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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:26
I applied for Social Security disability today. I am so embarrased to have to do this but now I've hurt my family and may lose everything. I'm sure they will not approve my claim because mental illness is hard to prove and not taken very seriously. They probably think I'm a deadbeat. I feel worthless.I can't keep a job. Get fired after a few days or weeeks everytime. My family would be better off without me. My insurance will provide financial stability for a long time. I've been on Effexor XR for about 2 years. I'm up to 150 mg and may have to increase to 300 mg. I lost our first homeplace and it broke my children's hearts. There are many worse things than death I'm sure. My biological parents abandoned me and my brothers and sisters when I was four. I hope my children don't think I want to abandon them. They act like they hate me. I have been a failure. They don't need me anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:26
In reply to Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 25, 2005, at 22:38:02
Jimmy, Stay!
Money could never replace a father. I didn't get much when my dad died from a cash point of view, but it didn't matter. It wouldn't have brought him back.
Don't get me wrong, we never had a good relationship. For several years we didn't have one at all. I hated him for leaving us for his girlfriend. I still struggle with issues today because of him.
But I am so thankful we became friends before he died. I can't imagine how I would have suffered had it not happened.
Stick around. I've said something like this before to another poster here: Life is like a big roller coaster. Sometimes we throw up all over each other during the ride. The climb back up is always slower than the ride downhill, but you will come back up. You'll just have to stay on the ride to get there.
Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I think you need to call them right away if you are. If not, please have your md refer you to one first thing in the morning. And if you don't think you're going to make it through the night, go to the hospital now.
Once you get your health issues taken care of, then you can focus on regaining what you've lost.
Posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:26
In reply to Re: Against the wall » Jimmy Go, posted by crazy teresa on July 26, 2005, at 0:29:05
Thank you Crazy Teresa, I'm still here. One day I'm happy and the next day I'm so down I can't see tommorrow. Sounds like a sad country song. I will try to see a Dr today. I have been in therapy but not lately. I am terrified that if I tell how I feel I will be involuntarily hospitalized at a mental health facility.
Posted by fairywings on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 6:50:33
Hi Jimmy,I'm glad you're still here, and I'm glad you have good days. I hope that knowing the bad feelings/days will pass can get you through them. Teresa is right, I'm sure you're a good father even though you aren't feeling well right now. It's not your fault, you'd feel good if you could. There's nothing that could ever replace you in your kids eyes. Not being there would hurt more than being there and feeling depressed. Please keep yourself safe.
Is it possible that you need a change in meds? Have you posted to the meds board? There are some really knowledgable people over there, like SLS - maybe post to him directly. Do you have confidence in your p-doc? You have to tell him how you feel! He can't help you unless he knows how bad you've felt and for how long. I don't think they'll hospitalize you, but might have you sign a contract where you'll get help immediately if you start to feel suicidal.
A therapist is a good idea. It's really hard to tell someone when you feel so bad, esp. when you're embarrassed about it, or afraid of them knowing, but when you find a good T, they can help you through it. Most Ts have heard it all, nothing you could say would shock them. I think the standard now is signing a no harm contract, at least that seems to be what I'm reading.
As far as disability. I hope you get it, I know you should be able to get it. My dad's wife got social security disability when she was in her late 50's, is still getting it. She was a very high paid professional, but got lazy as all get out, and just didn't want to work anymore, so she pretended to have all kinds of mental problems which she never had before. I don't advocate that, I can't stand the woman or what she stands for. It's unfair to people who need disability, like you. What I'm trying to say is that if someone like that, who doesn't deserve it can get it, someone who really deserves it, like you, should be able to.
fairywings
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 25, 2005, at 22:38:02
I'm glad that you are feeling better today. I think one of the most powerful ways that I talk myself out of killing myself is to think of how my loved ones would react. No matter how unloved you feel now, suicide would be very cruel to your family. Suicide is so destructive to the people in your life. It is very, very hard to heal from someone's suicide, especially a parent. Think about the faces of your loved ones and the devastation and tears. Think of all of the important events you will miss (graduations, weddings, grandchildren) and how sad they will be that you aren't there.
Also, insurance almost never pays death benefits if the death is by suicide. They do it for the very reason that you mention. They don't want people killing themselves "for their families."
I hope that you can find a way to live for yourself, but in the meantime, do it for your family.
Take care,
EE> I applied for Social Security disability today. I am so embarrased to have to do this but now I've hurt my family and may lose everything. I'm sure they will not approve my claim because mental illness is hard to prove and not taken very seriously. They probably think I'm a deadbeat. I feel worthless.I can't keep a job. Get fired after a few days or weeeks everytime. My family would be better off without me. My insurance will provide financial stability for a long time. I've been on Effexor XR for about 2 years. I'm up to 150 mg and may have to increase to 300 mg. I lost our first homeplace and it broke my children's hearts. There are many worse things than death I'm sure. My biological parents abandoned me and my brothers and sisters when I was four. I hope my children don't think I want to abandon them. They act like they hate me. I have been a failure. They don't need me anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore.
