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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:13
Other than therapy and psychology, generally what interest do you have? Do you feel your life is fulfilling? That you have done/doing enough in your life?
I keep feeling little empty. I have done really quite a bit, ( in the career sense, I have moved to the US, established myself here, got a good job, decently ok in job etc), plus married, put up wiht marital problems, put up with mental health problems myself and all this csa stuff etc. I read and see movies and am generally socially aware etc. And now I participate in this board. I have tried my hand in singing..
But with all these also, I still find life inadequate or little empty. Somehow not fulfilling enough. As if still restless and somehow searching for something.
What do people find meaning in? Is having kids the answer?
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:13
In reply to What other thing are people interested in??, posted by pinkeye on June 12, 2005, at 19:22:18
I think I'm interested in too many things. :( I have trouble sticking with any of them.
However, fortunately my "enthusiasms" tend to come 'round again. So that serger I bought may come in useful yet. And my bathroom may yet get painted. And my library put on a database.
So much to do, so little time.
Oh heavens, I'm so like my mother. (Which is a deadly insult in my house.)
My usual philosophy is that kids are *never* the answer to anything, because we aren't supposed to put that much burden on them.
That's my theoretical stance, and I believe it.
However, in reality it's also true that kids are very centering. Wanting the best for them affects so many other aspects of your life.
Posted by sleepygirl on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:13
In reply to What other thing are people interested in??, posted by pinkeye on June 12, 2005, at 19:22:18
Sometimes I'll take a continuing ed class, art, dance or something at the local high school. My life is not quite fulfilling yet(I'm too moody and anxious). No I don't think I've done enough in my life yet. A major task remains:feeling comfortable in my own skin.
I don't know about kids, you have to give them a lot, and so I guess it's better to be content first, so you can genuinely show them all that you know life has to offer. I keep hearing my biological clock ticking though.
Posted by JenStar on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:13
In reply to What other thing are people interested in??, posted by pinkeye on June 12, 2005, at 19:22:18
I often feel empty too, or lost. I feel that I have huge reserves of creativity that are not getting tapped. I feel that I should be doing more, achieving more, creating more. No matter what I do, it's not enough for me.
I also tend to compare myself to impossible people and goals.
I don't know what would fulfill me. Perhaps a child could help (it's one thing I really want in life) but I think the *other* emptiness would still be there.
I don't know the answer. I'm still searching too.
J
Posted by Jazzed on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:13
In reply to What other thing are people interested in??, posted by pinkeye on June 12, 2005, at 19:22:18
I often feel that there has to be more to this life. I feel unfulfilled, empty, bored, that I haven't accomplished much of anything, and that although I'm usually busy, I have few friends and don't do much socially.
I do love my husband and kids, we have 4, but I would never have kids to make me happy. I'd want to be secure and happy before going into it because having kids can create new problems, marital problems, and then the kids can have problems. If people truly want kids, then go for it, but if people are ambivalent, I'd wait and see where your feelings go.
I don't know what to do to feel fulfilled. I suppose, looking forward, and deciding what you want to accomplish before you die is good. I exercise all the time, and want to be physically fit, so I don't die of weight related problems. So, I'm considering doing an ironman at some point down the road, or 1/2 ironman if there is such a thing. I'd like to travel a bit with my husband. I'd like to get our relationship back to where it was at it's best, I'd like to go back to school and do something with my life. And then I'd like to be the best mother in law and grandmother ever.
I think my problem is I'm hormonal, so the grass is looking quite green for those who have 2 or 3 kids. Sorry, don't mean to whine. Slap me!
Jazzy
Posted by pegasus on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:13
In reply to What other thing are people interested in??, posted by pinkeye on June 12, 2005, at 19:22:18
I spend a lot of time investigating psychological stuff, too. There is so much diverse info and theories out there that I feel I could never get to the end of that particular fascination. But I have lots of other things going on, and actually, yes, I do feel pretty fulfilled in my life.
