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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by fallsfall on November 1, 2004, at 17:42:32
My son is in the Army. He left for Japan yesterday - he'll be there for 3 years. He has been 1000 miles away for the last 1 1/2 years. He is 19.
So he came home for 2 weeks before going to Japan. I thought it would be nice for his grandparents and aunts to get to see him before he left, so I arranged a family party for Saturday. I told people they could come anytime after 1 (when I get home from work), and that we would eat late afternoon (hopefully before the trick or treaters started ringing the doorbell). One sister had a meeting in my area and said she would be here after 3:30 or 4 (she is living 500 miles away right now). The other sister decided not to come because her mother-in-law died a week ago (this was completely understandable and acceptable). My oldest came home from college to be at the party and say goodbye to her brother.
I got home at 1:30. My oldest and my son arrived around 2:30 (they were both staying at their dad's). My parents came at 3:30(?). They came in, I was cutting things up for dinner. They stood in the front hallway (without turning the light on) with my son and said hello. Then they started asking about his last year in the Army and what he knew about Japan. I suggested that they might want to sit down in the family room - so they did. (My oldest was on the computer deciding who to vote for) I listened to the conversation from the kitchen. My parents had questions for my son, and he answered them. It wasn't really a conversation - it was more like he was giving a report. My youngest joined them (she took a shower after work), and the inquisition of my son continued.
At some point, my oldest went in, and they asked her some questions. I joined them briefly and we talked a little about baseball (my son in a Yankees fan...). My dad brought a video of 5 minutes of a magician who he thinks is really good, so they watched that twice. Then it was dinner time. During dinner the trick or treaters started coming (but there weren't many it was pretty rainy). A few more questions were asked of my kids. And we talked a little bit about dancing (my youngest's passion). After dinner my two daughters demonstrated some Swing Dance.
My mother called me aside to show me a floor plan of an assisted living apartment that they have put a deposit on (it will be ready in 1 1/2 years). My sister has been talking to them about going into assisted living for 5 years now, but my father has been refusing. She didn't show this to my kids, nor did my father join in this conversation.
Then we all stood in the living room (where the dance demonstration was) and looked at each other. After about 30 seconds my mother sayd "Well, I guess we should go now", my father agreed. It was 7PM. My parents and sister left.
It seemed like a strange party to me. More like an inquisition, a report. Just the facts, Ma'am.
What do other families do when they get together? How strange is my family?
Posted by gardenergirl on November 1, 2004, at 18:46:45
In reply to Family party, posted by fallsfall on November 1, 2004, at 17:42:32
Um, at least they came? I'm glad everyone got to see your son before he left. It does sound like all the kids got to answer questions. I suppose you might look at it as your parents asking questions of your kids to show their interest?
I'm sorry it felt awkward. I bet your dinner was yummy. And it was very nice of you to plan this for your son. I know you wanted him to set off well.
gg
Posted by Ilene on November 1, 2004, at 20:31:31
In reply to Family party, posted by fallsfall on November 1, 2004, at 17:42:32
It may not be the happy movie version of a family party, but no one got into an argument or got drunk, did they?
Posted by octopusprime on November 1, 2004, at 20:32:24
In reply to Family party, posted by fallsfall on November 1, 2004, at 17:42:32
hey falls,
that reminds me of the stilted awkwardness of family get-toethers in my teenage years (and my early twenties).
it's hard to know what to say to relatives you don't see much. it's especially hard for somebody young, who might have many exciting things in his life (to him) that he definitely would not feel comfortable sharing with older folks!!!
if your father is not comfortable with assisted living, he may have been afraid of a confrontation and that's why he cut the visit short. i know how my grandparents despised the concept when my mom would bring it up. and then everybody is acting weird, on their best behaviour, with all the interesting bits left unsaid in the interest of having a nice polite dinner.
also maybe your father is not feeling well?
so it's functional. it's family obligation. but it's not necessarily enjoyable.
ps - my family get togethers are not like that now ... but then again i live across the country from much of my family and grandma and grandpa are dead :-/
pps - i too am sure that dinner was lovely and your son appreciated your efforts
Posted by daisym on November 2, 2004, at 0:16:36
In reply to Re: Family party » fallsfall, posted by octopusprime on November 1, 2004, at 20:32:24
My immediate family is 23 people, plus I have an Aunt lives close and has 3 kids who are married and have kids...so family get together's are loud, hectic and mostly about the food. (and wine.)
My husband's family is comprised on one cousin, her husband, one sister and her husband and his parents. We are the noise group, with our three boys. I use to glare at them across the table. I've given up now.