Posted by Carolina on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 6:50:33
Hey JG-
U have an illness! It is NOT ur fault! I can tell u speaking from som1 that never had parents-no amount of $ could ever replace what family puts in ur heart. U are going through hard times right now but things WILL get better. Have u talked w/ ur doc about this? How old are ur daughters? Are u w/ som1 to give u support right now?FYI... When u get to the bottom of ur rope-tie a BIG knot and hang on
Posted by B2chica on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 25, 2005, at 22:38:02
JG, just a short message. 1)hang in there please 2)post here and tell us what you want to have happen instead of acting on it. remember there IS a difference between thinking about it and doing it. you can allow yourself to think but strong hold yourself from acting on those thoughts because the thoughts do cease.
3)when i was on effexor it made me rapid cycle, literally every day/other day one day very down, next very up. this could explain your response? either way it's not quite working for you. Please go see your GP or pdoc about your meds. it's very important and you deserve to feel good again.
best wishes
b2c.
Posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall » Jimmy Go, posted by B2chica on July 26, 2005, at 10:48:17
To Everyone who responded, Thank you! I appreciate your genuine concern. Many times I've been told to "Have a nice day" or "We will put you on our prayer list" after I have poured my heart out. The meanest folks I have met are at church. A famous evangelist once said, "You can find more compassion in some bars on Saturday night that you can find in most churches on Sunday morning". One of my least favorites is, "You need to find out what you've done bad in life for God to do this to you". They tend to shoot their wounded.
Posted by fairywings on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 11:26:41
> One of my least favorites is, "You need to find out what you've done bad in life for God to do this to you". They tend to shoot their wounded.
Oooo, I agree, you need to stay away from people/places like that.
FW
Posted by Carolina on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 11:26:41
anytime-thats why we r HERE so pls dont 4get that! luvvins-carolina
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Carolina on July 26, 2005, at 14:11:29
Jimmy, you know disability doesn't have to be forever, just until you're well and Medicare comes with it and it's good insurance. A pdoc can help you get it if you apply. His evaluation is what will determine if you do get it. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2005, at 19:23:33
Phillipa, Thanks for the advice. I'm sure it's going to be an uphill process. I hope I can find more effective medication and another profession. At this point I want to simplfy my life. I've always worked in law enforcement and a short time and for Child Protective Services. I am 51 and still trying to save the world and I haven't even been able to overcome my past enough to solve my own problems. My biological parents dissapeared (abandoned) us when I was 4. I've only seen one sibling since. When I was 12 I saw my adoptive dad die at age 42. I've got a lot of baggage. It is getting heavier lately.
Posted by fairywings on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 20:23:10
Jimmy, I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been through. You have been through more than most people, you are a survivor. People like you, who want to save the world, are rare. The world would be a better place if there were more like you. I hope you get on effective meds, and can find something that fulfills you. I hope you do try therapy again too.
My T is having me read the book The Courage to Heal, which is primarily about childhood sexual abuse, but it really pertains to any type of child abuse. Abandonment (or neglect) is child abuse. Maybe you'd be interested in taking a look at the book too. I'm finding that it's really helping me at least open my eyes to what happened to me as a kid, even if I'm not ready to feel yet.
FW
Posted by Phillipa on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 20:23:10
Jimmy a lot sounds familiar, my Mother died when I was l7. She was sick from the time I was 2. My parents didn't even sleep in the same bedroom. We ate by ourselves in our rooms on TV trays. No one ever taught me anything I basically raised myself. Married at l8, pregnant with high school sweatheart's child. He'd already been cheating on me but I wanted to be with someone. Had 3 kids with him. The cheating continued on both sides. After 21 years divorced . I could go on and on. Stay safe and write if you want my Babblemail is on. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall » Jimmy Go, posted by fairywings on July 26, 2005, at 21:09:16
Thanks FW for your fast reply. I really look forward to hearing from people who care. I have a real need to serve and help people but I can't stand the bureacracy. I am considering maybe becoming an investigator for legal aid, an advocate for abused children and juvenile offenders or a domestic abuse victim's advocate. If I could afford it I would be an activist. I have a heart for children and helpless people who are exploited. I have a lot to offer but am usually treated like an idiot because I am so passionate about these issues. As a police officer I often crossed "the thin blue line" and prevented other officers from abusing their authority and intentionally hurting people. I would rather see people restored than destroyed. Oh well, I'm on my soap box again and they're coming to take me away.
Posted by fairywings on July 26, 2005, at 23:49:27
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 21:33:41
>> I have a heart for children and helpless people who are exploited. I have a lot to offer but am usually treated like an idiot because I am so passionate about these issues. As a police officer I often crossed "the thin blue line" and prevented other officers from abusing their authority and intentionally hurting people. I would rather see people restored than destroyed. Oh well, I'm on my soap box again and they're coming to take me away.
This is all good stuff Jimmy, things to take pride in, but I know what you mean, people do look at us funny when we're passionate about an issue. Hard to restrain the passion, and be the quiet hero. Don't stop being passionate though, we need more people who are willing to take a stand for helpless victims.
FW
Posted by Carolina on July 30, 2005, at 4:11:40
In reply to Re: Against the wall, posted by Jimmy Go on July 26, 2005, at 21:33:41
This is the end of the thread.
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