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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
- OK, you can stop the applause already...
I think my short experience as deputy forever changed the way I see Babble. I really wasn't ready for it, and I kind of wish that I didn't do it. Darned intuitive thoughts kept getting crushed under as I thought that it would be "good for me". Well, it turns out I'm a tender, tender cookie. Passing remarks about deputies, and off-board communications about my role undermined my precarious hold on self confidence.
I don't think I failed so much as realized where my boundaries were. Most of my triggers are based upon how I perceive others' views of me. There is also the issue of increasing responsibility as Dr Bob spends less and less time actively participating on the board. Remaining objective in the role of deputy and also participating as a poster created an internal conflict that had to be resolved.
I found that I no longer felt that I could express myself freely. Was I posting as a deputy, and offering opinions that could be construed as policy? Was I posting as a mentally ill member in crisis - and did this take away from my ability to act responsibly as a deputy? All of these conflicts were internal. Only one person ever voiced their opinion to me as to what I should do. I was judged unfit to be a deputy in their eyes. In the end, I couldn't come to an acceptable compromise. The value of Babble to me as a poster far outweighed what I felt I could contribute as a deputy.
So I resigned. And then I changed my name. Choosing another posting name disrupted any continuity I might have had going forward. It's kind of like starting anew, except that I have all this baggage, see, and it's heavy, dragging it along as Scratchpad and not as ClearSkies, or Partlycloudy, or even Rainyday. Those women are gone, long gone. What's left is cracked, slightly chipped, and well worn.
sp
Posted by karen_kay on March 14, 2007, at 9:19:11
In reply to I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
you'll always be clear skies to me my dear. my opinion of you has always been the same. here goes:
you're one of the kindest, most thoughtful posters i've run into here. actually, i've had the pleasure of running into here. name changes adn deputie positions aside, you've been the same person to me the whole time. one of the most kindest persons i've been in contact with. (and may i tell you a secret? in my mind, you rank up there with dinah. yowsa, wowsa, that's something there dear. if you don't know, she's my babble mentor. poised, intelligent, well mannered, thoughtful, civil, all round perfection! actually, someone i wish to be more like. so, there's my opinion of you darling.) and please stop with the quietness already. i've had enough of that you little sp! you are very missed and loved by many!
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 9:39:26
In reply to sexie pie,, posted by karen_kay on March 14, 2007, at 9:19:11
Thank you, kk.
I barely recognize myself, but I certainly enjoy your view of me. :)
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 9:51:37
In reply to I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
Certainly you know that I understand completely what you're saying, and it's a very real problem with the role as it has evolved, and no weakness on your part.
I'm sorry it continues to affect your relationship with Babble though. :(
Maybe the best thing is to just dive in and do it anyway, even if you don't really *feel* it in the moment. I think I struggle to keep a relationship with Babble in that way sometimes. And it helps.
I believe in you, and in your relationship with Babblers. I think those relationships will help you re-establish your relationship with the board itself if you force yourself (initially) to be open to the possibility.
And I doubt there are many people at all who aren't fond of Partlycloudy, or Clearskies, or Scratchpad, or that will hold your tenure as deputy against you. I think you could probably use any name you feel comfortable using.
IMO, those women aren't gone. Battered, maybe, and alienated by the experience maybe, but not gone. Nurture them and they will recover. Or at least that's my opinion.
Posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 10:51:37
In reply to sexie pie,, posted by karen_kay on March 14, 2007, at 9:19:11
You're the sweetest, KK. I'm sure you've been told how you were missed from here while you were out having a Life (how dare you!). I'm oh so happy to see you here.
And a few happy tears are welcome today.
sp
Posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 10:54:18
In reply to Re: I have been relatively quiet lately » scratchpad, posted by Dinah on March 14, 2007, at 9:51:37
Thanks, Dinah, for your kind words.
I'm working towards re-opening myself to the good work we do for each other here. It's such an enriching part of my life.sp
Posted by Phillipa on March 14, 2007, at 10:59:08
In reply to Re: I have been relatively quiet lately » Dinah, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 10:54:18
To me you're a very sweet caring person. And the role of deputy is too heavey a burden to carry when you have your own issues. At least that's the way I see it. I think you're a wonderful person . Love Phillipa
Posted by Toph on March 14, 2007, at 19:34:14
In reply to I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
sp,
I don't hang around much anymore, hell, I didn't even know you changed your name. I read your post with interest, and since I don't know why you are being kind of hard on yourself, I guess I'll just say that you sound so humble and insightful that it's hard for me to imagine you being anything but a fair deputy. I'll just add that the two times I have had the pleasure of spending time with you in person, you have been wonderfully kind, accepting and patient with me. I wish you the best.
Toph
Posted by Daisym on March 18, 2007, at 0:14:53
In reply to I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
I still think highly of you and look for your posts/replies. I rarely wander over here, so I hope you wander over to "my" board occasionally. And we are going to hook up soon, right? Or did I just dream that?
I think your self-assessment of your limits is very mature and very even-handed. I wish more people could verbalize their inner conflicts as well. It helps us all see what a struggle it must have been for you. I wish I'd known and been more help. But I'm glad you didn't just go away. We need you here.
Take good care of all those women, and yourself too.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 18, 2007, at 21:58:25
In reply to I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
Your sharing is so bravely honest and real. I have always admired you. did you know that? yes, you are a tender wonderful woman with many names but one constant and true heart. Sorry I haven't been around to support you during this trial. Wish I had been.
Your friend
Jai Narayan
Posted by Kath on March 19, 2007, at 11:04:08
In reply to Re: quiet lately » scratchpad, posted by Toph on March 14, 2007, at 19:34:14
> I'll just add that the two times I have had the pleasure of spending time with you in person, you have been wonderfully kind, accepting and patient with me. I wish you the best.
> TophIt would be SO nice to be able to see folks in person!
Kath
Posted by Kath on March 19, 2007, at 11:11:09
In reply to I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
Dear Sp,
I'm so sorry this has been such a wrenching experience & so hard on you.
I'm really glad you were so bravely candid!
I have always felt admiration & affection for you & still do.
I suspect that as you post (if you feel up to it), & the more mileage that goes by, the better you'll feel.
I know that if I feel I've been 'judged & found wanting' even by one person, it takes time for me to feel comfortable again. It's probably long gone from everyone else's mind, but for me, it's there for a while. It'll go, Scratchpad.
Thanks for still being here.
((((((((((((((((((((SP)))))))))))))))))))))))
luv, Kath
Posted by AuntieMel on March 21, 2007, at 8:24:25
In reply to I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
I know what you mean.
It seems that lately every word I typed is parsed. More than I can handle, that's for sure.
It's not thin skin on my part. It's just my tendency to say what I think. Sometimes it doesn't come out quite right and it seems lately the worse interpretation is assumed.
It's a lot easier to just stay quiet.
Posted by Dinah on March 21, 2007, at 10:28:53
In reply to Re: I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by AuntieMel on March 21, 2007, at 8:24:25
Posted by scratchpad on March 21, 2007, at 11:10:23
In reply to Re: I have been relatively quiet lately, posted by AuntieMel on March 21, 2007, at 8:24:25
> It's a lot easier to just stay quiet.
Yes, but we worry where you've gone!
((((AuntieMel))))
This is the end of the thread.
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