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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 9:58:27
I will NOT cook again. NOT doing this next year. NOT subjecting myself to being the slave to an entire family of do-nothings who drink all afternoon while I soberly prepare the meal in the kitchen. I want no part of this celebration ever again. So much anger in me right now, it feels like poison. And hurt, and I feel so stupid for thinking I could change how I feel by putting out a stupid jigsaw puzzle on a table. What a chump. No wonder I was running for the Xanax last year - I don't want to be with these people!!! I think I will go volunteer at a soup kitchen and let them do whatever they want without me. They might miss the cooking, but I know that I'm not willing to go down this road ever again.
Stepdaughter was a spectacle. Chatty-Cathy, all talking non-stop, a mile a minute, then passed out the next on the sofa. Then woke up, shivering to the bone. Then a quick trip to the bathroom for a repeat performance. I want nothing of that, either. She can fall apart on someone else's doorstep. Flu, my *ss.
And last night my poor father in law had to go to the hospital with prostate problems (((((FIL))))). So today is a gruesome cleanup day, and a worry while his condition is stabilized.
Where is that universal remote with the fast forward button?
Posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 11:31:05
In reply to What a turkey of a Thanksgiving, posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 9:58:27
Harboring so much resentment during a holiday that supposed to be so full of thanksgiving. I got it all wrong this year.
So let me look for the light in the midst of my storm:
I didn't drink, didn't even consider sneaking off and hiding one, or getting high, or taking more pills than I was prescribed.
Dinner was fine.
The dishes were cleaned for me after dinner.
The jigsaw puzzle took all day to complete, and saw a diversion for me from my self-appointed duties.
My FIL will be released after being kept overnight tonight for observation.
Thanksgiving meal leftovers.What I want to give away from this year's Thanksgiving: my anger. My level of contribution - it's vastly out of proportion to the rest of the celebrants, and I definitely took it all upon myself to do, nobody ever asked me to knock myself out the way I've been doing. I want to be able to kick back and loll around on the sofa like everyone else in the house is doing. (Where will the meal come from, then? Got me - but it won't be from my efforts on the day, that's for certain.)
I'm so ashamed for feeling this resentment and anger. I'm so angry with my husband for being so passive - he's like this black hole of passivity. Any anger that I might cast his way just gets completely swallowed up in his refusal to rebuke or rebut. Instead, he tells me to relax and take it easy, which only angers me more.
Lots of fodder for therapy.
Posted by Phillipa on November 23, 2007, at 12:06:32
In reply to And I feel so ungrateful, posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 11:31:05
I think we all picture Donna Reed with the apron and the smiling faces. We went to my Daughter's friends and they all had 2 bottles of wine each before food and they didn't eat lucky didn't do the cooking. We left in about two hours home to post for ebay and they kept drinking and I bet a lot of others didn't have that picture perfect holiday meal either. But seems you've put things in perspective, accepted , and are moving on and so glad FIL is okay. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on November 23, 2007, at 12:38:39
In reply to What a turkey of a Thanksgiving, posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 9:58:27
It's a setup.
You are culturally trained to demand perfection of yourself on holidays with gifts or food or hospitality of you. And the expectation is that you'll spend those same holidays among the people who cause you the most stress.
And THEN you're supposed to feel grateful *on that day*!
You aren't being ungrateful to admit that it was a giant mess. Except in very lucky families, it likely always is.
I figure it's possible *either* to have a giant family celebration with tons of expectations *or* to ponder on our many blessings. But only the few can do both at once.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 23, 2007, at 19:52:01
In reply to Re: What a turkey of a Thanksgiving, posted by Dinah on November 23, 2007, at 12:38:39
Clearskies,
Thank you for preparing a wonderful meal. Despite the drama you describe you were able to pull it together. FIL got a good meal in him before being subjected to hospital food, I hope?You're stronger for practicing your no-drink habits. I'm so glad that even your thoughts are behaving.
time to sit down for some herbal tea?
-Ll
Posted by Racer on November 24, 2007, at 13:16:18
In reply to And I feel so ungrateful, posted by ClearSkies on November 23, 2007, at 11:31:05
Honey, I'm impressed you could find some good in your day. Maybe it's worth concentrating on what sort of a woman could take a day that left her feeling so bad, and then find the good in it? I'd say that's one special sort of woman, with a huge capacity for health, happiness, and harmony within herself -- even if it doesn't always make it to the outside world, you know?
How about doing what I always want to do: curl up in the corner of the closet, with a cat.
Thanksgiving? I give thanks that it's several days off work/school, and that it's down to the three of us these days, so it's only the one family member to feel judged and rejected by.
I take my spinning wheel with me now, and that way I have something to do, a distraction from whatever else is going on. It may upset my mother, but how exactly is that different?
Peace, and my love to you.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 24, 2007, at 21:12:43
In reply to I am impressed » ClearSkies, posted by Racer on November 24, 2007, at 13:16:18
I try to find some solace in your words. Now, when the house is quiet, and the people have gone to bed (FIL discharged from hospital and ready to go home tomorrow), I find that my biggest problem is a lack of reserves. No quiet space to hide away, no ability to steal some quiet time to be alone without appearing to be antisocial. Which, quite possibly, I am. Too much togetherness, and not enough substance. Too much volume, and not enough content. I want what I cannot have, and that truly is madness, and from that there is no respite.
