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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on January 20, 2006, at 17:11:01
hi all,
I have a question for everyone. There are times when my friends get upset with someone and complain bitterly about that person. These can be trivial things, like being ticked off at a boss/co-worker. Or they could be more serious, as in someone who is extremely upset at a spouse, therapist, doctor, etc.Sometimes I AGREE with them that the person in question has screwed up, and I say things like, "You're right, he/she is a jerk, he/she is acting dumb, he/she is totally being an insensitive *explective deleted*." I commiserate and we both talk about how awful that person is acting.
But a few days later, my friend may have made up with the person in question, or forgiven them entirely, or decided to move on despite the pain. They are now singing the praises of the formerly bashed person.
Then I feel weird...will my friend think I'm fickle for agreeing that the person was a jerk, but now accepting that the person is no longer a jerk? Will my friend remember that I myself said bad things about that person, and hold a grudge? SHOULD I move on just as my friend has?
Relationships are strange that way, no?
How do you handle this kind of thing? Do you judge your friends if they agreed that your T/boyfriend/hubby/etc. was being a jerk...and said bad things about him/her?
JenStar
Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2006, at 17:54:34
In reply to agreeing w/ someone when they dis someone else?, posted by JenStar on January 20, 2006, at 17:11:01
Chuckle. I have a fairly strict rule about that. Based on volatile relationships of a few friends.
My rule is that I sympathize and empathize with how they're feeling. I'll talk about how I understand why they're angry with this or that. But then I end with something neutral or positive about the relationship.
I do violate that rule once and again. One of the people in one of those volatile relationship finally mentioned physical abuse. In fact such bad physical abuse that it resulted in her being unconscious in front of her kid. At that point I figured that being blunt was more important.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 17:56:06
In reply to agreeing w/ someone when they dis someone else?, posted by JenStar on January 20, 2006, at 17:11:01
Hey. Wow are you a mind reader or what?! This is something that I have been thinking about a fair bit recently.
> Sometimes I AGREE with them that the person in question has screwed up, and I say things like, "You're right, he/she is a jerk, he/she is acting dumb, he/she is totally being an insensitive *explective deleted*." I commiserate and we both talk about how awful that person is acting.
I guess I've decided not to do that anymore. I might agree that it sounds to me as though the person was insensitive with that remark, or something like that, but I don't join in the slinging match anymore.
Sometimes people get f*cked off with me. I think maybe some people think you have to join in the slinging match to be a real friend or something... But I do think it is possible to support someone while not being party to that kind of thing. But then again... Maybe not. I don't know. I'm sure some people can handle it.
> Then I feel weird...will my friend think I'm fickle for agreeing that the person was a jerk, but now accepting that the person is no longer a jerk? Will my friend remember that I myself said bad things about that person, and hold a grudge? SHOULD I move on just as my friend has?
I think it avoids that whole thing. And I don't have to worry about being fickle. And I don't feel like a backstabber. And... Its a courtesy I am trying to extend to non-friends too.
I think I'm going to lose friends over this one...
But...
If I'm going to lose them over that then I really need to ask myself... How much do they value my friendship and my personal boundaries?I know I've met a few people in my lifetime who refuse to partake in those kinds of conversations. I respected them a great deal for that. Because I appreciated... That they would never partake in that kind of conversation behind MY back. And really... I think those are the best friends at the end of the day.
Posted by Tabitha on January 21, 2006, at 11:08:53
In reply to agreeing w/ someone when they dis someone else?, posted by JenStar on January 20, 2006, at 17:11:01
Just try to accept their feelings without joining their judgement-- like "you seem really upset about it" or "I can understand why you'd be upset" or "that does sound pretty awful". Remember you're only getting part of the story anyway, so you can't really make a good judgement anyway. Then later when they're getting along with the person, "sounds like you've worked out your differences" or "you seem a lot less upset with him/her than you were last time we talked".
I find that joining somebody in their judgement only sets me up to feel frustrated later when they change their mind.
Posted by LegWarmers on January 21, 2006, at 15:30:02
In reply to agreeing w/ someone when they dis someone else?, posted by JenStar on January 20, 2006, at 17:11:01
These things are frustrating. For me when I am upset and I say things out of anger I do find that I wonder about what the other person said about that person, I wonder if they meant it, and if they really feel that way or if they were just trying to make me feel better, it seems that most people do this though....but I also feel terrible after I have sorted out the problem and realize that I badmouthed someone. So it goes both ways, Im sure the person that said the stuff is feeling pretty bad about it.
I try to stay away from saying things when people are upset, I find its important to keep 'my things' out of anothers fight/disagreement, I learned that the hard way. I definately can get caught up in the heat of the moment though!
Posted by JenStar on January 21, 2006, at 16:09:07
In reply to agreeing w/ someone when they dis someone else?, posted by JenStar on January 20, 2006, at 17:11:01
thanks to everyone for responding! I think I will be careful to criticize the action, not the person. That way I can still leave myself room to accept the person in the future, even if I am not happy with their actions.
Although, like Dinah pointed out, SOME transgressions (like spousal abuse) are completely unforgivable. In a case like that, I would be completely comfortable criticizing the person as well as the actions.
Dinah, I hope that friend will be OK.
thanks to everyone for your thoughts!
JenStar
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