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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on May 8, 2007, at 4:58:09
It's late here but I can't sleep.
What do I do when I feel my children .. no.
What do I do when I feel my children will be better off w/o me?
Don't talk of my selfishness 'in the manner always spoken of', but instead try to understand how I feel.
There is selfishness in taking from them, one in particular, the same one most all the time, the other two keep out of reach somehow.
So I take her .. very ltd time, her feelings of happiness when I call expressing my unhappiness, her freedom to feel she could move a thousand miles away from me, and, yes, even money.
Tonight she expressed her sadness w/ the manner I've spoken to her and acted towards her lately.
It hurts to hear her hurting because of my mouth and my actions.
The more 'my family of origin' pushes me away or imparts awful suggestions, the downer I go. I'm vulnerable.
I seem to have pulled my innocent daughter down w/ me. She tried to reach my fam of origin in an email and the responses weren't nice, directed at me, but hurting her badly.
Now, the one who has helped me the most is hurting by not only me, but by them also.
Did they know this would happen, come between us, causing more sadness for me, making me feel the need 'to attack' and then they can again point out how unworthy I am?
No one hurts my children w/o going through me first. There was a time, I would roar like a lion and it would be settled!
But, I've become intimidated by awful suggestions coming from them and derogatory remarks about me. I'm being left speechless, like a little mouse. Not me! I've lost me.
They are four and my m*ther. They invalidate and say suggestive things that eat away at me.
Yes, I love them. My heart is too big. No. I can't put up a wall around my heart. I've never been able to do so.
My mother sounds cold and doesn't say a word when one of the others criticizes me. It's validating 'her'. I feel she wants nothing more to do with me and wishes to pawn me off on my children.
No, my children cannot be w/ me often, and they are not allowed to take care of me. I won't let it happen. Anyway, I don't need to be cared for, like a child.
I only need some phone calls and some love.
Is this about 'my father and I being closer' to one another than any of the other 'five'? Or, is this about my sibs not receiving full inheritances, maybe having to give up a little bit for me? Is it about a family in total denial? Is it just plain selfishness?
My children are all very very busy, successful your adults.
I'm running out, and not just of ideas. Strength, hope.
There is a big empty place where my Dad, Mother and siblings, used to live, in my heart. Upon returning from Dad's funeral, I reached towards my mother for comfort and she pushed me backwards, saying 'I'm not Dad'.
Can someone make some sense for me pls?
5f
Posted by karen_kay on May 8, 2007, at 6:24:44
In reply to Anybody there?, posted by Fivefires on May 8, 2007, at 4:58:09
families are hard to make sense of dear. i can't make sense of my own. i fear, even if i could, i wouldn't want to. i think it best to keep them one of the seven natural wonders, you know? that's one of the reasons i refer to my mother as the tornado. she's a mystery of nature. she comes into my house, blows through each room, leaving a mess, and leaves everyone wondering 'what the hell just happened? did a tornado strike?' we're all left breathless, and our house is a mess (ok, i can't really blame that on her, but i'd like to...)
but, i know i still worry about her. and i know i wouldn't be better off without her. and i know i love my mother very much.
families are a complicated thing. i think we are put with these people for a reason. whether to punish (ha ha) for a former life (again ha ha), to learn a lesson, to teach ourselves something, or just to constantly wonder 'why was i put into this family? what did i do wrong?'
maybe god is just cruel?
hang in there sweetheart. things will get better. and you've got plenty of eyes listening here, who understand.
take very good care of yourself, got it? that's an order, not a question (though there is a question mark.).
kk
Posted by Fivefires on May 8, 2007, at 21:11:21
In reply to 5f,, posted by karen_kay on May 8, 2007, at 6:24:44
Tks kk.
I like the analogy to seven natural wonders.
Back to me ... w/o them ... I'm trying as hard as I can, to take care of me.
Back and forth ... I wonder ... how can they .. how can she ... I wonder.
I'll do my best to follow your orders cap'!
5f
Posted by scratchpad on May 8, 2007, at 21:51:07
In reply to Re: 5f,, posted by Fivefires on May 8, 2007, at 21:11:21
Families.... I live so far from them, yet I wonder if I could survive living closer. It has been a real learning experience to marry into this family where children call each other every day, just to talk; they also call their parents; parent call their own parents; all without a single crisis to deal with. This is just how they keep in touch.
It's pure magic for me to watch!
I know my husband expects the same of my family when the phone rings: caller ID indicates it's my mom or sister on the line, and I'm huddling behind a sofa, or waving my hands while mouthing "I'm not here!!". He hasn't grasped that facet of our communication style, and it can make facing an afternoon of bamboo splints being inserted under our own fingernails as a more pleasant alternative experience.
I try to choose my family moments carefully, and fully expect NOTHING from th encounter. This way, they never fail to deliver.
Scratchpad
Posted by Phillipa on May 8, 2007, at 22:54:57
In reply to Re: 5f, » Fivefires, posted by scratchpad on May 8, 2007, at 21:51:07
I'd rather e-mail mine as they always call if they do at dinner time. Love Phillipa ps I like my distance.
Posted by Fivefires on May 8, 2007, at 23:12:25
In reply to Re: 5f, » Fivefires, posted by scratchpad on May 8, 2007, at 21:51:07
But the thing is, scratchpad, I love them all sooo much. I pray all the time they will understand my dilemna. I pray one will call me and ask 'how are you'. I miss 'what I thought were my best friends'.
I feel ignorant.
I can't harden my heart; the tears begin to spill and I curl into the fetal position.
I can't stop reaching for them, as I did before Dad passed, and more since.
It feels like they want to 'divorce me' because I am nonproductive or there is nothing valuable about me.
I liken it to *ush sending us into war and spending $ to create better lives for these people there, because there is 'oil' at stake.
The 'people are valuable because there is something around them which is valuable'.(?)
And the people from Mexico; we won't let them come here w/o restrictions and processes, and we're making those here feel unworthy and leaving them fearing the unknown. I think it is because they have no 'financial benefit' to our country.
This isn't kind. This isn't good.
5f
Posted by Fivefires on May 9, 2007, at 19:43:18
In reply to Re: 5f, » scratchpad, posted by Phillipa on May 8, 2007, at 22:54:57
We're all different aren't we.
Some of us don't want them to call.
Some wish they would call.
I'm just so lonely.
5f
This is the end of the thread.
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