![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by phil on November 2, 2005, at 19:32:50
I've had manic episodes in my life but only one, a couple of years ago, happened while seeing a pdoc.
I left work one afternoon after just breaking down in front of, or to, a coworker. Not good. It wasn't pretty.
Went straight to my doc and she added Zyprexa to my cocktail immediately-gave me a few to take right then.
She wrote a note to my work that I would need three to four months off.
She sends me home w/ my new script and within two days I was manic. Total switch. It lasted for a month. I went crazy doing stuff to my yard and a neighbors yard. You name a type of yardwork and I was doing it-sunup to sundown. Using muscles that hadn't been used in years. Worked so hard that I could hardly move after cooling down. I was m o t i v a t e d!!
Shopping at Lowe's Home Depot and others, I spent more money than I would ever be able to repay. That led to a bankruptcy. Whoops!
The whole point of this is that I really miss the mania. I was so at peace and energized by it all--even though there were some costs to pay for that ride.
I'm on meds now that have stopped the mania cold(I'm flatter than a pancake)but the depression is still there..relentless.
..........One of these days I'll be happy. Somewhere down the line...you know? I wish that for us all.
Phil
Posted by TamaraJ on November 2, 2005, at 20:42:07
In reply to On being bipolar., posted by phil on November 2, 2005, at 19:32:50
> One of these days I'll be happy. Somewhere down the line...you know? I wish that for us all.
>I hope that too. Sometimes I think (and fear actually) that maybe I used all my happy up in the first 43 years of life, going, going, going - non-stop from early morning to late at night. Not that I'm miserable unhappy now, but just not the me I'm used to. I'm not bipolar, but I have pretty much lived my life just below hypomanic since I was a teen, doing what I wanted, when I wanted (spur of the moment Carribean vacations, 2 a.m. drives to Montreal for cheesecake, midnight trips to Toronto to party with friends, all-nighters for days on end . . . ). Too much sometimes, but never a dull moment. Oh well, the energy will return.
Everybody deserves happiness. And, it's funny (to me at least), but everybody's version of happiness is different. I guess it's just a matter of finding that state of being that brings you peace and contentment, and not succumbing to what others think should bring you peace and contentment (not making any sense here - oh well).
Posted by Maynerd on November 2, 2005, at 20:42:20
In reply to On being bipolar., posted by phil on November 2, 2005, at 19:32:50
I wish they could give me a shot that made us permanently hypomanic, that would be heaven to me. I don't want to have it make me full blown manic because they are both exciting yet quite terrifying when they get out of hand. I learned how to beat some of the bad parts, I refuse to have a credit card and will not carry more than $40 on my person at any time. I also taught myself to never buy anything at the first place I see it; I make myself price shop at more than one place. This has saved me from buying the countless bright, shiny objects that I initially thought I couldn't exist without.
I pray that you find that happy, peaceful place one day, sooner than later. I pray that one day I find that place too.
Posted by Tabitha on November 3, 2005, at 0:48:46
In reply to Re: On being bipolar., posted by Maynerd on November 2, 2005, at 20:42:20
My last pdoc was convinced that I must want to hang onto my highs when I didn't stay on mood stabilisers. But I don't like mania, or even hypomania. I'm embarrassed by being inconsistent with people. I'll be all friendly and open and social for a couple weeks, then just withdraw and not feel like even a friendly hello, and then I just neglect the relationships or withdraw. I feel like I must appear to be nuts. And that's just mild swings. When I look back on my real hypomania, I'm mortified by things I did. I didn't bankrupt myself, but I made a real fool of myself socially, including some irresponsible sexual behavior. What I wouldn't give to un-do some of the results of that. Such embarrassing memories, and damage to my reputation. I've just tried to move on from everyone and anyone who knew me 'then'. I hate hypomania! And that's just hypomania. The thought of full-blown mania is even worse. It just terrifies me, the thought of having my impulse control broken for days, weeks on end, and people don't understand you're not really 'you'. Yuck!
