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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:32:29
hi all,
my husband is driving me nuts!!!***&&%%%He's sooo stressed out at work, and he brings home his laptop and works till midnite almost every nite. I try to be supportive and make dinners and bring them to him on a tray and bring him coffee and take care of the animals and the house and the cleaning and the everything else.
But I can't do anything to dispel his bleak moods; he gets stressed and if I ask him for something simple (can you replace the water jug? Can you help me get the lid off this jar?) he sometimes makes this exasperated 'aaarrrggguuuhhhhh" noise and rolls his eyes and makes a big show of getting up to help.
Then I get mad and snap at him and get really mean and say "forget it, I don't want your help anyway" (sometimes with a curse word in there for good measure.) he says "FINE!"
Then we sulk respectively for a while until the earth has turned, and then we make up and we're all friends and happy again, until he comes home the next night all stressed out from meetings and presentations and everything...and it all starts all over again.
I know I'm to blame too. I am not patient enough with him. Instead of snapping when he gets stressed, I should be understanding and sweet. He IS having a tough job right now; work DOES suck, and I know he needs room. But I have a quick temper and it's a 'fight pattern' that we fall into very easily. And I wish he had the ability, or more of it, to separate work and home.
I am not working full time right now, though, and I feel incredibly guilty about this. I'm doing part time "artsy" work instead of the engineering I used to do (long story...sort of a mental flip-out thing for me, I guess). He has never actively said anything blaming to me, or indicated that I'm lazy or weak or stupid or that I should just get my butt in gear and get back to a "real" job.
But I feel all those things, and I assume he MUST feel them too, on some level. I feel very anxious and guilty that I'm not working at a high power job like he is and like I used to. It sort of makes me feel worthless.
And therefore when he makes the 'aarrgggaaahhh" noise at me I feel that maybe I deserve this noise because I'm such a lame slacker who lets him pull all the weight. And then I get mad because I think I'm still kind of fragile, mentally, and shouldn't he be supportive of ME? And then I get mad because I don't want to be fragile and I was excited about my progress but now it seems lame since he makes that noise at me. And maybe I SHOULD just get back into the corporate world, anyway...I thought I'd be happier out of it but things aren't that great now. Maybe it was better before. At least we had more money. I feel like some of his stress is most likely due to me, and my lack of working. If I was working he might not feel such a burden and the stresses of work might not lean on him so heavily.
I must point out that my husband is a dear, sweet man. When I had my breakdown thing, he was ultra-supportive and really was nice and kind and made me feel wonderful and special. But now that I'm "better" (thanks, Lexapro!) it's almost like HE'S the one breaking down, and I don't feel like I'm in the right place to help him fully. Especially because I'm not working a prestigious job! This makes me feel terrible.
I don't know. I'm not even sure what I'm asking of you fellow babblers.
I guess I'd like advice -- your ideas on how to better deal with a spouse who is incredibly stressed out. Apart from going back to work full time (which I intend to do in the near future) -- what are other suggestions?
thanks!
JenSTar
Posted by partlycloudy on August 25, 2004, at 7:04:02
In reply to need to rant, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:32:29
This is the *perfect* place to rant. I had to read your post through a couple of times because you're having the exact experience I had - 20 years ago.
My husband was terrifically supportive, an over-worker, and didn't handle his job stress well at all. I was fearful rather than angry - I would kind of hide in the house until his latest work crisis had passed, because I knew if I interrupted him with anything, he would errupt.
When I had to work part time instead of full time, a friction developed. I felt guilty that I wasn't capable of toughing out a 40-hour work week. He felt that I wasn't contributing enough to the household. It didn't appear to be about the money, as I always underearned him by half; but it seemed to be a measure of my effort.
My response, though, is this: Jen, this is his problem. At a more peaceful work lull you might want to suggest that you get some counselling together. My husband was always resistant and refused any possibility that there might be something wrong with how he dealt with life's problems.
Also, I want to add that we divorced after 18 years of marriage. The work/stress issue contributed to, but wasn't responsible for, the breakup.
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 8:32:59
In reply to need to rant, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:32:29
Babble is great for ranting. :)
Boy, I identify on so many levels.
My deadline oriented job requires that I act like your husband sometimes, thought I probably don't get as much done. :) I lock myself in my study with my work, and except for loving up my son and playing games with him sometimes (which is partly to account for why I don't get as much done), I just really want to be in there by myself. Sometimes I don't even bother to eat and put off going to the bathroom as much as possible. It *is* stressful.
