![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 17:07:10
I think I've made a complete fool of myself writing about loving Bob, and about the scarf. :-(
I don't know why I couldn't control myself and just keep my thoughts to myself. Now it might be awkward meeting Bob and the others. What have I done? Every little idiotic thought that pops into my head I write about. Why can't I just keep things in like a normal person?
Please don't worry. I'm really quite inhibited in real life. I'm 99% sure I would never hug Bob or anyone else if they didn't want to be hugged.
I'm starting to feel the shame now, finally.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 17:14:13
In reply to I've made a complete fool of myself, posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 17:07:10
No one needs to reply to this post. I'm posting too much about myself as it is. Don't encourage me.
I need to help others out. Offer my support. I need to read more and yap less.
Deneb*
Posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 18:48:47
In reply to Re: I've made a complete fool of myself, posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 17:14:13
Deneb, you're in good company. Many of us here have made complete fools of ourselves here. I've done in in public, too, in real life. Said things and done things that just appalled me afterwards.
Here's the thing: what you've done hasn't actually harmed you, but your worry about it will. Don't waste your time on regrets about this -- learn from it and move on. I've said this before, and I'm sure I'll say it again (because I really like saying it): Until Mr Peabody shows up with his Way Back machine, there's nothing you can do about it. So don't worry about it.
Maybe we should start a thread for mortifying things we've all done, so you don't feel so alone in all this?
By the way, Deneb, it kinda sounds as though you're swinging down again. Are you still taking your medications as directed?
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 18:50:09
In reply to I've made a complete fool of myself, posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 17:07:10
> I think I've made a complete fool of myself writing about loving Bob, and about the scarf. :-(
I don't think you have made a 'complete fool' of yourself. Really. It was nice to see you feeling happy and stuff. I was a bit worried about where it might be headed. I remember in DBT group they were trying to teach us about emotion modulation. The point to that is that it isn't just about learning to modulate the negative emotions, but it was about learning to modulate the positive emotions too. Why? Because unmodulated positive emotion... Can lead to a crash. And so it is more about learning to modulate both extremes. It is hard work though :-(
> I don't know why I couldn't control myself and just keep my thoughts to myself.Because you were feeling really very happy. And it was so nice to see you feeling really very happy. It was. You deserve to be happy. You do. I'm sorry. I think I have done badly. Sometimes (when I'm in a good place) I think I can be helpful sometimes. Othertimes (when I'm in a bad place) I think I can be more hurtful than anything. And I'm sorry for that.
But I guess I do think that you should rethink trying to give him the scarf. Why? Because it does symbolise one hell of a lot. And hence because whether he accepts it or not; whether he keeps it or not; whether he wears it or not; all of that has a huge symbolic meaning for you too... And it means more to you than it does to him... And it is a huge thing to place onto another individual. I don't know. I'm sorry.
> Now it might be awkward meeting Bob and the others.
Lol. I think it would have been plenty awkward anyway. Really. I think you will find that everyone is going to be worried about themself... About how they are going to appear... People aren't going to be worried about you half as much as you are going to be worried about you. Really. I think it is okay Deneb. I'd love to meet you one day. Really.
> What have I done? Every little idiotic thought that pops into my head I write about. Why can't I just keep things in like a normal person?
Yeah okay so if you ever manage to figure that out then let me know, because I do exactly the same thing. Ok? I think other people do too... Maybe harder for us 'cause of the stuff we get to thinking about... I don't know. ((((Deneb))))
> Please don't worry. I'm really quite inhibited in real life. I'm 99% sure I would never hug Bob or anyone else if they didn't want to be hugged.Lol. I believe you. I'm really quite inhibited IRL too. If I ever got to a Babble party I think I'd be the one staring at the floor hardly saying a word. It is different on the boards where people can't look at you and you can't see their reactions and stuff. I understand. I say stuff here I'd never say IRL. Not even to people here.