I think for me, the thing that made me finally feel satisfied was working though in therapy the things that I dreamed about or lost but never considered living in my real current life, and then figured out how to put them in my life in some form. That was so freeing. For me, that meant:
1. Doing a fair amount of volunteer work (hotline and in person counseling with women kids, and teaching poor kids computer skills) at first. And then later I started taking classes in those things as well (counseling, child development, etc.).
2. Adding a spiritual component back to my life, and finding a spiritual community.
3. Changing my home so that it reminds me of the areas of abundance in my life, and not the areas of scarcity. For example, I've taken down the framed diplomas and things related to my first career. I've put up lots of pictures of my friends and (the helpful members of my) family. I've also done some casual art, and placed it in special places. I have various symbols of important things to me incorporated into the decor (what there is of it) of all the rooms of my house.
4. Having a child, because that was something important to me that I'd convinced myself I couldn't have for various reasons. But I think a child is not a good answer for everyone. Like Dinah said, that's a heavy burden for the kid if you're planning for them to fix your life. Kids are a lot of work, and they certainly limit what else you can do, at least for a while. And they can be totally different than what you expect.
I'm not trying to talk you out of kids. My daughter is the brightest shining spot in my life. I just see a lot of parents that are not really into it or suited for it, and it breaks my heart what that can do to the kids and to the parents.
Good luck finding what works for you. I wish it was easier to figure out. But it seems like asking the question is a good first step.
pegasus
Posted by Tamar on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:13
In reply to What other thing are people interested in??, posted by pinkeye on June 12, 2005, at 19:22:18
I often think that empty feeling has a lot to do with depression.
I really don’t think having a child answers any questions or problems. It’s wonderful, but it’s also really hard work. I think it’s important to be sure you’re ready. If you’re certain you want a child now, then go for it! But if you have doubts it’s probably best to wait. You’re still young; you have plenty of time, so you don’t need to rush a decision.
I find playing team sport helps me feel less empty, but I recognise that I’m a bit of a freak! There’s something really great, though, about being part of a soccer team or something like that. I like the feeling of having a common purpose, and it’s always an adventure. Winning is simply fantastic, and losing isn’t actually too bad. I love playing sport much more than watching sport, but watching can be fun.
Oh, and I also find going to plays and concerts really exciting. I went to see a performance of Wagner's Ring Cycle a few months ago (not everyone's cup of tea, I know) and I loved it! If I listen to a CD of music from the Ring I'm straight back into the memory.
Posted by PM80 on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:14
In reply to Re: What other thing are people interested in?? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 13, 2005, at 12:36:48
I think pegasus had some good pointers.
I feel the same way - bored too much of the time. I coached a girls' soccer team, which was fun, but is now over. Volunteering, I think, can definitely fill a void. It gives you something to do that doesn't feel like you are just masking the emptiness - like, say, partying when you're bored does. Not that I'm saying that taking an art class or joining a team isn't worthwhile. It really can help you stretch and help you see things from a different angle. Just be careful of doing something just for the sake of doing something, because then you are only masking the emptiness, not filling it. My thought was that what better way could I possibly spend my extra time than making someone's life better. Doing something that is not centered in self is always rewarding to the soul. Find a cause that you can truly relate to on a personal level and try to find a way to help others with that problem.
It seems, pinkeye, from things that you have shared that you have so much to offer others. And the interesting fact is, you probably will find happiness when you find a way to healthily give it out to those who are in need. Maybe you could start a women's group for female indian immigrants? It could be a book club, or a weekly tea, or whatever. I would guess that a lot of issues that you have dealt with are far more common than you think. If you open up, others may be surprisingly willing to open up as well. Or maybe you could focus on teaching english to newer immigrants. Or maybe you've thought of something totally different, but just would not know how to get started - we may be able to help give you ideas.
Hang in there. We're all glad that you've joined here. And you're right that boredom can be a serious problem psychologically. At least, it is sometimes for me.
Posted by pinkeye on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:14
In reply to Re: What other thing are people interested in??, posted by PM80 on June 13, 2005, at 12:57:35
Posted by pinkeye on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:14
In reply to Re: What other thing are people interested in??, posted by PM80 on June 13, 2005, at 12:57:35
Thanks everyone. I liked what each of you have said. I bundled up the replies.
