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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cass on December 27, 2004, at 20:07:15
I've been feeling really fragile for the last couple weeks. I'm sort of depressed, but it's more than that. I feel vulnerable. My husband and I haven't been getting along quite as well as usual, and I'm sure that's a huge part of it. There's somehow not as much emotional intimacy between us right now. I think I've been distant too. This isn't all his fault. There's also a stressful financial issue going on right now. I'm practically phobic of financial issues. Although I paid my own bills for most of my adult life, I'd always anxiety attacks about going into banks, and I'd avoid paying bills even when I had the money to pay simply because writing out a check was so stressful to me. It got easier when paying bills online became possible, but it was still stressful.
I'm really feeling like an emotional cripple right now, and I'm having lots of rescue fantasies. Does anyone else have those? I imagine I'm in a vulnerable or desperate situation (unlike the real one I'm in), and in this fantasy someone kind and sensitive who I admire or love comes to save me, or just expresses a lot of concern for me. Unfortunately the rescuer in my fantasies is not my husband. I retreat to these fantasies A LOT when I'm feeling down or vulnerable. I've been entrenched in my imagination lately.
I feel like I need some understanding and tenderness. I just haven't been getting it from my husband. I'm not saying we have a bad marriage or that we're breaking up. I just need a little more emotional support than I'm getting right now, and I'm probably not providing as much as I should be either.
I probably need to wake-up out of this self-pity, but I haven't been able to.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 27, 2004, at 20:54:18
In reply to Feeling weak and needy, posted by Cass on December 27, 2004, at 20:07:15
Cass you sound depressed and I too have fantasies where I am rescued when I feel overwhelmed. Do you have a T or good friend? My husband isn't supportive either never has been so I know that void. My heart goes out to you and I do think the time of year, less light and holidays do not help any....
Posted by Phil on December 28, 2004, at 7:11:27
In reply to Feeling weak and needy, posted by Cass on December 27, 2004, at 20:07:15
Cass, My heart goes out to you. I don't have any fantasies of being helped but I definately relate to the financial phobia.
I hope you can reconnect with your husband and things level out for y'all.
Life is so difficult sometimes.Phil
Posted by partlycloudy on December 28, 2004, at 8:07:19
In reply to Feeling weak and needy, posted by Cass on December 27, 2004, at 20:07:15
Cass, I have problems dealing with financial issues too. It was a very big problem with my first marriage, so if anything, I'm worse than ever. It has helped me to consolidate my spending where I can, so instead of writing lots of checks to companies, I write fewer and larger ones. For some reason it helps me to see less paperwork waiting to be dealt with.
Hope things go smoother for you soon. And when your rescuer shows up, could you send them my way, too?
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 28, 2004, at 8:42:06
In reply to Re: Feeling weak and needy » Cass, posted by partlycloudy on December 28, 2004, at 8:07:19
Cass, I am so sorry you feel the way you do.
I am from the rescuing group.
Have been since I was a baby.
How can I help you?Maybe set up small moves toward the hard tasks?
With your husband set up little conversations that get closer to what you really want to communicate?
Pick your favorite time of day, when you feel most comfortable and then have these small conversations.
Make an agreement with him to help bridge the communication gab.
take baby steps. Stop when it feels uncomfortable. Make a deal with your husband about your option to stop when you feel you need to.
All this is just a suggestion. If you think or feel this is way over the top....
it's okay to pass on these ideas if you don't like them.
I will not be hurt.I have liked you and what you've had to say ever since the first post I have ever read.
your buddy Jai
Posted by Snoozin on December 28, 2004, at 8:44:53
In reply to Feeling weak and needy, posted by Cass on December 27, 2004, at 20:07:15
Oh, jeez, I feel the *same* way, so often! I can so relate to not being able to write checks. Is there any end in sight to the financial issue? *That* itself is probably what's making you feel vulnerable. I know when I finally get financial stuff under control, I feel so much better. When it's scr*wed up, I have nightmares about dying, being in car accidents, all that.
I don't know if this is right or not, but I personally believe having fantasies are a *good* thing. I think they are a good coping mechanism as long as they don't take over your life. I do it all the time, and in them, I am perfect, can sing, all the men want me, and I have a brilliant sense of humor and am to-die-for gorgeous! :-)
Anyway, are there any unrelated activities you can do with your husband that don't directly revolve around the finances or asking for emotional support? I just read this book that said men feel most intimate with their partners when they are doing some activity together. Don't know if it's true or not, but maybe hanging out with him a bit might make him feel more intimate emotionally, and then you'd get more support like you need and deserve.
Just a thought. If you are interested in the book, it's "Why We Love" It's all about the chemical processes our bodies go through to produce romantic love. It has some interesting theories on depression and love, as well, including how SSRIs affect our ability to love.
Hope things feel better soon. Thinking of you,
Susan
Posted by Cass on December 28, 2004, at 18:53:45
In reply to Feeling weak and needy, posted by Cass on December 27, 2004, at 20:07:15
Thanks for all the feedback. It helps to express it and when people respond in a caring fashion.
I tend to beat myself up for retreating into a fantasy world. I knock myself for being so emotionally weak. I feel a little better about it now. I'm also glad to know I'm not the only one.
Posted by anastasia56 on January 1, 2005, at 0:11:04
In reply to Re: Feeling weak and needy, posted by Cass on December 28, 2004, at 18:53:45
sweet cass you are not alone.
Lots of us have fears revolving around financial issues. I can write checks but I have inherited my mothers fear of having no money in my old age when that comes (her fear stems from living thru the depression era.)jai gave you some wonderful advice. it would be nice if you could put some of it into practice if it works for you.
big hugs (((cass))) you're one cool dudette!
anastasia
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