![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cloudydaze on June 25, 2006, at 21:50:08
I've had a wide variety of psychological, physical and family problems for a long time now...
My main psychological issues are bipolar disorder and social & General Anxiety...which i think is connected to the Bipolar anyway..
I have major self esteem issues, and sometimes experience sheer terror being out in public. Lately, I feel like I'm trapped inside my house. There are things i want to go out and do, but i don't because i am not able to enjoy myself anymore due to extreme anxiety about being in public. It's like paranoia.
My biggest problem is not even directly related to any psychological disorder...or perhaps it is? I don't know.
I had my daughter when I was 16 - my boyfriend fled the state when I was pregnant, and I never saw him again. Now she's 6 years old. I love her very much, but sometimes I wonder if i've got what it takes to be a good mom, with all my problems.
I made the decision to keep my daughter because I wanted to take responsibility for my actions. Some of my family thought it was a better idea if i giver her up for adoption, and my boyfriend tried to pressure me to have an abortion before he fled. I couldn't do that. It hurt me to even think about it. Is it possible to love a fetus? I thought so - i still do. At 16, i loved my unborn, "illegitimate" child. I don't know if it was the best decision, but it was my decision.
The problem is, 6 years later, I'm still having trouble adjusting. I am confused, really, as to what my role is in life. Yes, I am a mother, but I'm also 23, a college student, and many other things. Part of me feels like I should be a normal 23 year old, and the other part knows that I CAN'T because I'm a mom.
I don't fit in with adults, and I don't fit in with kids. I don't even fit in with other parents my age. I feel alone.
I think part of the reason i have social anxiety is because of this. I don't want to go out and get drunk every weekend with the rest of the college students, but at the same time, it would be nice to relate to SOMEONE...
On top of it all, the same phenomenon happens when i'm with my family. I just don't fit in. I've become the new family reject. Some members of my family don't agree with my parenting style, so they assume I'm a horrible parent. My daughter is healthy and happy, and she's never been critically injured, beaten, or mentally abused. I don't think i'm a bad parent - my child is thriving. But, when I get together with certain members of my family, I can't seem to do anything right.
I've started avoiding family activities where this seems to happen. But the worst part is that my own mother treats me the same way oftentimes, and I can't avoid her - i live with her. In fact, part of my confusion come from my mom's behavior.
You see, she tends to pretend she's my daughter's mom instead of the grandma. She used to claim it's because I wouldn't be a parent, so she had to.
This is so far from the truth. She likes to yell at my daughter for things I would just ignore. I believe that some bad behavior can be modified my just ignoring it. She doesn't seem to believe in that approach, and she sees my parenting style as "non-parenting". She thinks the same thing when I try to give my daughter more independence.
So basically, if I don't play with my daughter 24/7, and do everything for her, I'm a bad mom.
If I make my daughter bathe herself, clean up her own room, play quietly by herself, or encourage her to get dressed by herself in the morning, I'm neglectful!
my mom sees my daughter as a burden. She rarely wants to spend any time with her, because she doesn't want to "act like the mom" but she "acts like the mom" when I clearly don't want her to, or need her to. This really makes me sad.
My mom also suffers from depression and Co-dependency...she has her share of probs.
Sometimes I wonder if I am a horrible parent, and I just don't see it? My father tells me he's proud of me, and that I'm a good mommy (and he was one of my fam that was crushed when I got pregnant, and wanted me to give up my daughter).
I don't know if any of this makes any sense...i tend to ramble. I need help.
Posted by TexasChic on June 27, 2006, at 15:48:28
In reply to Need support/help/ideas/whatever, posted by cloudydaze on June 25, 2006, at 21:50:08
You're making perfect sense and its clear that you're in a no win situation. Unless you think your mom would be open to going to couseling about this, you really need to get away from her or its going to make you crazy. There's no reason to doubt you're being a good mom, and the people that say stuff like that are doing so because of their own insecurities. Putting you down makes them feel better.
This is such a toxic environment for you and your daughter. Do you have a woman's center or shelter in your area? They can counsel you and help you get out on your own. It should be in the phonebook. You don't have to be abused to get help from them, although in reality, you are being verbally and mentally abused. You don't have to put up with it.
Can your Dad help you at all? Or is there help for single mothers at your college? There's places to get help for someone in your position, you just have to search them out.
I know the unknown is alot scarier than the present. But if you get out from under all that negativity, I think you will be surprised how much better you feel. You'll be saying, I can't believe I didn't do this sooner!
Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. You deserve to be happy. Some of us just have to work harder for it than others.