> I'm starting to feel the shame now, finally.(((((Deneb))))) It is okay sweetie. I don't think you need to feel ashamed. And I'm sorry that you do. I know some people don't understand (some people post asking if they are the only ones who don't get this kind of thing going on). But other people... I think other people do understand. It is okay.
> I need to help others out. Offer my support. I need to read more and yap less.
Me too.
:-(
I'm sorry Deneb.
Posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 18:56:52
In reply to Join the Complete Babbling Fools Club » Deneb, posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 18:48:47
and balance...
it is about balance of course.
you do say a lot of helpful and supportive things to other people.
and sharing your experiences can help people feel less alone with theirs...
it is just the aims of the site...
support and education for one another.
to get into that... instead of worrying about bob too much (easier said than done methinks)
er...
regarding what you were talking about before (the instance of unfairness...)
you were doing an archive trawl, huh?
i think i know what particular instance you were talking about...sometimes he does miss things.
reading a post quickly etc... easy enough to miss an odd swear word.
and then someone else gets blocked for same / similar word.
and that does look unfair.
and that is probably the time to go post to admin (or via email) i got blocked for that word here and this other person didn't get blocked for that same word over there.
and i personally have faith things would be sorted at that point.
but some wouldn't.
have you been getting emails about this Deneb?
i'm wondering because i've had people try and convince me of the inherent unfairness in bob's decisions via email...
is that what is going on for you?
IMO what really made him unsympathetic... was the person assuming the worst (inherant unfairness) and going off about it.
going off...
tends to lead to someone getting blocked.
why?
maybe...
'cause it diverts the boards from their real purpose of supporting and educating one another.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 31, 2006, at 19:24:16
In reply to Re: I've made a complete fool of myself, posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 17:14:13
Sorry, but I can't fully comply with your request.
Encouraging others is a big part of my personal, spiritual philosophy for how to live my daily life, so I *won't* be encouraged not to do it! (I'm not yelling at you....just playing on words...;-)
I don't see your thoughts as idiotic. I don't think being *normal* equals keeping thoughts to yourself all the time. It can be unhealthy. Babble is a good place to let those thoughts out. I'm not worried or afraid of you.
Deneb, honestly, there is no reason for shame here. One way I define shame is intensely not wanting others to know something we've done, felt, etc. Because if they did....what? They will hate us? They will think we're stupid, weird, strange, scary, bad? And it's ever so important what they think, because if it's not nice, well, they won't want more *connection* with us, and we really do universally want and need that human connection.
Shame is probably necessary to help keep things right between humans - after all, shame over something truly awful and hurtful can be an appropriate response. It could motivate someone to ask forgiveness, to confess their responsibility, to make amends, to change their ways and turn away from doing bad things to others.
But misplaced shame can be awfully damaging when it takes over and drives our view of ourselves. You see that every day here from the awful pain some posters are in stemming from childhood events that still haunt them, full of shame that isn't even theirs as they were victims! It's a sad thing, the bad self-talk and how terrible that shame gets them feeling inside. For no reason at all... I don't want even a bit of that for you if it's going to be over understandable feelings toward Dr. Bob and over a scarf.
Consider this: you will be meeting me in Toronto, and I've read probably all of your threads ever since shygirl. I'd like to think we've grown and learned about each other together. Truth be told, you've shared a lot more because you have a fearlessness and candor I can't match. You've put yourself out there and just lived with the consequences. Point is, I can hold all that knowledge in my head about you, and still feel nothing but positive thoughts towards you. I can imagine us meeting and I *know* - I really do - that I will not be thinking ANY of the negative things you are afraid I could be thinking. I think you may find it's the same for other Babblers and for Dr. Bob, too.
First, past is past inthis situation, for me anyway. Staying in the moment when meeting people is helpful, as I can react and respond to what's happening, not to some script I've written based on a picture I've decided you painted from your posts here. Being openminded and really listening and paying attention in the moment is, I guess, what I'm describing.
