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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on August 25, 2004, at 19:24:12
they cost me over a hundred dollars a month, I can't live without them .. I'm on herb daily, drink, feel ashamed of self and am starting to have trouble making decisions again. D**I**
Posted by Atticus on August 25, 2004, at 21:00:02
In reply to My meds, posted by Susan47 on August 25, 2004, at 19:24:12
Hi Susan,
I used to drink very heavily (whiskey, mostly), mainly because my old regimen of meds just weren't doing the job. (See my poem "Tyrannosaurus Meds" under writing for a better description of this, and what it did to my marriage.) I can really relate to the sense of self-loathing that comes from feeling like you're out of control. At numerous points during the eight years leading up to my suicide attempt, when no combo of meds seemed to be effective, I just threw up my hands in surrender from time to time and went on these alcohol and pot and pill binges. I'd wake up with every molecule in my body feeling like crap. I think I was desperately trying to numb myself to the point where nothing could hurt me anymore. Do you think you're doing these other drugs because your meds just aren't cutting it, or do you think something else is going on? My experience was that these things had a way of snowballing, and maybe if you can figure out now what's driving you to put all this stuff besides your meds into your body, it won't get completely out of control. At any rate, I've been there if you want to talk. Atticus
Posted by Susan47 on August 25, 2004, at 22:07:24
In reply to Re: My meds » Susan47, posted by Atticus on August 25, 2004, at 21:00:02
Oh thank you so much Atticus. I was feeling like an idiot for posting such a whiny one. I guess I was kidding myself until today, thinking I could just quit the extracurricular stuff, and ended up in a ball on the bed feeling really hateful.
Posted by Susan47 on August 25, 2004, at 22:14:08
In reply to Re: My meds, posted by Susan47 on August 25, 2004, at 22:07:24
It just makes my life seem more exciting, more hopeful, more everything... but paranoid too. And I even get off on the paranoia. It's not like my life is even boring or anything, it isn't it's just depressed and lonely (but I don't want to make any efforts so that's my own fault I've always been like this it's nothing new, what's new is the activities I've been doing the last year which now I'm too scared to do again). I *know* it's in my head because people seem to like me well enough, I think. I just feel so hateful sometimes. Angry really, and I don't know what about. I mean, I just hate myself. I try and try not to. I'm not a stupid person, I just can't make decisions. I feel like my life is out of control sometimes, and other days I'll wake up and it'll be like, oh, I can do this, this is my *new* life. But like someone said, everywhere you go there you are. I'm really trying to like myself. Maybe it's just the weather. I'm sorry for whining. Thank you Atticus. I'm going over to the writing board now to look for your stuff. Ciao.
Posted by Atticus on August 26, 2004, at 5:16:01
In reply to Re: My meds, posted by Susan47 on August 25, 2004, at 22:14:08
It's not whining, Susan. I can remember mornings, during the period when I had so many legal and illegal drugs in my bloodstream that I couldn't keep track, needing to gulp down a handful of Xanax just to tackle the "monumental" task of getting out of bed to face another workday. Even the simple tasks of shaving, brushing my teeth, showering, and getting dressed seemed like climbing Mount Everest. And then I'd hop the subway to work, disoriented, exhausted, wired, nervous, and thinking, "How in hell am I going to make it through the next eight hours? I am such a waste of space." The thing is, a lot of illegal drugs (and legal drugs like nicotine, which I also ingested constantly) are toxins that require your liver to focus on removing, and because your liver is so preoccupied with this, your meds aren't absorbed as well and therefore their effectiveness can be diminished (learned that in group in a lock-up psych ward after opening my wrist). I don't know if you're up for rehab at this point (and I feel weird even saying that -- I hate being preachy), but if you could cut back on the extracurriculars (no easy task, I know), maybe your meds would pack even more of a positive punch. Substance abuse on top of a mental illness is a horrible cycle to be caught up in, and I spent eight years there. Just give a shout if you want to talk some more. You don't need to put up any false fronts about how you feel around the people at Babble. :) Atticus
Posted by Susan47 on August 26, 2004, at 10:22:50
In reply to Re: My meds » Susan47, posted by Atticus on August 26, 2004, at 5:16:01
Well I've got something baking in the oven which I hope will improve my mental framework. I can't afford to hate myself. I don't know how this happened, I really don't understand. I managed to do without extras for so many years and now look at me. What a f***ing mess.
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