-T
Posted by cloudydaze on June 27, 2006, at 18:28:07
In reply to Re: Need support/help/ideas/whatever » cloudydaze, posted by TexasChic on June 27, 2006, at 15:48:28
> You're making perfect sense and its clear that you're in a no win situation. Unless you think your mom would be open to going to couseling about this, you really need to get away from her or its going to make you crazy. There's no reason to doubt you're being a good mom, and the people that say stuff like that are doing so because of their own insecurities. Putting you down makes them feel better.
>
> This is such a toxic environment for you and your daughter. Do you have a woman's center or shelter in your area? They can counsel you and help you get out on your own. It should be in the phonebook. You don't have to be abused to get help from them, although in reality, you are being verbally and mentally abused. You don't have to put up with it.
>
> Can your Dad help you at all? Or is there help for single mothers at your college? There's places to get help for someone in your position, you just have to search them out.
>
> I know the unknown is alot scarier than the present. But if you get out from under all that negativity, I think you will be surprised how much better you feel. You'll be saying, I can't believe I didn't do this sooner!
>
> Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. You deserve to be happy. Some of us just have to work harder for it than others.
>
> -TYeah, i know i need to get out as soon as i can. Problem is, I just don't have the financial means necessary to do that! I will graduate college in a year, and if I want I job, I will have to move anyway - because there are no jobs for designers here, unless I want to work in a print shop, and I don't.
I just feel so trapped. I've felt this way for a long long time now. I can't get out, at least not now. I just wish I was able to feel some pleasure in life, but right now, I don't enjoy anything, and it's hard for me to live that way.
My mom just came home and made me feel guilty for being depressed! Usually the first thing that comes out of her mouth is negative (actually most of the things that come out of her mouth are negative)...
But right now my main problem is this funk that i'm in...I haven't had a really bad depressive episode in awhile, but apparently I am now. I'm thinking that's why I've lost the ability to enjoy pretty much ANYTHING...even things i used to enjoy. This is a problem. If it continues, I'll get worse and just become totally non-functional. I really really don't want to have to take medication again. I've been off meds for a year now, and i was doing fine.
Could it be that I'm just bored? Do people really get this depressed from boredom? I should have taken summer classes.
Posted by TexasChic on June 27, 2006, at 19:13:33
In reply to Re: Need support/help/ideas/whatever, posted by cloudydaze on June 27, 2006, at 18:28:07
Well, lets see, you're stuck somewhere you don't want to be, with nothing but negative remarks thrown at you, and you feel trapped. That's why you're depressed and why you can't enjoy anything.
Are you seeing a therapist? That's really the most important thing you could do right now. A therapist can help you understand your feelings and give you advice. If you can't move out, you at least need someone to help you deal with your mom.You could probably find one at your school, or through a woman's center.
I've been in a situation where I lived with my mom and she only made negative comments too. I thought I was loosing my mind at one point. My therapist helped me get through that period, but more importantly helped me get the self esteem to move out.
I hope you'll see about getting one. If not for you, for your daughter. She is probably being effected by all this negativity too.
One thing that took me a long time to learn was just because she's your mom, doesn't mean you have to do what she says. You're an adult and you're responsible for your life, not her.
-T
Posted by cloudydaze on June 28, 2006, at 13:01:06
In reply to Re: Need support/help/ideas/whatever » cloudydaze, posted by TexasChic on June 27, 2006, at 19:13:33
> Well, lets see, you're stuck somewhere you don't want to be, with nothing but negative remarks thrown at you, and you feel trapped. That's why you're depressed and why you can't enjoy anything.
>
> Are you seeing a therapist? That's really the most important thing you could do right now. A therapist can help you understand your feelings and give you advice. If you can't move out, you at least need someone to help you deal with your mom.You could probably find one at your school, or through a woman's center.
>
> I've been in a situation where I lived with my mom and she only made negative comments too. I thought I was loosing my mind at one point. My therapist helped me get through that period, but more importantly helped me get the self esteem to move out.
>
> I hope you'll see about getting one. If not for you, for your daughter. She is probably being effected by all this negativity too.
>
> One thing that took me a long time to learn was just because she's your mom, doesn't mean you have to do what she says. You're an adult and you're responsible for your life, not her.
>
> -T
>I've never been able to find a therapist that worked for me. I had one years ago that I really liked, but she got another job (or a promotion maybe) and stopped seeing patients. She was the ONLY therapist I've ever had that I felt actually cared and listened to me. Maybe it's time to search again.
I went to the women's center for awhile to deal with being sexually abused as a child. It didn't seem to help much. In fact, talking about it after so long made me feel worse...
I almost went back there after being sexually assulted by a stranger a few years ago...but then i figured that it would only bring me more heartache.
it's amazing what i can block out, actually. I think maybe that's why i remember very little of my life. Defense mechanism.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.