So, in Toronto, if you were to say or do something so extreme I felt a comment or action was needed, well, I'd handle that decision then, as would anyone. But if it helps you to know this, my internal dialog won't be anything like, 'oh, here's Deneb, she's the one who_________. and said________." Nope. I'm not perfect, and of course I can be influenced by things you've shared, but I don't feel I've painted you into a corner and labelled you based on your history here. Hopefully, it will only help me understand certain things better. You *could* look at it as a relief, what we Babblers know about you. In my IRL interactions (though I'm getting braver) I'm often guarded and afraid to cross lines about mental health stuff, even though mostly, it would let my friends understand me better, treat me more kindly, etc. It's very confusing for them, because I'm an outgoing, talkative extovert in their eyes, who from time to time goes quiet, probably wears a strange look on my face, and mumbles, "oh, nevermind," when they ask whats' wrong. I can't bring myself to take the risk of sharing sometimes. Sadly, even here after two years, I self-censor possible threads I want to start in my head because I'm afraid they'll sound dumb or weird or boring or blah, blah...Well, you've already done it!
I'm very comfortable with IRL hugs. So feel free to give me one, Deneb. And if you're not and don't, that is *perfectly* fine, too. Don't underestimate the extent to which people can genuinely accept you, warts and all. We humans do rise up away from some of our less desireable qualities and do stuff like that, more often that you think.
Yap away when you need to - it's okay. Shame...be gone!
-- 10derHeart (looking forward to meeting you)
Posted by Phillipa on March 31, 2006, at 21:01:09
In reply to Re: fool of myself (long) » Deneb, posted by 10derHeart on March 31, 2006, at 19:24:16
Well I've met Wildcard IRL and it was great!!!! And her baby too. Love Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 22:07:13
In reply to Join the Complete Babbling Fools Club » Deneb, posted by Racer on March 31, 2006, at 18:48:47
> Deneb, you're in good company.
I'm glad I'm not alone. ;-)
I don't think any less of people here for revealing or writing things they later regret.
> Here's the thing: what you've done hasn't actually harmed you, but your worry about it will. Don't waste your time on regrets about this -- learn from it and move on.
I think I might be over it already. I think it was just a momentary dip in mood. I don't think I'm over the love for Bob thing yet.
> Maybe we should start a thread for mortifying things we've all done, so you don't feel so alone in all this?
That would be interesting, but not necessary. ;-) I get what you mean. I love you guys. :-) Thanks for suggesting that.
> By the way, Deneb, it kinda sounds as though you're swinging down again. Are you still taking your medications as directed?
It was just a moment, nothing to be worried about. I doubt it had anything to do with me skipping Wellbutrin yesterday. Thanks for caring.
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on March 31, 2006, at 22:11:46
In reply to Re: Join the Complete Babbling Fools Club » Racer, posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 22:07:13
Deneb you're doing it again. Stopping your meds. Now take your meds the way they were prescibed to be taken you're not the doc listen to him Love Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 22:32:39
In reply to Re: You are okay » Deneb, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 18:50:09
> The point to that is that it isn't just about learning to modulate the negative emotions, but it was about learning to modulate the positive emotions too. Why? Because unmodulated positive emotion... Can lead to a crash. And so it is more about learning to modulate both extremes. It is hard work though :-(
Yeah, I tend to feel things to the extreme, don't I? But...I don't know if I want to dampen the happen times. I'm convinced I can maintain a super happy mood without 'crashing'.
> Because you were feeling really very happy. And it was so nice to see you feeling really very happy. It was. You deserve to be happy. You do. I'm sorry. I think I have done badly.
(((((special k)))))) What makes you think you've done badly? You deserve to be happy too.
> Sometimes (when I'm in a good place) I think I can be helpful sometimes. Othertimes (when I'm in a bad place) I think I can be more hurtful than anything. And I'm sorry for that.
