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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shortelise on November 9, 2004, at 1:41:04
I've gone from black dog to black rat to black mouse to spider in my dreams.
I haven't had the kind of depression that last for months. I just get the fear abyss, the edge of nothingness that creeps toward my feet, that beckons, the dog barking in its depths. Fall in here, fall in, fall.
Then it recedes, and I am back among the laughing, moving friends, the people who get up in the morning and brush their teeth, whose sinks are not full of dirty dishes and whose clothes smell lemony fresh, whose baying hound lurks farther from their consiousness than does mine.
Have I lived too long with this panting buddy, my black companion who shrinks (no pun intended)and grows from monster to mouse? Is he like a cancer that can't be removed because he has grown into my tissues, into the blood vessels and sinews of me? Is fear too main a feeling, too central a station for me to give it up?
Does anyone get this?
Shortelise
Posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 2:16:32
In reply to black dog sad, posted by shortelise on November 9, 2004, at 1:41:04
Oh boy!! I get this!! Your post gave me goose flesh.
I am feeling so strange today, so out of touch with myself, almost as if I am a caricature or as if I am watching myself from above. And reading your post made me realise that it might just be that beckoning. That clawing, pulling, thrashing beckoning.
You wrote beautifully
Sabrina
Posted by shortelise on November 9, 2004, at 14:15:10
In reply to Re: black dog sad » shortelise, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 2:16:32
Thanks Sabrina.
Maybe I have to know he's there, maybe I have to refuse him, but that's just it, do I want to? Do I want to sink into the familiarity of him, forget the rest, forget the struggle to feel better.
ShortE
Posted by Gabbix2 on November 9, 2004, at 14:33:49
In reply to black dog sad, posted by shortelise on November 9, 2004, at 1:41:04
Oh do I get it!
I thought that was brilliant. There were parts that were far more poetic but one line that really struck me was the "lemony fresh" That said so much to me. A whole world that I only belong to half the time. People who have fresh coffee on a clean table in the morning and their milk is never sour. Sometimes when I go out I feel like a cockroach that's been forced into the light.
Posted by Toph on November 10, 2004, at 22:45:21
In reply to black dog sad, posted by shortelise on November 9, 2004, at 1:41:04
I can relate to parts of your apperition, Shortelise. The baying hound that wakes me at 3 a.m. is my work that I am horribly behind in completing. Kind of like unclean dishes and unkempt attire.
I'm a little puzzled by two differing fears you describe, the first is falling to awaiting jaws and the other is a consuming cancer. Also, do you have a sense that the dog is male or is it clearly evident that it is male? My hunch is there's something nagging you about a judgemental father, partner or boss that needs excizing. I hope you don't mind me taking a stab at this.
-Toph
Posted by shortelise on November 11, 2004, at 1:06:12
In reply to Re: black dog sad » shortelise, posted by Toph on November 10, 2004, at 22:45:21
Toph, depression is the black dog, my "bete noire" which is French for black beast and means, according to my Webster " a person or thing strongly detested or avoided". It wasn't long ago I learned that depression was called the Black Dog, though I knew the expression bete noire, and for years I've dreamt of black animals.
I often have the impression of standing on an abyss, and it feels as though anxiety is pulling me down. When I was a kid, I was afraid of hills, had the feeling that there was something that was trying to pull me to fall down them. There was, it's called gravity! But of course I didn't know that then, and it felt like something malevolent, something that wanted to hurt me.
Yes, the beast is male, always male. Good observation and I thank you for it.
What I meant, I guess, is that it feels sometimes as though the anxiety is so familiar that I am comfortable with it, that when I feel it coming on, instead of taking the steps I know might help dispell it, I am tempted to take the easy way, and just let myself fall into it.
The thing about cancer, the anxiety is so much a part of me that I wonder if I can get rid of it without taking away important parts of me. I am an "artist", my world revolves around creating. It sometimes feels like when the anxiety is gone, some of the impetus to create that I felt is also gone. The anxiety gives an edge to things.
Thanks Toph. I really had to think it through to answer you and it helped.
ShortE
Posted by Toph on November 11, 2004, at 8:05:05
In reply to Re: black dog sad » Toph, posted by shortelise on November 11, 2004, at 1:06:12
You're very welcome, but I make no claim to expertese in this. You paint descriptive images that one can easily relate to. Last night I was thinking of your two fears and couldn't see how they are related. Then I thought maybe they are out of order, if cancer consumes you literally or psychicly you probably will end up being dropped down a dark hole. I don't say this in a predictive way, only that your depression must grab you in a very threatening way. As an artist its understandable that you would fear depression smothering your creativity like a blanket.
As a bipolar I can also identify with you fear of ending anxiety, a natural motivator. Manic episodes, though highly destructive for me, are very seductive because in this psychotic state I am grandiose and have boundless energy. Most bipolars flirt dangerously with hypo-mania because these experiences are so energizing.
On the down side, depression for me isn't death, just plain unrelenting torture. I have been fortunate to have avoided a clinicl depression for a long time, but I always dread its return.
Sorry for all the gloom and doom, SortE. I hope you are coming to terms with your depression. As I see it, they are emotional experiences that can provide inspiration for your artistic expression. If you express yourself in some medium as you do in words, it must be a sight to see.
-Toph
Posted by shortelise on November 12, 2004, at 13:24:14
In reply to Re: black dog sad, posted by Toph on November 11, 2004, at 8:05:05
Thanks Toph,
I was using cancer as a metaphor, that is to say, as a symbol for the depressive anxiety I sometimes feel.
Take good care,
ShortE
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