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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
In front of my son. First one ever in front of my son. I had very good reason, although I wish I had handled it a lot better. I had done something unbelievably stupid and absent minded that could have led to the deaths of my mother's dogs. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had ended up a dog killer. Fortunately they're ok.
And this came right after my poor young son and I spent an hour trying to get my dad back into his wheelchair when he fell out. The poor boy is scared of blood anyway. But he behaved like a trooper. Helping me by squeezing cushions under my dad as I lifted him a few inches at a time. And him yelling and threatening to kill himself if i embarassed him by calling 911.
I'm going to have to call a home health agency tomorrow. My dad just can't be alone while my mother's in the hospital. And I'm not well enough to help him with the stuff he really needs help with, like bathing and going to the restroom. I'm not sure I'll ever be that well.
I wish I were a better person. I wish I didn't fall apart so as to scare my son. Or for that matter to get so upset and discombobulated that I almost caused two dogs deaths. And I thought I was getting better?
Now I've got to figure out how to make this day less traumatic for my son. He *hates* to talk about things, but he's got to be upset after two such upsetting incidents.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 22, 2004, at 21:06:24
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
((Dinah)) good luck - I can't believe what you and your family are going through. Your boy will be OK. Talk to him. Let him ask questions. Just be there for him.
I hope home health care is able to come through quickly for you all.
How are you doing now, Dinah? How long ago did this happen?
Posted by fayeroe on September 22, 2004, at 23:03:25
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
Dinah, I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time now but I'm really, really glad that you're going to call home health tomorrow. That will work. They helped both my parents...they were absolutely wonderful. Don't worry about your son too much, kids are awfully resilient and he most likely saw how strong you are and how hard you worked to get your dad back into his wheelchair.
Posted by All Done on September 22, 2004, at 23:52:39
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
(((((Dinah))))),
What a difficult day you've had. I think I can feel your pain, Dinah. Give your son lots a big hugs. I imagine they will help you both. He will be alright. The resiliency of kids...remember? And maybe make sure you are visiting your T as much as you possibly can right now.
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by saw on September 23, 2004, at 1:00:29
In reply to Re: Full scale hysterical meltdown » Dinah, posted by All Done on September 22, 2004, at 23:52:39
Oh Dinah, I understand the guilt you are feeling at falling apart in front of your son. I have done this in front of my 6 year old on numerous occasions and fear that I may have caused far reaching consequences later in life. I even blame myself for his recent ADHD diagnosis. If I could just have handled myself better and not fall apart at him and in front of him when things weren't going my way. Yet he is extremely loving and very attached to me, even if overly emotional. Everytime I promise myself that I will not become hysterical in front of him and then I do, it literally gouges me from the inside. But I have seen this little kid bounce right back up again. Yes, these precious blighters are so very resilient. He will be okay. You however, need to look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for something that you truly did not mean to do (and had every right to do anyway). Your boy shows a lot of strength and I think will be there for you just as you are there for him. No matter what.
Strength to you Dinah
Sabrina
Posted by 64bowtie on September 23, 2004, at 1:41:23
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
Posted by Larry Hoover on September 23, 2004, at 8:34:10
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
Y'all need one of my patented bearhugs.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dinah}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
> And him yelling and threatening to kill himself if i embarassed him by calling 911.
I hope next time you call 911, if there is such a need. The emergency folk come with skills and objectivity. Reality check for your dad. He might be stubborn, but he's scared. Nobody was thinking straight, hun. You use your better judgment to over-rule your son when he has ideas that aren't safe. That's what parenting is all about. Please, don't be afraid to mother your dad.
> I'm going to have to call a home health agency tomorrow.
Good call.
If you talk to your son about how scary that whole thing was for you, I think you'll open the door to making it more comfortable to talk about it. He helped you get your dad up. He was there for your dad, and there for you. Show him respect for that, and the fear will fade.
Hugs to you all,
Lar
Posted by Dinah on September 23, 2004, at 9:59:02
In reply to Re: Full scale hysterical meltdown » Dinah, posted by Larry Hoover on September 23, 2004, at 8:34:10
That was the approach I instinctively took with my son last night. I hope it has an effect after the big hysterical meltdown.
He did talk a little bit about it and did seem proud of what he had done to help, but he expressed most through a headache and a stomachache. He seems mostly better this morning.
Being a parent to my father is a lot harder though. He scares me when he yells and I instinctively try to do as he wants. I guess if he'd have still been on the floor in a few hours I'd have had to call the emergency people, but...
Thanks for the bearhug. :) I needed it. I'm not doing this transition at allll well.
Posted by Dinah on September 23, 2004, at 10:06:58
In reply to We're always here for you » (((Dinah))) » (nm), posted by 64bowtie on September 23, 2004, at 1:41:23
This was yesterday that it happened, and I spent the previous day bringing my parents to the doctors and getting my mom admitted. My parent reserve is depleted right now.
I hope my son is a resilient little guy. I try so hard not to melt down in front of him and usually succeed. But the stress of the dogs on top of holding it together with at my parent's house was too much. Thank heavens my husband was there.
And can you believe my therapist will be gone for a week? Oh well, nothing much he can do anyway.
The good news is that my poor brother is due home for leave friday. If he doesn't take one look at what's going on and turn around and beg to be sent back overseas foregoing his two weeks home, he'll be at the house at night anyway for a couple of weeks.