You didn't do anything to make me feel bad. ((((special k)))))
> But I guess I do think that you should rethink trying to give him the scarf. Why? Because it does symbolise one hell of a lot. And hence because whether he accepts it or not; whether he keeps it or not; whether he wears it or not; all of that has a huge symbolic meaning for you too... And it means more to you than it does to him... And it is a huge thing to place onto another individual. I don't know. I'm sorry.
I appreciate your opinion. I really do. I value it a lot. I really truly will think long and hard about the scarf thing.
> > Now it might be awkward meeting Bob and the others.
>
> Lol. I think it would have been plenty awkward anyway. Really. I think you will find that everyone is going to be worried about themself...I'm glad I got a laugh out of you. :-)
You're probably right. Everyone will be far too busy worrying about themselves to notice what I'm doing wrong. LOL
> I'd love to meet you one day. Really.
Me too. I really want to visit your part of the world one day. Maybe some day it could happen. :-)
> Lol. I believe you. I'm really quite inhibited IRL too. If I ever got to a Babble party I think I'd be the one staring at the floor hardly saying a word. It is different on the boards where people can't look at you and you can't see their reactions and stuff. I understand. I say stuff here I'd never say IRL. Not even to people here.
Me too. It's almost like I'm a different person on the boards, but I know that both are the real me.
> I don't think you need to feel ashamed. And I'm sorry that you do.
I think I'm over the shame now. (Boy, that was quick!) I think you guys really helped me out. :-) Thanks. There really is no good to come from me shaming myself. I don't want other people to feel shame if they did/do what I did/do with regards to the Bob thing.
> > I need to help others out. Offer my support. I need to read more and yap less.
>
> Me too.
>
> :-(Hey, you help lots of people! You're one of *the most* helpful persons on the board. You're a superstar. You're one of a kind, your name suits you. Special...you're truly special. :-)
I hope you feel better soon. I'm sending you some love.
Love~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>Love~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>Love
Lots of land~~~a whole heck of a lot of water~~~~~~special kDeneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 22:42:02
In reply to Re: Join the Complete Babbling Fools Club, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 18:56:52
> you do say a lot of helpful and supportive things to other people.
Not nearly as much as you do. :-)
I look up to you, you know? :-)
I'm learning how to be supportive. I don't get much practice in real life.
> support and education for one another.
>
> to get into that... instead of worrying about bob too much (easier said than done methinks)Yeah, I do focus on him too much sometimes. I should focus more on the posters.
> and that is probably the time to go post to admin (or via email) i got blocked for that word here and this other person didn't get blocked for that same word over there.
The thing is, I just don't like to bring attention to something that could get someone in trouble.
> have you been getting emails about this Deneb?
No, no e-mails. Just me and my insecure self.
> IMO what really made him unsympathetic... was the person assuming the worst (inherant unfairness) and going off about it.
Dr. Bob has written in the past that he tries his best to be fair and overcome any bias he has. I like to take his words to be true.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 23:05:06
In reply to Re: fool of myself (long) » Deneb, posted by 10derHeart on March 31, 2006, at 19:24:16
> Encouraging others is a big part of my personal, spiritual philosophy for how to live my daily life, so I *won't* be encouraged not to do it! (I'm not yelling at you....just playing on words...;-)
:-) I'm glad you wrote me this post. You made me feel a lot better. :-)
> I'm not worried or afraid of you.
That's good. I get worried about that sometimes.
> But misplaced shame can be awfully damaging when it takes over and drives our view of ourselves.
>I don't want even a bit of that for you if it's going to be over understandable feelings toward Dr. Bob and over a scarf.
You're right 10der. :-)
I'm over the shame now. Things have brightened up for me again (all because of you guys {{{{Babblers}}}}} ). I love Bob, and it's not a shameful thing because I didn't do anything wrong.
> Consider this: you will be meeting me in Toronto, and I've read probably all of your threads ever since shygirl. I'd like to think we've grown and learned about each other together.