It is so much easier and fun to get together with friends. Or the kid's friends.
I'm sure you will miss your son. Three years is a very long time. Maybe you can go visit? Babble road trip to Japan? Think of the shopping we could do in Hong Kong...
Take some time to rest. I always appreciate how clean my house is after something like that. Makes it worth the effort.
Posted by fallsfall on November 2, 2004, at 6:50:54
In reply to Re: Family party, posted by daisym on November 2, 2004, at 0:16:36
When asked how the party went, my response was "it was fine" - because it was. There were no fights, no screaming, everyone was sociable and seemed to be glad to be there.
So I know it wasn't awful.
I guess that my question has more to do with how do "normal" families relate? I live 1 1/2 hours from my parents and see them 4 or 5 times a year. We talk on the phone maybe monthly. They are always happy to hear from me if I call (I think I am less enthusiastic when they call... hmm).
I'm wondering if this strained communication is because we really don't talk much. We don't spend time together, so when we are together we have to make every minute "count".
I feel that way with my son when he's home (and even when he was living at home). He lives at his dad's, so when he is at my house he is "visiting". He is happy and chatty etc. when he is at my house, but I have a feeling that I have to get in whatever I want to talk about really fast because I never know when he's going to decide that he is going to leave. So there isn't any time to just get used to each other??
My parents have a cottage on a lake. Sometimes my kids and I go and stay there for a day or two. When we do that, there are some good conversations over jigsaw puzzles. I almost set a jigsaw puzzle up for the party... maybe I should have.
I think part of the issue is that I know that I need to figure out how to be less purposeful - everything I do has a purpose, a goal. I find it really hard to just "be". I guess I felt like the party had a purpose (have children give reports on their lives to grandparents). Once that purpose had been fullfilled, there was nothing left. Isn't there supposed to be something left?
Posted by octopusprime on November 2, 2004, at 11:14:22
In reply to Re: Family party - Next question, posted by fallsfall on November 2, 2004, at 6:50:54
hey falls (again!)
i'll speak up as part of a "normal" family - i get along with my parents and sister ok, even though we are across the country from each other now.
i talk to my parents and my sister about once a week on the phone, usually on the weekend.
and i call my mom when i have questions about cooking, even though she can't usually answer them better than i can, because i think she likes it when i ask for advice. i don't mind taking her advice when it comes to cooking. the other advice she can keep to herself. :) so it's my little compromise when i talk to my mom.
that will obviously be impossible with your son in japan, but maybe you can write to him once a week? i'm sure he'll be happy to hear from you.
seeing family is a little more difficult with flights and such. this year was a strange year - lots of back and forth - my sister was here in march, i went home in june and august (for a workshop and a funeral respectively), and my parents were here in september. i think going forward i will go east once a year and my sister will come west once a year. that's enough for everybody. we have elected not to do christmas as a family - flights are too expensive to make it for major holidays.
i have talked openly with my parents about this arrangement and they said to me they are ok with it. since they said it i will believe it. i would like to see my sister more often but our schedules are difficult to coordinate.
Posted by annierose on November 2, 2004, at 14:20:50
In reply to Re: Family party - Next question, posted by fallsfall on November 2, 2004, at 6:50:54
I think what you may be searching for is an emotional connection, something more than an update on everyone's whereabouts. I feel that more with my husband's family (the connection) than my own, hmmm, maybe that is why I'm the one in therapy. Just being together is enough. With my family, it's hard to just "be". I like an activity so we can "do" something besides have a glass of wine or two. There is just too much disconnect with my parents. They don't "get it"
or "get me". I hope this was some sort of help.
In other words, the connection you feel with your T, you'd like to feel with your family, the closeness. But glad you had the party. That helps you maybe feel more connected? Your son probably will appreciated it, although maybe doesn't show it.
Posted by fallsfall on November 3, 2004, at 9:16:09
In reply to Re: Family party - Next question » fallsfall, posted by octopusprime on November 2, 2004, at 11:14:22
Thanks, OctopusPrime.
It is interesting to me to see how other families do things.
Now you have me thinking about my inlaws (who are sadly both departed from this world). We didn't live far from them, but didn't see them often. They didn't call us much, and we didn't call them much. But I think the feeling when we *did* see them was different. Like I felt that they would be happy for us to stay as long as we wanted to. They weren't very mobile, so we went to see them more than they came to see us - I guess that when they came to see us they did tend to "eat and run" - something about not wanting to drive in the dark. And when we visit my parents at their cottage, my mother would be happy for us to stay forever. My dad gets tired of the chaos (even of almost adult grandchildren). But when we are there *I* want to leave. Because they bicker and are really nasty to each other. It isn't so much that I don't want to spend time with either of them - it is more that I don't want to witness their interaction with each other. Though my mother's need to plan each minute with interesting activities and need to eat 3 formal meals at set times annoys me.