My husband drives me crazy sometimes too, and I feel guilty for not contributing more, too. I'm at about 25 hours a week when I used to be 50. I don't contribute all that much, cashwise, to house necessities - especially after Dr. bills, meds, and therapy. I wonder if he doesn't resent me for this. Or if it doesn't make the pressure on him worse.
And my dad was in the same deadline oriented job I have, and his black moods were often (though certainly not always) correlated with deadlines. I'd be afraid to go around him.
If this is a temporary thing, can you pretend to be single until it's over? I think that's what my husband does. I have a set number of things that I know I'm supposed to do and I do them. Other than that, he knows that I might not even notice when he comes in to kiss me goodnight. I might smile vaguely at him and quote something from what I'm working on intead of saying "good night". It's not permanent, so he's willing to do that part time.
My husband is a different case. He's very high energy and driven, in his own way. There's nothing I can really do about that. But the best thing I *have* done is encourage him in his desire to go exercise two or three times a week. He feels like he's accomplishing an important goal, and he's one of those people who genuinely *does* feel more relaxed with regular exercise.
Is it possible to talk to him about this when the iron is cold? It probably wouldn't help to talk about it while he's working or while he's frazzled from working. But when this stress passes or on a rare free Sunday, is it possible to ask him about it, angling it to be from his side? How you know that his work is stressful right now, how you appreciate all he's trying to do, (maybe how you feel worried about not doing more), and whether work will remain at this stress level indefinitely. If it will, maybe he would like to take a good look at his career. It's hard to enjoy the fruits of your labor in the conditions he's under, and his long term health and well-being are more important than his earning potential.
Probably not enough listening and too much advice, and I apologize. Seeing as I'm in work mode right now, emotions are on a backburner and problem solving at the fore. :)
Dinah
Posted by AuntieMel on August 25, 2004, at 9:37:48
In reply to need to rant, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:32:29
Ok, you asked for advice. Be careful what you ask for.
If you aren't up to working yet, don't. That doesn't mean you can't be helpful to him in other ways.
He was supportive when you needed it? Turnabout is fair play in good things, too, not just bad. Guys aren't that different from girls as far as needs go, they just don't like talking about it.
I find that when hubby is stressed from work nothing helps better than a good back scratch. It feels good, it's relaxing and involves touching - all things that just say "I'm here if you need me."
Posted by DaisyM on August 25, 2004, at 13:31:20
In reply to Re: need to rant » JenStar, posted by AuntieMel on August 25, 2004, at 9:37:48
Jen,
I agree with everything above. I think many of us channel our own stress and worry into work...I know I do. The sicker my hubby is, the more I work. It is a coping mechanism. It also provides me with solid footing around something I'm good at. Because I can't fix him. And your husband can't "fix" you.
It might help to say, "I'm lonely. I miss you. I appreciate how much work you have but I want some time together." And use that time to not do household chores.
Marriage isn't about an even score. Someone really wise once told me if you give 100%, everything you get from your partner is gravy. If they give 100%, everything they get from you is gravy. If you both do it, you are at 200% and nothing can beat that. It is hard to practice, hard not to resent that 100% sometimes, but my stress goes down when I stop trying to anticipate what my husband is thinking or feeling or wants from me and I do what I want, or I ask what he wants. And accept his answer. I use to drive him crazy with "are you sure? Because we have this or this or this, too..." I wanted him to be happy.
Ok, this is really long. Spouses are hard, and when you are depressed or anxious, they are really, really hard. But remember, he promised "for better or worse" so remind him...
Sending you support.
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 18:32:50
In reply to need to rant, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:32:29
hi all,
thanks for taking the time to read & write back. Your suggestions were good. I will take some time to think things over and talk to him when we're in a neutral place, at a stress-free time, without being judgemental.He really IS great. Sometimes I just get sad and whiny and martyr-ish.
thanks again for your advice!
jenstar
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 18:39:31
In reply to Re: need to rant » JenStar, posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 8:32:59
hi Dinah,
it was not too much advice - I like it. Thanks for responding.So many of those ideas make sense to me, too. When he works out regularly, his stress goes down...lately we've both been eating badly & neglecting the work out, and it shows, mentally and physically.
The idea of 'acting single' is kind of cool! I'll have to think about that. I also def. need to have a long talk with him when we're both feeling calm and non-frantic. We probably need to discuss long-term career plans & such for the both of us...
well, good luck to you w/all the work stuff.
take care!
jenstar
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 18:41:33
In reply to Re: need to rant » JenStar, posted by AuntieMel on August 25, 2004, at 9:37:48
you know, my hubby DOES love a good back-scratch & back rub. How did you know!?
