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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 3:12:45
This was written last night and typed unedited today. It is very long, I will not be offended if no-one reads.
Sabrina
**********I am hurting so much tonight, I don’t even know how to put thought to pen and pen to paper. But I hurt, and I need a friend who understands, so bear with me, while I ramble and rant and vent, on and on and on.
Against my wishes, tears are welling up. Well, I say let them fall. If only they would take the pain away. But the pain stays.
If I become incoherent, forgive me. It’s 8.08 pm and I have a glass or 4 under the belt.
My husband, who is “trying to understand”, who “supports me”, apparently feels feathers. He blew up at me today and said so many really hurtful things.
He went to the pharmacy for me to fetch my meds and they wouldn’t give it on the basis that they did not have a new script. The original states “Rpt x 5” but according to them, not acceptable. My dilemma? Meds finished. My reaction? Blast husband. His reaction? Freak out. Totally. All that “understanding and patience” – POOF. Ow Ow Ow. Tears. Pulling at my hair. Scratching at my face. It hurts so much, all the things he said. He sounded just like every other monumental idiot who does not understand, or even worse, who WILL NOT tolerate depression. He basically told me that I am responsible for my own “condition” and with having everything that I want, there is no excuse for being unhappy. He said that he is sick of “all this sh1t” and that I should just *censored* move on and *get over it*. Oh, sore! Very very sore. My hurt is deep and total. He told me two nights ago that he is my pillar of strength. Today he told me bleep off!
I am due to fly out of town with him tomorrow for a sporting commitment. He told me to take the air ticket and shove it up my …. To cut a long story short (shorter) I declared defeat because no. 1 really want to go, and no. 2 would have lost the money on the air ticket. He said he would pay it back, no matter …..
So, I have just finished packing for both of us. He WARNED me to control myself and my behaviour and not to embarrass him etc. etc. This was after throwing the suitcase at me, well, just in front of me. I ignored that!
I take some sort of solace in that he relented because once he has made his mind up – he does not change it. EVER. Well, he just did (even if I groveled somewhat). That says to me, that yes he is hurt, yes he is angry, but yes, he does still love me.
I suspect that my husband, whom I adore, whom I idolize and wish I didn’t, he’s not perfect, really does not have an inkling of a notion of what I am going through and what I have been through. He indicated that I seem to ENJOY being like this. I’m crying again. That ripped me apart. He has no idea how wrong he is. And I can’t tell him he’s wrong. He said that he “couldn’t care less” about what I feel right now. I suppose I can’t blame him.
I have hurt him. So badly. And the sh1tiest thing of all is that he has hurt me right back. He calls it justification. When I mentioned the chemical imbalance, I was met with such sarcasm and told not to look for scapegoats or things to blame, it’s my fault and I am to blame.
Now, having all these horrid and unnecessary things being said to me, I don’t want to lose this man. I love him with all my being. How do I stop myself from pushing him away from me when this is not what I want to do. He hurt me. I am so sore. He told me he is not bothered that I am hurting and that I don’t respect him. How far did I go that he thinks I don’t respect him?
I do, I really do. I ache for him when he is not with me. He is my whole life. Where do I go from here? I hurt so bad. So bad. So bad. And right now, I’m too drunk to care. Oh yes, he’s not at home.
None of this happened before my previous *It’s hopeless” post. That says something doesn’t it. Now I really feel hopeless.
I am writing this down. It is now 9.33pm. I have 6 to 60 glasses under the belt. I am giggling at my handwriting. I am crying. I am crying. I am crying at my lonely and selfish pain.
Posted by antigua on September 15, 2004, at 4:53:28
In reply to Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long), posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 3:12:45
You're more than right, your husband doesn't understand. I don't think anyone can really truly understand the devestation of depression unless they have experienced it. My husband doesn't understand it either. When he gets too difficult to deal with, I drag him to my T and she makes him understand. He tends to always think the glass is almost completely empty when it comes to me, but lately I see it as filling up. My T tells me that my husband uses my "problems" to shield himself from having to deal with his own issues. She is right.
Can you get some counseling together? It's better if it's not just you against him, IMO.
best,
antigua
Posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 5:34:14
In reply to Re: Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long) » saw, posted by antigua on September 15, 2004, at 4:53:28
Hi Antigua
You know, my husband is very strong mentally and copes and deals with different things in an alarmingly composed way. He has relatively few hold-ups though he does know how to hold a grudge.
But your sentence "my husband uses my "problems" to shield himself from having to deal with his own issues" smacked me in the face. This could be it. He DOES have issues. Goodness, even the sanest of sane have issues. He is always telling me that he never regrets his actions. I think I have just discovered an issue! (In my heart, he must surely regret some of the horrid things he said to me).
We haven't even been married 5 months yet! I am not having any therapy at the moment. He went with me to my first and last app but I could sense and see the skepticism. When I next see my pdoc to see how the meds are doing, I am going to ask him to come with. Even if only to explain the chemical imbalance issue.