Oh, and I also loved how people thought I had a drug problem because of my erratic behavior. (A friend told me my boss at work had come to this conclusion) and of course I was too embarrassed to tell everyone no it wasn't a drug problem it was bipolar, since that stigma seemed even worse than having a reputation as having a drug problem. Wonderful times.
So I actually much prefer being depressed. At least you seem more normal. I'd rather appear lazy, unmotivated, and chronically late than high, crazy, and slutty. Just my preference.
Posted by fairywings on November 3, 2005, at 8:46:41
In reply to On being bipolar., posted by phil on November 2, 2005, at 19:32:50
The flatness, depression, apathy s*cks. Does your p-doc give you any hope of getting some good feelings back?
fw
Posted by Phil on November 3, 2005, at 10:47:38
In reply to Re: On being bipolar. » phil, posted by fairywings on November 3, 2005, at 8:46:41
It's almost like he's putting the ball in my court.
It's like he's asking what I want to do but the only medical suggestion he's brought up has been vagus nerve stimulation. I'm not ready for that.
I'm just getting a little frustrated again. My depression isn't critical but I'm not exactly filled with hope for the future.
We'll see. The tough part is that I start second guessing my own reality.
Posted by alesta on November 3, 2005, at 11:47:17
In reply to On being bipolar., posted by phil on November 2, 2005, at 19:32:50
hi phil,:)
just wanted to say hi and that i really care and wish only happiness for you. you are one standup guy.:) i think it's kind of funny that you were also messing with your neighbor's yard...i'm sure they were appreciative of your mania.:-)
amy;)
p.s. i wish i could be manic every once in a while, too!!! like to utilize as a natural stimulant when i'm really exhausted. although it would probably create more problems than it helps eg a spending spree would not be prudent. eh nevermind...:-) good luck phil...
Posted by spriggy on November 3, 2005, at 13:58:26
In reply to Re: On being bipolar. » phil, posted by alesta on November 3, 2005, at 11:47:17
That's one reason I don't believe I'm bipolar.
I've never experienced that. I almost wish I did.
When I get "manic" or whatever they call it, it is not fun. It is agitated, angry, anxiety, can't sleep, feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
Nothing fun about it.
Now, when my dad gets manic, EVERYONE wants to be around him. He makes everyone happy. He would buy you the moon if you wanted.
In fact, I had this same conversation with him PHIL, as you mentioned.
I actually remember sitting on his back porch at night with him a few summer's ago (he was manic then and not sleeping) and I said, " Oh dad, don't you just wish you could be normal?"
He said, " No way. I wouldn't trade this ride for anything. I love the way I feel when I'm up, it's just the crash and burn part I hate. But at least I get the roller coaster- life would be boring if I was just always mellow."
I said, "Wow." In some weird/twisted way, that made lots of sense to me. ROFL
Posted by sleepygirl on November 3, 2005, at 17:22:21
In reply to On being bipolar., posted by phil on November 2, 2005, at 19:32:50
always the darn trade off eh?
Posted by phil on November 3, 2005, at 17:35:16
In reply to Re: On being bipolar. » phil, posted by alesta on November 3, 2005, at 11:47:17
Totally freaked my neighbor out! : )
Posted by phil on November 3, 2005, at 17:41:09
In reply to Re: On being bipolar. » phil, posted by sleepygirl on November 3, 2005, at 17:22:21
So true. It bites!
Posted by Toph on November 3, 2005, at 17:49:43
In reply to On being bipolar., posted by phil on November 2, 2005, at 19:32:50
It's always been a sadness for me phil that I have to take a medication to prevent me from becoming excessively energized and elated. I always thought that there was supposed to be no such thing as being too happy. But regretfully for bipolars this is the case. Lithium keeps me in check and out of the hospital. I just wish the medication left me a little hypomanic instead of a little depressed most of the time.
Posted by phil on November 3, 2005, at 17:50:42
In reply to about mania..PHil, posted by spriggy on November 3, 2005, at 13:58:26
I can appreciate your dad's way of thinking. I have symptoms more like yours, Spriggles. Anger, agitation, etc.