I like to think of that too. I feel like I've really changed here on Babble. It seems like a long time for me. I feel like I'm slowly growing up on Babble.
> Truth be told, you've shared a lot more because you have a fearlessness and candor I can't match. You've put yourself out there and just lived with the consequences. Point is, I can hold all that knowledge in my head about you, and still feel nothing but positive thoughts towards you.
You don't know just how much that mean to me 10der! To know that you know all that bad stuff I did, and still like me. :-)
> I can imagine us meeting and I *know* - I really do - that I will not be thinking ANY of the negative things you are afraid I could be thinking. I think you may find it's the same for other Babblers and for Dr. Bob, too.
I think you're right. I think it'll be a wonderful experience.
> So, in Toronto, if you were to say or do something so extreme I felt a comment or action was needed, well, I'd handle that decision then, as would anyone.
I don't think I would say or do anything extreme, but I'm glad you won't freak out if I did. :-) (Like if I can't sleep and get homesick and have a little breakdown it will be okay right?)
> I don't feel I've painted you into a corner and labelled you based on your history here. Hopefully, it will only help me understand certain things better. You *could* look at it as a relief, what we Babblers know about you.
I'm glad that you know all my secrets and still accept me and like me.
> In my IRL interactions (though I'm getting braver) I'm often guarded and afraid to cross lines about mental health stuff, even though mostly, it would let my friends understand me better, treat me more kindly, etc.
Yeah, there's really no one/where to talk about mental health type stuff besides the pdoc and Babble.
> Sadly, even here after two years, I self-censor possible threads I want to start in my head because I'm afraid they'll sound dumb or weird or boring or blah, blah...Well, you've already done it!
{{{{{10derHeart}}}}}}} I would never think anything you wrote was dumb or weird or boring.
> I'm very comfortable with IRL hugs. So feel free to give me one, Deneb. And if you're not and don't, that is *perfectly* fine, too.
I can't wait to give you a hug in real life. :-) Larry too. :-)
Deneb*
Posted by gardenergirl on April 1, 2006, at 18:43:26
In reply to Re: Join the Complete Babbling Fools Club, posted by special_k on March 31, 2006, at 18:56:52
> > regarding what you were talking about before (the instance of unfairness...)
> you were doing an archive trawl, huh?
> i think i know what particular instance you were talking about...I don't know if I'm thinking of the same thing, but I noticed something much later, too. And I do know that when something gets overlooked, he tends not to go back to sanction it later. He seems to prefer to move forward. That may be why it's gone without a PBC or some other action, since it was clearly overlooked. Assuming I'm thinking of the same thing. But the idea that Dr. Bob seems to prefer to move forward versus look back may apply even if we're thinking of different posts.
He's been working on a "notify adminstrator about this post" button. I would imagine that something like that might help decrease things being overlooked if they are upsetting to some.
gg
Posted by Kath on April 2, 2006, at 20:33:45
In reply to I've made a complete fool of myself, posted by Deneb on March 31, 2006, at 17:07:10
Hey Deneb - I've heard that Shame is a useless emotion. It serves no purpose other than making a person feel bad.
Learn from things, then LET GO - let it all fly up into the air like a balloon with helium in it.
(((((You)))))
Kadh
Posted by Racer on April 2, 2006, at 20:48:39
In reply to Re: I've made a complete fool of myself » Deneb, posted by Kath on April 2, 2006, at 20:33:45
Posted by Kath on April 2, 2006, at 20:54:47
In reply to Hey! Good to see you! (nm) » Kath, posted by Racer on April 2, 2006, at 20:48:39
Hi Racer - good to hear from you too. I actually posted quite a few over the last few hours.
I hardly 'know' anyone here anymore. "Here", meaning at Babble.
I live not far from Toronto, so tried to get a little involved in the Toronto birthday party thing, but realized that I don't know anyone.
I hope you're doing well.
:-)) Kath
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.