If I ask him to do counseling, he will burst out laughing! He *always* knows how to solve his own problems. (Hah - think I found another issue!!)
Thanks for that
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on September 15, 2004, at 7:03:30
In reply to Re: Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long) » antigua, posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 5:34:14
First and foremost - your health safety and wellbeing are of the highest priority. My husband realized long ago that I have a drinking problem, but the depression and anxiety were nothing he could relate to. He made fun of me rather than get angry, but that's his nature (and it hurts no less in some ways). I have bombarded him with literature, websites, offered to bring him to appointments, just hammered away at him.
After a year of intense treatment on my part, he is STARTING to have a glimmer of understanding. I just wanted him to believe that I was ill and was getting help, and he does "get" it.
A 5 month old marriage is a fragile thing. Who knows what ghosts your problems have stirred in him? I really would reccomend some counselling for both of you; but if he is not ready for that, you definitely should get some for yourself. Medication alone is not enough to help us get better, I am convinced of that (there are different camps of thinking on this issue, but I personally am responding to therapy and medication).
Will you be able to get your medications sorted out before you leave for the weekend? That is pretty critical right now.
Hugs to you, Sabrina. We are all here and pulling for you.
pc
Posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 7:20:39
In reply to Re: Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long) » saw, posted by partlycloudy on September 15, 2004, at 7:03:30
Hi pc
I was able to get the medication today. So very fortunately, I didn't have a break.
I find myself relatively resistant to therapy. Not that I don't want to have any, it's just that I become so tense and agitated that nothing gets achieved. That being one reason, the other is that my medical insurance is dry and after two sessions, I had to stop. I just cannot afford it. We do not have community centres that offer free therapy and stuff like that. The standard or level of service would not be adequate anyway. I have many issues with God and the church, so that is also out of the question. I guess, one reason I joined this board and am trying to be so active, is that I am seeking therapy here. I do know that there are many here who have far worse problems than mine. Unfortunately, that doesn't take any of my pain away. I am also not saying that my problems aren't relevant or worthwhile. (Problem worthwhile?? sounds goofy)
Anyway, I just feel really horrible today. It always takes me a long time to recover from hurt like this. I am already feeling that I need to hide my "condition" from him. Well, I will, but just until this weekend is over as he needs his concentration and doesn't need added pressure from me. I think my next step after that is to wait for him to calm down, take him out for dinner, and talk this whole thing out with him. I really need him to, as you say, "get it". Even if he never understands.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on September 15, 2004, at 8:09:42
In reply to Re: Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long) » partlycloudy, posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 7:20:39
There are self-help books out there that are helpful with depression - I think there is a link for publications on Dr. Bob's home page. That would be a good place to start, and you don't have to take the advice in any book as gospel. We're not all the same, so you can probably find some different techniques and exercises to help yourself.
BTW Dr. Bob does state that this site, although here for support and advice, isn't a substitute for therapy.
Posted by antigua on September 15, 2004, at 12:49:30
In reply to Re: Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long) » antigua, posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 5:34:14
Well, according to my husband, he's perfect :)
Good luck this weekend. See, for me, this is when I would really screw up--when my husband asked me not to and I was very fragile. Then he would get mad at me, I would feel guilty, which fed into my shame, yada, yada, yada, which just made me hit a downward spiral. Now I try not to be so defensive and try to deflect what he says when he's really talking about himself but blaming me for everything. He has a choice to be with me, just as I do w/him.
Everyone thinks he's such an enthusiastic, optimistic person, but he's not really. He's a pessimist at heart, but since I've learned that I treat him differently. He's very methodical, he's a scientist but I tell him that I don't fit in a test tube.
Please know that I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. We've been together a very long time but now I am able to stand up to him better and become the person I want to be and not the one he thinks I should be.
Take care,
antigua
Posted by pegasus on September 15, 2004, at 12:54:22
In reply to Achingly, painful hurt (this is VERY long), posted by saw on September 15, 2004, at 3:12:45
I think that your husband's behavior shows very clearly that he is not always able to handle his problems on his own, and that he could definitely benefit from some counseling. If he really doesn't ever regret anything he does, and yet he does stuff like you just described, then that, my friend, is a definite problem that he is not handling well.
I'm so sorry that you have to have that extra difficulty with your husband piled on top of your depression, which is plenty hard enough, I know. It's soooo hard when people we care about and depend on don't understand. But there are a lot of people out there who *don't* understand that different people have really drastically different experiences and skills and chemical situations.
I don't know how to make them understand. But I agree that having my husband talk to my T was very helpful. My H tends to be in denial, and minimize my problems, even if he doesn't ridicule them. It was really helpful to have my T sit him down one day and say, "Do you realize that at times you are the only thing between her and suicide?" Seeing my T take it so seriously somehow gave him permission to see it for what it was.
But it sounds like your husband is a different nut to crack. I wish you lots of luck in finding a way to manage this together.
(((saw)))
pegasus
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