Dinah - I am also like you - get interested in lot of stuff, but then don't end up doing anything fully.
Sleepygirl - I also have problems in feeling comfortable in my own skin even now. I guess if I take care of that first it will be a major fulfillment for me.
Jenstar - I think you and me are alike in many ways!!
Jazed - Thanks for the input. Yeah, I think you make sense that kids are not somethign to be taken lightly.
Pegasus - I am glad you found what works for you. I hope I will be able to too. I liked that you have mentioned a rounded way of living including everything.
Tamar - I also agree that kids may not be the best answer for now perhaps. maybe I should wait for my marriage to solidify more.. just thinking - is 28 old enough for kids? in my country, people have kids as soon as they are married
PM80 - thanks for the social point of view. Maybe I could do something like that later on. For now I thnk I will settle wiht babble and online. I seriously think having more of a social life now will put my marriage and career in jeopardy and I won't be able to focus on my personal life that much. But I do believe I should do soemthign more social little later. I will keep that in mind. thanks.
Posted by Tamar on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:14
In reply to for everyone, posted by pinkeye on June 13, 2005, at 15:29:45
> Tamar - I also agree that kids may not be the best answer for now perhaps. maybe I should wait for my marriage to solidify more.. just thinking - is 28 old enough for kids? in my country, people have kids as soon as they are married
Oh yeah! Sorry - I didn't mean to imply that you were too young - just that you are young enough to have plenty of time.
I was 29 when I had my first. And it wasn't exactly planned (neither was number three!). But although my pregnancy was a little unexpected and I felt a quite unprepared, it was actually lovely.
One thing I would mention is that pregnancy has a way of bringing all kinds of psychological issues to the fore. It's very common for people with a history of csa to find that pregnancy is very triggering. So I would say I hope you have plenty of psychological support when you decide to have a baby.
For what it's worth, I think you'll be a wonderful mom!
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:14
In reply to Re: for everyone (****possible trigger****) » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 13, 2005, at 15:37:20
Thanks. My husband keeps pressing me to have a baby soon. And all my relatives are also asking us to have one soon (indian custom).
So I have to have one soon anyway and I love kids. So that won't be a problem I guess. Lots of kids seem to get very attached to me also (friend's kids, neighbours etc). So hopefully I should do fine as a mom.
The thing is I seem to be doing perfectly well as long as the relaitonship is little distant and it doesn't interfere in my life, but once it becomes too close and interferes in my life, then I get mad and angry and feel like beign controlled.. wonder if everyone feels that way. I am fine with people as long as they are a little distant.
And I still haven't really figured out if I had csa or not :-). Sometimes I feel like it was big time abuse, sometimes I feel what the heck, it was nothing.
Posted by Jazzed on June 14, 2005, at 23:08:14
In reply to Re: for everyone (****possible trigger****) » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 13, 2005, at 16:13:56
I'm sure you'll be a great mom pinkeye. I do hope you can wait until you are ready, and not have a child because of pressure from your husband or in-laws, esp. if you might feel that your life is being controlled when things get too close. Nothing closer or more time consuming than a child.
On the other hand, I don't think there's anything as powerful as the love parents can have for their children. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before, sometimes my heart just feels like it's bursting with love for my kids.
Jazzed
Posted by happyflower on June 16, 2005, at 11:05:39
In reply to What other thing are people interested in??, posted by pinkeye on June 12, 2005, at 19:22:18
Well my husband just brought home a trumpet last night. I haven't played in about 15 years. I still could play! I was a music ed and preformance major in college, just 1/2 semester from my diploma. I just called one of my old trumpet instructers to see if he had any openings for lessons. I guess I am a little scared to be opening up this can of worms, but I am excited about it.
I am also interested in becoming a master gardener also. I have contacted a local horticulter school for classes that maybe start in Aug. Gardening is my main passion these days.I don't know why I am doing all this, maybe I am going through a mid life crises or something. My T is all for this, in fact he is my main supporter in all this. It feels weird to do things for myself instead of only thinking of my family. This is a changing year for me! lol
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