Yes, I found some good qualities in the day, but they did not sustain me. What I took away with me was my bitterness and a hardened resolve that I don't recall from years past. I'm not sure I like this, but there's growth in there too. Maybe my T will help find the sweet in the bitterness with me.
Thanks Racer, and everyone else, for reading, for listening, for putting up with me. I'm rubbed raw by now, and looking forward to several days of numbed nothingness with an empty house and no t.v. and maybe some reading time with a cat purring on my lap, which is really, all I wanted all along.
ClearSkies
Posted by antigua3 on November 25, 2007, at 8:24:37
In reply to Re: I am impressed » Racer, posted by ClearSkies on November 24, 2007, at 21:12:43
The days after are always the hardest for me. That's when I used to drink--I'd make it through the holiday w/my mother and then all my resentments would come forth and I'd drink.
I don't do that now (not that I wouldn't like to!). I just know to be very careful afterwards. My mother left yesterday and I can feel myself sinking. We had a great visit, but there's so much there underneath that I won't/don't want to deal with. for me, it's "what's the use?" I certainly don't want to hurt her now over things from the past. She is a different woman, and we've discussed what happened to me, but there's no further benefit at this time. So, instead, I internalize it.
I'm doing pretty well--didn't sleep too much yesterday! but my son is going back to college today and that will be another trigger.
all I'm saying is take care of yourself. You are different from me, but it's just something I've learned about myself.
My thanksgiving was actually very nice. I just gave everybody jobs to do, so I didn't do it all. I orchestrated it, and still wore myself out, but everyone had a job, right down to the youngest who helped set the fancy table, and my college son mashing the potatoes with his uncle.
It works for me, now, and there was only one guest who sat the whole time, but she did help wash the silver. I do the inital cleanup to make sure the silver doesn't go in the dishwasher and then I walk away--to a nap usually!
But, for years I've always done what you did. All the work, w/no help and no appreciation. No more for me!
take care Clear Skies--you are the best,
antigua
Posted by rskontos on November 25, 2007, at 16:18:06
In reply to Re: I am impressed » ClearSkies, posted by antigua3 on November 25, 2007, at 8:24:37
Clear Skies, I know exactly how you feel. I did all the cleaning and cooking for everyone too and my father spent the time belittling me. He called me names and pointed out flaws. I guess things don't changed. So I am skipping the holidays next year. I am going from Oct to Mar. (Feb is my birthday no more of those either). So you can join me if you want and we will boycott the holidays!
Honestly, though you did better than I as I didn't find another good I just finally went numb. And I don't see T for too long but that is another story. rk
Posted by ClearSkies on November 26, 2007, at 10:07:54
In reply to Re: I am impressed » ClearSkies, posted by antigua3 on November 25, 2007, at 8:24:37
You're right; the aftereffects of a holiday are the dangerous times for me, too. Luckily (??) I was felled by a migraine, which stopped me in my tracks yesterday and forced me to take some bed rest. In between cups of tea I wallowed and cried when my mom called me. Seems that I needed some kind of release - the headache and the crying did that for me this year.
Now I'm just left feeling like I'm not really capable of handling any kind of stressful situation - or that I can handle it up to a point, but then I pay for it in some physical or emotional way like I did yesterday. Either way I just don't feel adequate. Still have a headache, so I'm going to lay low again today. No more tears left in me, I hope. I might even put some music on the stereo.
CS
Posted by ClearSkies on November 26, 2007, at 10:11:05
In reply to Re: I am impressed, posted by rskontos on November 25, 2007, at 16:18:06
> So you can join me if you want and we will boycott the holidays!
Now there's a fantasy for you! I honestly can't imagine "getting out" of the holidays next year. Perhaps my anger will fuel some creative thinking and I'll come up with a plan before then?
CS
p.s. please don't leave us.
Posted by antigua3 on November 26, 2007, at 19:31:18
In reply to Re: I am impressed » antigua3, posted by ClearSkies on November 26, 2007, at 10:07:54
The scariest part of the day or two after was yesterday, cleaning up after my husband had taken my son to the airport to return to school.
Cleaning up, I opened the downstairs freezer to put something in, and staring me straight in the face was a half bottle of Stoli vodka. I was just so shocked, I slammed the door, opened it again to make sure I wasn't seeing things and then thought some more. My husband wasn't home, all my guests were gone, my younger children were both out. What could a shot or two hurt?It could hurt me, that's who. I didn't do it, and when my husband came home, I told him to get rid of it. I didn't even trust myself to touch it.
It was my son's, or one of his friends--
So, just to keep it therapy-oriented, all those things I learned were valuable. I thought it through, and the immediate relief from the pain wouldn't have been worth the aftermath. I'm kind of used to this sobriety, and I like it and don't want to give it up!
So that's what I mean that for me, the days afterward are often the hardest. But I passed this test...
best to you,
antigua
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