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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on November 19, 2007, at 13:49:32
I have a lot of love in me, for people who have been w/ me in my life, and they loved my love. (Past tense) Somehow I've gotten to this point where all of these people have found another love and abandoned mine. I've tried to rekindle our love, but they don't seem to need it anymore.
So, what do I do w/ all this love bottled up inside me? I sometimes wish it would burst out and be gone and I could honestly say I DON'T DAMN! I've tried, and as good as I am at acting, this is one I can't pull off.
Is this much love bad? I still attempt to make it clear to those I love that I miss our love. I mostly speak of my family, friends, sig-others, people I've spent years and years living with.
I deliberately didn't post this on religion or grief because those aren't the answers I don't see. Believe me, I see the first one. I did lose a great love recently and it was compared by my mother to another loss and she said it wasn't a deep grief. I'm wise enough to know another cannot judge the depth of another's grief, so I didn't reply. Had I, I'd receive an onslaught of hate mail from all siblings.
So, here on social, plain and simple, straight forward, how does a person full of LOVE TO GIVE keep going when no one wants it or those that once did, stopped?
If you tell me to love myself, beep, wrong answer. I practice loving myself to the fullest extent able w/ the tools I have to do so.
I can't fill this hole w/ 'volunteer to love those less fortunate' until I understand how to live w/o loving and receiving love w/ those I've spent decades with; fam/friends/sig-others. I need to make peace with this first!
So I guess there are two questions here.
1) How do we stop loving those we've loved for so long whom no longer want our love?
2) How do we release all this bottled up love, which is supposedly altered by experiences of its being unreturned, therefore, love w/o complete trust, ... I guess??? This is where it gets tricky. Ya' see, strangely enough; I don't have a clue why/how the love in me remains as strong and as passionate as it ever was. Maybe those lessons about 'trusting' were taught on the days I skipped school, sts.
tks4nsight, 5f
Posted by ClearSkies on November 19, 2007, at 14:04:19
In reply to How Do We Live Without Love?, posted by Fivefires on November 19, 2007, at 13:49:32
I don't think that we stop loving those who aren't able to give it back to us, or who can't show us love. We keep on giving, as it's in our nature to show love, to love outwards, as it were.
Loving and expecting to be loved in return in kind is where it gets sticky and where we get in trouble. I love my siblings, but I can't expect them to show me their love in the same way I do. One sib is a joker, so he won't speak seriously of any emotion. Another sib is so emotionally fragile that we're forced to keep our relationship light and superficial, all shopping trips and sipping lattes. Any hugs or declarations of love are too bare faced and raw for it to be comfortable for them.
The trick is to be comfortable with what they are able to give, and to see it for what it is: it is still love. It may not be the love we want or the love we think we need, but it's what they have to give us. So when my one sib makes a sly joke or a bad pun, he's saying that he loves me. When my sib says she wants to go to the outlet mall with me and we stop at Starbucks on the way, she's saying she loves me. Each in their own way. That's what I'm hearing, anyway.
Does this help?
ClearSkies
Posted by Fivefires on November 19, 2007, at 14:26:32
In reply to Re: How Do We Live Without Love? » Fivefires, posted by ClearSkies on November 19, 2007, at 14:04:19
I understand the premise, but it's gone a little too far in my situation.
Needed go home and was told no don't come.
Sisters came near to me, Vegas, and did not invite me.
Deep cuts.
tks though CS, 5f
Posted by ClearSkies on November 19, 2007, at 15:25:37
In reply to Re: How Do We Live Without Love?, posted by Fivefires on November 19, 2007, at 14:26:32
That sounds more like you are being shut out or that the "rules" have been changed. Perhaps it takes patience? Perhaps there has been some perceived slight that they are still smarting from? I do know, however, that relationships don't go backwards; that we can't get back to where we once were, especially if there has been some rough patches along the way. Families, in particular, don't forget easily. And while I wish fervently that there had been family therapy available when we were all going through traumatic periods so long ago, we each have tried to heal and deal with the hurts in the only ways we knew. And now, it's up to us individually to do the growing and healing, instead of collectively as a family.
That's where I'm coming from, anyways. I'd love to be able to talk to my family easily and honestly about many issues, past and present; but they have their own problems that prevent them from being able to do so. And it's not my role to be the "family healer" - I have enough just trying to heal my own hurts.
I'm sorry that you're hurting, 5F.
ClearSkies
Posted by rskontos on November 19, 2007, at 15:53:09
In reply to Re: How Do We Live Without Love? » Fivefires, posted by ClearSkies on November 19, 2007, at 15:25:37
5F, I am not sure you can mend it. YOu can't stop the loving because loves grows where it grows. You will have to learn to live with I think. I too have a sister that moved without telling me where. I only know by chance not because she told me. She cut me out of her life for reasons only known to her. That is her choice one I must live with so I do. I can only put my feelings aside for now. It is all I have to do.
You must put your love for them aside symbolically. You can't change it but you have to learn to live with the choices they made. You cannot change the events that led them to this decision nor can you make yourself feel bad for what happened. Sometimes life get messy and there is no one to blame it just is. Like Clear Skies you can't heal them only yourself. The fact you still love them is positive. You have not become bitter or upset is good. So go on loving them and you will find some one else to love that is nearby and wants to return it. I feel that will happen because you have been through some bad times and emerged with love intact and that is saying alot. Give yourself credit for that. You are strong and someone else soon will see all your wonderful strengths and beauty and value it. Give it time. rk
Posted by Fivefires on November 19, 2007, at 18:58:36
In reply to Re: How Do We Live Without Love?, posted by rskontos on November 19, 2007, at 15:53:09
Had to stay offline to await a once-agained unreturned call from this damn 'system'.
It could have been my father I guess.
This is when it began, when his back was literally turned forever. We were very close.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on November 20, 2007, at 0:44:50
In reply to Re: How Do We Live Without Love?, posted by Fivefires on November 19, 2007, at 18:58:36
Five Fires you can still love them if they chose not to return it just open your heart and understand that they may have perceived something different. My kids never phone either. When they want something is when I hear from them. They have their own lives. My sister and I have not spoken in years. And yes it does hurt especially when I'm e-mailing with her Daughter and know she's there. I don't know what the answer is either. Love Phillipa
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