Posted by Catgirl on September 23, 2004, at 17:55:17
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
Dinah,
Don't beat yourself up over this. Taking care of ailing parents is a very difficult thing, more complicated if the parent acts difficult on occasion.
A good open line of communication should help your son to understand how you felt.Good Luck, and lean on your brother while he is here to help.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by gardenergirl on September 23, 2004, at 19:52:14
In reply to Thanks everyone., posted by Dinah on September 23, 2004, at 10:06:58
Dinah,
I'm sorry you had to go through that the other night. I can imagine it was stressful to the extreme. I don't have kids, so I can't relate from a personal standpoint, but it sure sounds like you are handling things with him just fine. And you know, in some ways, it's not so bad for him to see that people can have a meltdown and then move on. Besides I'm quite sure that all the other times with your son are far greater in number and quality. He won't forget the lessons from the good times, either. Being a good enough mother does not mean being a perfect mother. And I am quite sure that you ARE good enough.Take care of you, sweetie. Put that oxygen on yourself. I hope home health sends a caring and strong-willed person to help your dad and relieve you of some of that stress. And I hope your mom is doing better at the hospital.
((((((((dinah)))))))))
gg
Posted by daisym on September 23, 2004, at 20:21:48
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
Dinah,
You know what I live with. My youngest has seen seizures, held down his dad and his brother while I've given shots, etc. etc. etc. And yes, he gets scared and anxious. But by telling him it scares me too, we can talk about it. You did the right thing by opening the door. Leave it open for awhile. Watch for signs that he wants to talk. Mine often do while we are cooking or when I'm driving. They don't have to look at me.
Here is the other thing. Be honest with their quesitons. "Is grandpa going to die?" "Well, yes, not today and not tomorrow but sooner than we'd like." It is a process to help kids feel fear and not be ashamed of it. Especially boys.
I keep hearing my sons don't want supermom, just mom. Take care of yourself. This is the best modeling they can have.
And hugs for you, because I know you need a mommy right now too.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by karen_kay on September 24, 2004, at 18:37:31
In reply to Full scale hysterical meltdown, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2004, at 20:05:49
take care of yourself dear
Posted by Larry Hoover on September 25, 2004, at 13:08:54
In reply to Re: Full scale hysterical meltdown » Larry Hoover, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2004, at 9:59:02
> That was the approach I instinctively took with my son last night. I hope it has an effect after the big hysterical meltdown.
Of course it will.
> He did talk a little bit about it and did seem proud of what he had done to help, but he expressed most through a headache and a stomachache. He seems mostly better this morning.
He's just like anybody else. He did himself proud, but the circumstances were a little stressful, and his body reacted a little. I think the most important thing is "mostly better this morning". He rested, and he feels much better. Mommy was proud (and scared), and so was he. Perfectly natural.
> Being a parent to my father is a lot harder though. He scares me when he yells and I instinctively try to do as he wants. I guess if he'd have still been on the floor in a few hours I'd have had to call the emergency people, but...The time to sort this out, in your own head, is when you are not in crisis. Not when facing him. The rational thing to do if your dad's on the floor is to call 911. He may yell. He may threaten. But, if you have a rational plan in your "mental toolbox", you just reach for the correct tool. If he protests, and makes threats, tell him you're going to have to report that to the emergency personnel, too, if he doesn't settle down.
> Thanks for the bearhug. :) I needed it.You're oh so very welcome. They're a renewable resource. There's always another one. Oh, look! Here's one now!
{{{{{{{{{{{{Dinah}}}}}}}}}}}}}
> I'm not doing this transition at allll well.
Ya, you are, silly girl. ;-)
Lar
Posted by Dinah on September 25, 2004, at 22:41:33
In reply to Re: Full scale hysterical meltdown » Dinah, posted by Larry Hoover on September 25, 2004, at 13:08:54
Other than the fact that every time I mention my father he says "He's not doing *that* again, is he?" (trying to walk with a walker when no one is around)
And while I wish my hysterical outburst hadn't been so dramatic, I guess it's not the end of the world. My main concern with him is that I'm not real *enough* around him (because my parents were all too real), so I guess he got an extra dose of realness in one go.
Posted by Larry Hoover on September 26, 2004, at 8:12:32
In reply to Well, son seems better, posted by Dinah on September 25, 2004, at 22:41:33
> Other than the fact that every time I mention my father he says "He's not doing *that* again, is he?" (trying to walk with a walker when no one is around)
I can understand why your son might not want to revisit a similar situation. Have you encouraged him to help formulate a new plan, if you find yourself in a similar situation? "What about next time we call for help, and just make sure grandpa is as comfortable as possible while we wait for them to come?" That sort of thing, you know? He might be afraid that he's going to be asked to repeat the same thing you just did together. Let him be involved in planning. Darn good life skill.
> And while I wish my hysterical outburst hadn't been so dramatic, I guess it's not the end of the world.
It was a very real and human response.
> My main concern with him is that I'm not real *enough* around him (because my parents were all too real), so I guess he got an extra dose of realness in one go.
I think you're being too analytical. Really. What can you learn from what did happen, to make any future situations more adaptive? Did you tell your dad that if he falls again, the emergency crews will be coming? (He could have broken his pelvis, for example, and that means heavy but hidden internal bleeding.) His frailty is the issue, not his thoughts.
Lar
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