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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
I know what you're thinking. "This better be good. Doesn't she know there is a nursing shortage???" There are many sources of depression: internal, circumstantial...the list goes on. Most of us find ourselves caught in a web of problems that are interconnected. Right now, I am contemplating leaving my job which I think is part of my ill feelings. You see,I am a nurse and I didn't just get there by attending college. I was groomed to the profession from an early age. From the age of 6, I was giving glucose to my mother who I would find nearly passed out on the couch from an insulin reaction when I got home from school some days. Her condition wasn't her fault. It was no one's fault. That's just the way it was. In addition, mother was dealt the ace of spades which really fanned the flames of a dysfunctional home: psychosis. She was bipolar and schizophrenic which made her mean and abusive. It made me codependent. I have a younger brother but he wasn't the scapegoat. I was. Girls are meant to be caretakers; especially when they are the big sister. My father was a doctor and was gone alot so I took charge. I found through the years that rescuing my mom from her diabetic reactions and soothing her through her delusional episodes brought secondary gain. When she wasn't verbally abusive to me, mother was praising me for my "good nursing skills" she called them. She said I was a special angel. I felt a sense of empowerment and sort of a high from fixing someone. This is at the heart of why I joined the profession. Nurses are codependent which in reality, is not healthy. Mother always said I would be a nurse when I grew up and she was right. Little did she and I know that choosing this profession was like writing myself a prescription for low-dose arsenic. It has slowly killed me and smothered the creative, graceful and sensitive human being inside that I was meant to be. During Jr. high and high school, I took jazz and ballet and enjoyed acting and dancing in plays at school. My drama coach whom I will always remember as a comforting and inspirational source in my life, told me I had a lot of potential and should pursue acting as a career. He told me the pitfalls though and I listened carefully. Mother and dad would come to see me dance, sing and act in the plays at school and mother would sometimes have a snide comment waiting for me back stage after the shows. "You really stunk tonite, My Dear," she would say in a low, acidic tone. "You were TERRIBLE." When you're 16 years old, this cuts like a knife. Who knows? Maybe mom was jealous? Not long after these cutting remarks from her, I began having panic attacks. They got so bad, I was afraid I would die. The panic attacks soon turned to depression and followed me to my first year in college where I majored in dance. I felt miserable. My first year, I performed a ballet solo at the spring gala at the university. Mom and dad came to watch and mom said I was too fat to be a ballerina. Another blow. I began losing weight off my 5'3" 117 lb. frame until I got to the weight which I still struggle to maintain now which is 104. Now, 20 years later, I am stilling dancing as a hobby and fight with the eating disorder demon. When I could no longer stand who I was, I gave in to my low self-esteem and changed my major to nursing. I could have been a doctor like my father but he always told me I wasn't smart enough. I figured I was destined for sick people and this was my noble calling. After graduating with a degree in nursing, I met and married a dead beat alcoholic who sired my first and only child. I stayed married to him for 10 years. When I wasn't taking care of my patients and my daughter, I was taking care of him; bailing him out of jail and all the financial problems created by his joblessness and drinking. It began to take it's toll on me. My anxiety got worse and I began to have headaches and irritable bowel syndrome. We finally divorced. I have been in nursing almost 20 years now. 12 of those years, I have been a nurse examiner at a clinic for homeless teens and abused and neglected children. The stresses are EXTREME. I have since remarried but I am very lonely in my marriage and don't see my husband much due to the distance and time spent on our jobs. Nursing has sucked all the life and health from my body. I rarely get to take vacation or sick time when I need it because I am the only nurse in my office who knows how to do these special exams for these children. I get paid very well. That's not the problem. The real problem is, after 20 years, I am SICK and tired. And I do mean literally sick. I have a painful condition called sacroileac arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, esophageal reflux disease, psoriatic and osteoarthritis. My medicine cabinet is over-flowing with antiacids, anti-inflammatories, anti-depressants for all the leaks in my codependent nurse body. Well, it all boils down to this: you've heard of physician heal thyself, right? I'm not even a physician. I'm just a nurse. I've always been just a nurse. I'm sick of nursing. I'm sick of taking care of sick people and not taking care of myself. The so-called experts in nursing burnout who are former nurses themselves advise, "just meditate and breathe deeply to prevent burnout." Yeah. Easy for them to say now. They no longer work in the trenches. Long ago, I thought going into nursing was a noble thing to do. Now I think it was self-destructive. Well, what is the next frontier? What about the money? Job security? If I change professions, will I be as much in demand? Truthfully, I think at 43 it is both unreasonable and unrealistic to pursue an acting career. Perhaps marketing or advertising. I feel lost and in a brainfog right now but I know after it clears, I will know what it is I that I really want to do. Thanks for reading this, if you did. I don't know if job burnout is my real problem or not. It just seems like it. I know I shouldn't whine. Other people have it so much worse than me. I've seen the pain and misery people go through. It see it every day. I really have had a pretty good life. It's just that I feel blah inside and I'm sick of everything and can't see a way out. I know I need an attitude adjustment but just don't have the guts or energy right now to snap out of it.
C
Posted by B2chica on August 5, 2004, at 18:32:13
In reply to Why I Should Leave Nursing, posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
Hi beautiful((((Cinderalla)))) -love the name btw
i just have a few comments, probably nothing helpful though. I have had three friends (aquaintences) that right out of high school that went into nursing- one is still a nurse. This is a field with a high burn-out rate. Whether or not you are dealing with other issues this is not an easy field to make a lifelong career from.
