimes still feel like you love him, and that you can't imagine what it would be like without him, and you would be very sad if he weren't around, then my guess would be that you love him. Maybe you're not in love with him, I have no way of knowing that. But "in love" wears off a lot for most people. Maybe not the happy few, but the majority.
If you've been with someone eleven years and you didn't love them, you'd most likely be yearning to get away from them and despising them with every inch of your being.
Living eleven years with someone you don't love is enough to engender a lot of dislike.
Posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 8:04:04
In reply to Re: Love or in love? » tampagirl70, posted by Dinah on June 22, 2004, at 7:57:36
How true. I know many couples that love each other but are not in love and stay this way for their kids. Personally, I am not sure this is good for the kids. Kids would rather be from a broken home than a home where the parents show no love towards each other. Are there couples that are still goo goo over each other after 11 years of marriage? If they are I say pass on what ever you are drinking. From the people I know most of them fall into the love each other only category which is unfortunate.
Posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 8:17:03
In reply to Re: Love or in love?, posted by tampagirl70 on June 22, 2004, at 7:49:07
For me losing the love has to do with each others interactions everyday. I have numerous post regarding this subject. It is a really big source of frustration for me that is why I keep writing because if I don't get it out here I will explode. No matter how much I explain to my husband how I feel due to the depression or how much he reads or how much he talks to a therapist about it he doesn't understand. His is tired of therapist telling him this is her she is not going to change and believes I need to change because no one could have all the issues I do. His lack of understanding means that he thinks I am faking my depression (I wish). If you can accomplish a task one day and not the next well then you are faking. If I can go on a play date and be social but the next day we go to a party and do not feel comfortable there, he thinks it is socal phobia ok due to my negative feelings about myself which is depression. I am so confused about it all all I want to do is sleep so I don't have to deal with it, which I know is wrong but when you spend 90% of the little energy you have trying to make him understand you have none left. I am having a difficult time getting him to concentrate less on me so that I want feel so much pressure, it is that he want's to fix me mentality. I keep trying to tell myself there is nothing to fix, however, when you live with someone who doesn't understand you it makes you feel crazy and makes you become more depressed, which he really doesn't understand because he feels like he is trying to help. I am trying soooo hard to keep the love but I just don't feel it and it is really scary. When I explain that I don't feel the love of course he blames me.
Posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 10:15:05
In reply to HELP! HE makes me feel crazy! » tampagirl70, posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 8:17:03
I think this is like the third time today that I have said this, I am having a particularly down day so I am really ranting alot. Thanks for your support.
I feel like I have to constantly validate my feelings in regards to issues with my husband so I don't go batty.
Last night I was putting a gatorade bottle in the dishwasher, he had to intercede why are you washing that? Because I want to and it is dirty on the outside. You have 10 others outside that are full when you drink one you can have that one.
My beef is who cares if I want to wash the bottle. Do you have to make me feel like everything I do is wrong, that is how it makes me feel and I still haven't gotten over those thoughts today. They are also the ones that make me feel like what am I doing here being critized over nothing?
His side is it drives him crazy to see me do something so stupid and he was only trying to help me by making me realize there are more outside.
These are the things I believe that people with correct thought patterns wouldn't give another second to while I ruminate about it all day.
Posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 10:29:48
In reply to HELP! HE makes me feel crazy! » tampagirl70, posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 8:17:03
You are indeed in a tough spot.
You are in a very low spot. He is only 6 months sober (a baby in sober terms.) He wants to "fix" you. You would rather be left alone.
He is at a stage where he is supposed to be taking care of himself and his sobriety, and yet feels the need to take care of you. He seems to me to have very good intentions, but might be lacking in finesse.
In the family therapy group that I go to (for recovering drunks and druggies) we are told not to make any major changes in our lives (marriage, divorce, itc) until at least the first year goes by. For the longest time the family member doesn't talk to the person, but talks to the bottle. The person gradually comes out.
Do you really have a therapist saying "this is her she is not goint to change?" That seems to be a bit odd. Isn't change the whole point of therapy? I would really have a problem with a therapist that has that outlook, much preferring one that says "she can change, but it will take time."
Posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 10:40:51
In reply to Re: Love or in love? » tampagirl70, posted by Dinah on June 22, 2004, at 7:57:36
I usually think of it as 'love - or in heat.' Passion usually fades with time, but if it is love it should settle into a kind of comfort.
For me love is when:
During a point in a gathering someone says something that strikes you both as funny and you look at each other and smile.
You are happy watching a tv show and just putting your head in his lap.
