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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on August 22, 2004, at 14:20:02
I would like to talk about fragmentation - but some of it seems too personal to put on the internet. Please come to Open (or IM me if I don't respond), or email me: babble fallsfall - a hotmail account.
This is what I mean by "fragmentation". It is a time when you feel like you will literally fall apart. It has been described like you will ooze out of holes in your skin, or end up as a puddle on the floor, or crumble into pieces. My therapist dismissed it by saying "You feel like you are going crazy" - but it is more than that. It has a disintegration quality to it - that you will stop existing. It is terrifying.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 22, 2004, at 17:21:01
In reply to Fragmentation, posted by fallsfall on August 22, 2004, at 14:20:02
Fallsfall I'd love to assist but I really don't know how to do Open.
I have avoided it because I have to learn a new thing.
But for you and this discussion I would be willing to learn.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 23:01:41
In reply to Fragmentation, posted by fallsfall on August 22, 2004, at 14:20:02
fallsfall,
I can totally understand what you are saying. I do mean totally. I am right there, but now I feel that I am turning a corner. It was them (my abusers) who took my identity. Now, I am taking my identities back. Shadowplayers are coming full circle. It feels crazy only, because I believed I was no one for a long time. The TRUTH is I am way more than I even imagined. I have parts that I never even knew like a jazz singer. How awesome is that! Crazy no. You are breathing back life in what you thought was lifeless. The pieces are waking up and coming together, which are called YOU! Take a deep breath, dance, sing, savor all the life that is within every pore of your being.
Posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2004, at 9:05:15
In reply to Re: Fragmentation, posted by Jai Narayan on August 22, 2004, at 17:21:01
Hi Jai,
There is an old babble post which I have been told is still accurate about how to get on Open: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20010718/msgs/1814.html. You can see if that helps you.
We can talk about this on the board, too (although, it might be more of a Psychological thread than a Social thread - I meant to post on Psychological but I spazzed out). I didn't want to post much yesterday because I was feeling too raw and vulnerable. I'm feeling a bit more together after some caring discussions with babblers yesterday (thank you all SO much!). I still don't know if I want all my personal details on the board, but I would welcome a general discussion about fragmentation on the board. (or you can email me: babble fallsfall - a hotmail account)
Have you experienced it?
Posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2004, at 9:15:38
In reply to Re: Fragmentation- A rebirth process, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 23:01:41
I'm so happy for you! Enjoy all of you!
I think you are right about it being a question of collecting pieces of my identity - building my "self". I can understand how you had pieces of identity "stolen".
I'm in a slightly different place, though. I was not abused, but was neglected emotionally from the time I was born (my mother is not capable of understanding emotions and my dad was a workaholic). I'm sure that there are pieces out there that I can pull together, but it seems like my foundation is missing, too. I have heard of therapists "lending their ego" to patients until the patients can construct their own. I feel like I'm in that category.
I have described it like a giant toothpick structure, but we need to repair the bottom (and some sections in the middle). So we have to take the toothpicks out without having the whole structure collapse (meaning sometimes we need to prop it up until we have rebuilt). When I feel like I'm fragmenting it would be like taking out some critical toothpicks and not having anything there to prop the section up. If the structure falls over it will break into so many pieces that I will never figure out how to put them back together.
Thanks for your encouragement! It does help to know that others understand how it feels.
Posted by Atticus on August 23, 2004, at 20:11:41
In reply to Re: Fragmentation » Jai Narayan, posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2004, at 9:05:15
I have experienced something very similar to what you describe, but I'm not sure if it's exactly what you mean when you talk about "fragmentation."
One of the little "bonuses" of my depression is severe panic disorder, and I typically experienced a feeling of disintegration during particularly nasty episodes. This is the best way I can try to capture this sensation. It feels like I am hollow and made out of dried clay. Then the clay that forms my head starts to crumble into dust and fall into the dark empty cavity of my body. As my head flakes into tiny pieces that feel no bigger than grains of sand, I grow terrified because I literally feel like I am ceasing to exist as a person and just becoming crumbs. My eyes and face feel like they're just falling all out of alignment and any type of coherent structure, and I end up trying to hold myself, my sense of identity, together by sheer force of will, but I have this overwhelming sense that it's a losing battle and that I as a person, as I conceive of myself, will be gone in a matter of minutes, as if I never existed. I don't know if this is analgous to your sensations, but it has never failed to scare the hell out of me. I've learned a lot of deep breathing exercises and those seem to help "reassemble" me, but it usually takes a benzo as well. Don't know if all that is helpful or relevant. Atticus
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