I think you're right -- sometimes guys don't want to admit when they need support. Also he might be afraid to ask me for too much support in case I might "wig out" again.
I find myself wondering this: Am I really still emotionally fragile, or am I "using" the past as an excuse not to do things I don't want to do, or as a hammer to get what I want? I guess I need to ponder that one for a while!
thanks for your thoughts.
jenstar
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 18:44:35
In reply to Re: need to rant, posted by DaisyM on August 25, 2004, at 13:31:20
Daisy,
thanks for writing to me!I do the "are you sure? really?" thing A LOT. I like your advice on that topic...I think it will help me to think about that. I know it drives him nuts when I keep asking "are you sure you still love me?" or "do you love me even if I'm not working full time?" [I just hope I don't drive him away BY asking these kinds of questions...]
I love him, and trust him. I need to stop asking for the same answer over and over. (is it my OCD kicking back in? hmmmm...)
JenStar
> Jen,
>
> I agree with everything above. I think many of us channel our own stress and worry into work...I know I do. The sicker my hubby is, the more I work. It is a coping mechanism. It also provides me with solid footing around something I'm good at. Because I can't fix him. And your husband can't "fix" you.
>
> It might help to say, "I'm lonely. I miss you. I appreciate how much work you have but I want some time together." And use that time to not do household chores.
>
> Marriage isn't about an even score. Someone really wise once told me if you give 100%, everything you get from your partner is gravy. If they give 100%, everything they get from you is gravy. If you both do it, you are at 200% and nothing can beat that. It is hard to practice, hard not to resent that 100% sometimes, but my stress goes down when I stop trying to anticipate what my husband is thinking or feeling or wants from me and I do what I want, or I ask what he wants. And accept his answer. I use to drive him crazy with "are you sure? Because we have this or this or this, too..." I wanted him to be happy.
>
> Ok, this is really long. Spouses are hard, and when you are depressed or anxious, they are really, really hard. But remember, he promised "for better or worse" so remind him...
>
> Sending you support.
>
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 18:46:49
In reply to Re: need to rant » JenStar, posted by partlycloudy on August 25, 2004, at 7:04:02
hi partlycloudy,
thanks for offering your perspective. I definitely need to make time to talk with him about this stuff.Hopefully we can resolve it on our own w/out therapy (esp. because I think he would be very resistant to such a thing!) But it's a good thing to keep tucked in the back of my mind...it's there as a possibility. Good to know.
thanks!
jenStar
Posted by shortelise on August 27, 2004, at 0:09:33
In reply to need to rant, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:32:29
When one person in a relationship changes, the other person must too. Have you changed so much that your relationship now needs to evolve?
My husband and I have discovered that we talk well while walking. When we find we are frustrated and exasperated with each other, we often go for a walk and tell each other what's really going on. It's less threatening to talk while walking, there's the fulfillment of the flight reaction, and less intense eye contact, which can be stressful.
Also, when things are hard at work, my husband will sometimes try to get it out by being fed up with me when it has nothing to do with me. Walking and talking about what's going on at work can be so helpful for us both.
Hope this might help.
ShortE
Posted by SAW on August 27, 2004, at 2:51:24
In reply to Re: need to rant » JenStar, posted by shortelise on August 27, 2004, at 0:09:33
My husband sport and "second love" is combat shooting and he participates competetively every weekend. When ever I see him reacting to any stress and starting to take it out on me or our son, I invite him to fiddle with his gun stuff, or go for a practice shoot. To be by himself. I was so jealous of his sport when he first started, now it's a saviour.
Regards
Sabrina
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2004, at 9:14:53
In reply to Re: need to rant, posted by SAW on August 27, 2004, at 2:51:24
I tend to follow Sabrina's method and try to divert my husband and decrease intimacy. I withdraw a bit myself. Direct him towards the gym or to his hobbies or his desire to do useful things around the house. I rarely use ShortE's method of increasing rather than decreasing intimacy while he's stressed out.
I wonder if that has to do with me or with him. On the one hand, it's what I learned to do with my volatile father. I charmed him out of a bad mood or if that wasn't possible I avoided him. I never talked to him about his moods.
But my husband is also as non-introspective as one can be and still have innards. So perhaps I'm responding to his cues.
It's not that I don't talk to him about stuff. If he's worried about something specific and wants to talk about it, I'm always ready to lend an ear and a shoulder. And if *I* want to talk about something in the relationship, I do. I just wait till the iron is very very cold and do it when he's in a relatively good mood.
This is the end of the thread.
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