If I wasn't medicated though, you could give me a weedeater and let me loose in the back forty. Sheep would be in awe.LiHp
Posted by phil on November 3, 2005, at 17:58:24
In reply to Re: On being bipolar., posted by Toph on November 3, 2005, at 17:49:43
Amen to that, Toph. I think I was still a rookie at bipolar. At least being aware of it. I wish I could get that fascinated about anything these days. I'd just have to leave the debit card at home.
Phil
Posted by phil on November 3, 2005, at 18:01:15
In reply to Re: On being bipolar., posted by Maynerd on November 2, 2005, at 20:42:20
We'll get to that place. Sun don't shine on the same dog's *ss every day.
Posted by phil on November 3, 2005, at 18:04:53
In reply to Re: On being bipolar., posted by Tabitha on November 3, 2005, at 0:48:46
I'd rather appear lazy, unmotivated, and chronically late than high, crazy, and slutty.
____There's a line I won't forget anytime soon. haha!!
Posted by rjlockhart98 on November 3, 2005, at 21:29:49
In reply to Re: On being bipolar. » Tabitha, posted by phil on November 3, 2005, at 18:04:53
When im hypomanic I feel good about myself, i feel good about everything. Its mild, but i can make it go EXTREME.
I have hypomania ultra cycling it happens almost in one day. Its starts around 6:30, im like alright its prime time! i get exited.
Klonopin doesnt really calm it down unless high doses like 5-6mg.
I can make myself go manic bymyself during the day. I feel good about everything. I love it.
But i do get depressed beyond reality at times.
Matt
Posted by rjlockhart98 on November 3, 2005, at 21:31:45
In reply to Re: On being bipolar., posted by rjlockhart98 on November 3, 2005, at 21:29:49
Posted by slinky on November 4, 2005, at 15:44:22
In reply to Re: hypomania is like turing up the heat! (nm), posted by rjlockhart98 on November 3, 2005, at 21:31:45
I'm a grumpy old woman burning of a mustache that the meds create..sometimes I swear I can hear it grow.
Posted by fairywings on November 4, 2005, at 18:53:12
In reply to Re: On being bipolar. » fairywings, posted by Phil on November 3, 2005, at 10:47:38
> It's almost like he's putting the ball in my court.
> It's like he's asking what I want to do but the only medical suggestion he's brought up has been vagus nerve stimulation. I'm not ready for that.No, that seems a bit extreme, esp. if the depression isn't critical, but is more of a problem with apathy and motivation.
> I'm just getting a little frustrated again. My depression isn't critical but I'm not exactly filled with hope for the future.
Have you seen other p-docs? Might be worth seeing someone who specializes in bi-polar, or at least getting another take on what can be done.
> We'll see. The tough part is that I start second guessing my own reality.
Oh, that would s*ck. I"m really sorry. I have had two times in my life where I felt overwhelmingly that way. My brother told me "you have to trust yourself. you have to trust your senses. trust what your eyes and ears are reallly seeing and hearing." It sounds so basic and so simplistic, but when things feel so unreal it helps to get grounded. That advice has helped me through so many tough times. That was about 20 years ago, I finally wrote him a letter expressing all the ways he'd helped me over the years - ways I was sure he wasn't aware of.
fw
Posted by zenhussy on November 4, 2005, at 20:43:24
In reply to Re: On being bipolar. » fairywings, posted by Phil on November 3, 2005, at 10:47:38
> It's almost like he's putting the ball in my court.
> It's like he's asking what I want to do but the only medical suggestion he's brought up has been vagus nerve stimulation. I'm not ready for that.unfortunately do not have link but either last week or this week someone on the meds board mentioned their doc suggested the VNS. there were presentations recently about the VNS (since approval) and maybe that's where your doc was and why he's bringing this up now.
get second, third and forth opinions.......keep going until you find someone you're able to work with and who is WILLING to work with you.
good luck Phil.
__zh
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.