You know all his favorite foods. And he knows the hassle factor of making them, so if you make one of the more difficult ones he knows it's special.
You can wear your worse looking, but most comfortable, things around the house and maybe not take a shower, but it's ok.
and most important:
You can trust that person with details about yourself that you wouldn't share with anyone. Except maybe your therapist or babble.
Anyone else got any?
Posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 10:41:04
In reply to Re: HELP! HE makes me feel crazy! » littlep24, posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 10:29:48
AuntieMel,
Your words are such a strength to me.
You are correct in my mind he does have the best intentions, it is that I don't respond well to his best intentions. He has always tried to take care of/fix me instead of himself and that is why he is where he is (4 DWIs). He was not an everyday drinker, he was a binge drinker and never abusive. I feel alot of resentment towards him for his prior actions, he has stepped up to being more family oriented now and where he has put us as a family with his DWIs. We are really trying to work together to keep our family together. I wanted more from him for soo long and now that he is ready to give it I am having a hard time receiving it, I wanted a divorce before he started giving it. I know they say not to make changes during this crucial time I am trying to feel the love again, however, as I already said I wanted more for so long I not sure I can accept it now. I can only give my word that I will try. For me finding the love is the most important thing.
Posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 11:00:29
In reply to Re: HELP! HE makes me feel crazy! » AuntieMel, posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 10:41:04
I know I've said this before, but I can be a stubborn witch.
The things you are talking about are *exactly* what al-anon meetings were designed for. I've never been to one myself - being the drunk in the equation - but I've seen it work wonders for people. Especially with resentment issues.
One of the most difficult things for the spouse is the issue of power. When one person is actively usint, the other tends to take up the slack (bills, child rearing, etc.) When the "user" goes into recovery, one of the first desires is to take part of those chores (the power) back - which can cause more resentment.
Just my opinion
Posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 11:04:12
In reply to How I can tell if it's love, posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 10:40:51
being able to pass gas in the same room and say 'ahhhhhh' instead of 'excuse me'
Posted by pegasus on June 22, 2004, at 11:21:20
In reply to How I can tell if it's love, posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 10:40:51
I think it's love when you've been together for years and years, and you're still happy to see them at the end of the day.
Mark Twain once said of his wife, "Wherever she was, there was Eden". I think that's love at it's best. But not all of us get Eden out of it. Doesn't mean it isn't really love.
pegasus
Posted by littlep24 on June 22, 2004, at 11:41:56
In reply to Re: HELP! HE makes me feel crazy! » littlep24, posted by AuntieMel on June 22, 2004, at 11:00:29
AuntieMel,
Thanks for your insight. Things you have seen are more than I have at this point. I do wish that I had more time in the day so that I could get to Al Anon, I am working harder to make that time.
Posted by tampagirl70 on June 22, 2004, at 12:46:53
In reply to Re: How I can tell if it's love, posted by pegasus on June 22, 2004, at 11:21:20
these are all great responses to my obsessive, relentless question. i don't normally question this, but right now my OCD is kicking my butt and this question won't leave my mind. last night i felt fine when i went to sleep - very calm, content, actually ate something for dinner - but then i woke up this morning and it all started over again. my pdoc told me that i need to wait for my meds to take full effect, but i'm impatient and these thoughts and questions are driving me crazy! some of my friends have told me to "just stop obsessing" - if only it were that easy. the anxiety is killing me as well, so i've started taking .25mg of xanax when i get really tense. i've always questioned love and thought too much about it. the obsessing just makes it a million times worse. i feel like if i hear someone say something like "i love my husband with all my heart" or "whenever i look at my wedding ring i think about how much i love him", i usually think to myself, i wouldn't say something like that. i know everyone is different and has different styles so i shouldn't think something is wrong with me if i don't feel the same way they do. i'm not a romantic person and never really have been. i'm not a mushy card type of person, i go for the funny ones. that's just me. but sometimes all this stuff scares me and worries me.
Posted by AuntieMel on June 23, 2004, at 9:18:51
In reply to Re: How I can tell if it's love, posted by tampagirl70 on June 22, 2004, at 12:46:53
I always thought if someone said 'I love him with all my heart' after a couple of years he/she is only trying to convince his/herself.
I tend towards 'he still makes me laugh, so I'll keep him'
Posted by tampagirl70 on June 23, 2004, at 9:54:26
In reply to Re: How I can tell if it's love » tampagirl70, posted by AuntieMel on June 23, 2004, at 9:18:51
that's how i feel - he still makes me laugh and smile and we have fun together (when i'm myself). i'm way too analytical, but i don't know how to stop it.
This is the end of the thread.
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