One friend about 6 years ago stopped nursing and opened a day care, she is just now thinking about going back into the work force...she's considering becoming a PA.
so that's a suggestion. i believe you always have choices, i think that there will almost always be a shortage of nurses because of the burnout rate, so even if you decide to stop and pursue some other career chances are you could get recertified and jump back in.
Maybe you just need a break, and maybe you just need an extended vacation. would your work let you take say 2 or 3 months off?
and i strongly believe that you need to at least try to find work where your heart is. There is nothing worse than going to a job every single day that you HATE. it makes you dread waking up in the morning...it's just not worth it.
-But also make sure that even though fine arts is your passion, make sure that your wanting to pursue it is really because you want to pursue it as a career, not something carried over from growing up with 'dear old ma'. (believe me i hear similar echoes in my mind)So i guess i don't have any sound advice except, be careful, don't rush into any decision whether it be staying in the field or trying something else. it is an important decision, but one that you must do.
Please keep writing, maybe just typing things out can help you go to the direction you're meant to go in?
B2c.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 5, 2004, at 18:43:24
In reply to Why I Should Leave Nursing, posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
Why do you have to stay? Don't let guilt hold you into something that is making you physically sick. From what you wrote, there is a whole other side of you crying to be explored and expressed.
As a child, you really had no choice. Someone had to take care of your mother and it fell onto you. Your life was molded from that experience. Of course, your mother's whispers in your ear remained too. Yes, there was an agenda for her. She needed you. Now, you can release those chains of bondage and be the person you always wanted to be.
Your body needs you to be the nurse to it now. Just a nurse. I don't think you body would say that. If it received the care that you gave to all those people for 20 years, how would it feel today?
You are much more than just a nurse. A nurse encompases so many roles it's just almost unhuman. I agree the demands are too much today. What if we took nurses out of the picture of everything? Who would be left standing?
As an RN myself, I have felt the same about leaving. I got hurt from moving a patient and I am not the same. Maybe, this happened to push me in a direction that I was meant all along and not the one I felt I had to do from the whispers I heard too. So, what I am saying to you is this too may be a direction change. It can be a change in a direction that you were meant to take all along. You went down one road and now it's time to walk and see a new scenery. Perhaps, this is a journey about meeting the real you and allowing yourself to be what you always wanted to be. It's not a destination. It's a journey.
Posted by Poet on August 5, 2004, at 18:59:42
In reply to Why I Should Leave Nursing, posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
Hi Cinderella,
You don't need an attitude adjustment, you just need to find the career that is right for you.
I hope that your brainfog clears and that you discover what you need to be doing.
Best of luck.
Poet
Posted by JenStar on August 6, 2004, at 0:33:43
In reply to Why I Should Leave Nursing, posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
hi C,
you have a beautiful kind ballerina heart, full of pretty pink toe-shoes and spangles and music. You have a gorgeous core. You just need to find the right outlet to let it shine!My only advice is: even if nursing is burning you out, don't quit in frustration until you have other plans lined up. To help line them up, I'd recommend a therapist who specializes in job placement/job counseling (my T recommeded someone like this to me at her own office). Luckily she was also on my insurance plan!
There are also placement services that can help with resume writing and job ideas. It will suck and take MORE time (read: more burnout feeling!) WHILE you're getting ready to change, but might be worth it if you find a perfect new career.
Are there ways you could combine nursing & creative arts? Are there any admin positions at hospitals, writing newsletters for nurses, or managing nurse support groups?
I'm sorry things are so rough. I hope they get better. Keep us updated on what you decide. I care! I want to hear what you decide.
JenStar
Acting might not be in the cards but I bet there is some creative outlet for your inner poet.
Posted by octopusprime on August 6, 2004, at 0:51:43
In reply to Why I Should Leave Nursing, posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
cinderella:
my mom is a nurse. she is semi-retired now, just working one or two days a week until my dad retires.
i know nursing has destroyed my mother's back and shoulder. it has also broken her spirit in a way. she is so tied up in the nursing identity. mom works in the chronic care ward with mainly geriatric patients. now that her father (my grandfather) is a geriatric patient requiring chronic care, she can't break out of the nurse mold and get back into the parent/child relationship.
so it's not just a job cinderella, it's WHO YOU ARE. have you talked about this kind of work identity with your therapist if you have one? cause if you are just to quit, i'm afraid of you disintegrating because your core identity disappeared.
not to say that you can't build a new core identity, you're fairly young ...
your work is very stressful. would you be happy in a lower stress nursing environment? maybe as a public health nurse giving shots or a traveling STD information road show?
i wonder about marketing and advertising as alternate choices. these are 180 degrees from nursing - no offense to marketing people, but your task there is to create need where none exists, to direct thought, to manipulate. is it the idea of revenge that draws you to these ideas?
do you feel manipulated? do you want to put the shoe on the other foot? do you really want to abandon the caring side of you? or would you rather learn to apply that caring side of you in a way that is more healthy to you?
ramble ramble. anyway take from this what you like. hope it helps
Posted by JenStar on August 11, 2004, at 1:37:21
In reply to Why I Should Leave Nursing, posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
hi Cinderella,
how's it going? How are you feeling these days? Any decisions?Just thinking of you & wondering how you're doing.
JenStar
This is the end of the thread.
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