I guess there isn't such a thing as a "normal" family - that each family finds a way to interact that feels "comfortable" (!?!?) for them, and as long as everyone agrees that it is comfortable, then it is fine. Perhaps I just don't agree with my family about what is comfortable. But changing things like this requires everyone to change to some degree (maybe I should read "The Dance of Anger" again). It is hard to move towards change if you don't know what you want to change *to*.
Thanks for helping me think about this.
Posted by fallsfall on November 3, 2004, at 9:27:57
In reply to Re: Family party - Next question » fallsfall, posted by annierose on November 2, 2004, at 14:20:50
Yes, you are right. I am looking for connection - and I'm not finding that with my parents.
Maybe I should start with my sister. I know that she is also interested in connection - so I'm sure she would show less resistance. I tend to be the one who resists connection with her - she is always the one who calls, she wants to get together but I don't, etc. Hmmm...
The "activity" thing is a good idea. At Christmas, there is an "activity" - and sometimes there is something to play with for a while later in the day - though not as much as I would like, it was a little easier when the kids were smaller and there were more new toys to play with. Still, we open presents, then my mother folds up the wrapping paper so she can iron it, someone makes dinner while the others try to figure out how to interact together until dinner is ready (I guess this is what I have the problem with - it is really an effort to be together. We sit/walk around trying to figure out who to talk to/what to do with each other. I believe that it is a big effort for every one of us. I don't want it to be such a big effort.)
Perhaps it is because we didn't have *connection* when I was growing up - my mother doesn't really "get" emotions, and my dad was/is a workaholic. So we don't have *those* times in the past to build on now (?). So even though we are family and have known each other forever, and lived in the same house, we don't have a common foundation. Each of us is more like an island in the same lake.
Thanks, this is starting to make a little more sense to me.
I also need to look at this issue in relation to each of my children...
Posted by octopusprime on November 3, 2004, at 19:57:24
In reply to Re: Family party - Next question » octopusprime, posted by fallsfall on November 3, 2004, at 9:16:09
falls, your post is very interesting and it hits some points with my family too.
my mother and father bicker all of the time. (mostly my mom picking on my dad). i can't stand it! they are also homebodies that do not like outdoor activity, go to bed early, and watch too much loud television for my tastes. this was definitely a factor in me deciding to move across the country away from them ... my family's lifestyle did not agree with me so i set off on my own adventure (i moved away for no reason, with no partner or job lined up).
so change in family relationships can be imposed unilaterally. but you probably don't want to move across the country. :)
"normal" is a wide spectrum ...
> Thanks, OctopusPrime.
>
> It is interesting to me to see how other families do things.
>
> Now you have me thinking about my inlaws (who are sadly both departed from this world). We didn't live far from them, but didn't see them often. They didn't call us much, and we didn't call them much. But I think the feeling when we *did* see them was different. Like I felt that they would be happy for us to stay as long as we wanted to. They weren't very mobile, so we went to see them more than they came to see us - I guess that when they came to see us they did tend to "eat and run" - something about not wanting to drive in the dark. And when we visit my parents at their cottage, my mother would be happy for us to stay forever. My dad gets tired of the chaos (even of almost adult grandchildren). But when we are there *I* want to leave. Because they bicker and are really nasty to each other. It isn't so much that I don't want to spend time with either of them - it is more that I don't want to witness their interaction with each other. Though my mother's need to plan each minute with interesting activities and need to eat 3 formal meals at set times annoys me.
>
> I guess there isn't such a thing as a "normal" family - that each family finds a way to interact that feels "comfortable" (!?!?) for them, and as long as everyone agrees that it is comfortable, then it is fine. Perhaps I just don't agree with my family about what is comfortable. But changing things like this requires everyone to change to some degree (maybe I should read "The Dance of Anger" again). It is hard to move towards change if you don't know what you want to change *to*.
>
> Thanks for helping me think about this.
Posted by annierose on November 3, 2004, at 22:20:43
In reply to Re: Family party - Next question » annierose, posted by fallsfall on November 3, 2004, at 9:27:57
I can relate. My mom only operates on a surface level. My T said to me "she doesn't speak your language." And that make total sense to me. If you decide to try to build a deeper relationship with your sister, remember it takes time. The more contact, the more sharing, the easier it will be to open up. I decided to go back to therapy so I wouldn't make those mistakes with my children. I work really hard to make that connection on a daily basis.
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