![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on January 17, 2008, at 20:56:35
My cousin Johnny died last week. I've been trying to push it out of my mind, but I looked at another cousin's myspace page and saw "RIP Johnny" and just lost it. I feel so guilty. He reached out to me, but I was busy trying to get my own sh*t together. He moved pretty far away, so it wasn't like I could see him, but still, I could have kept in touch. He was homeless, got caught shop lifting and died of an asthma attack running from the cops. The funeral was today and I just couldn't handle it. Now I feel so guilty. But after my Grandmother's funeral, I just couldn't take it. But my family needed me. I actually asked him if it was okay if I missed his funeral and he said yes. He would have understood. I'm just so sad.
-T
Posted by Jamal Spelling on January 18, 2008, at 9:08:15
In reply to I'm so awful- death trigger hope I did that right, posted by TexasChic on January 17, 2008, at 20:56:35
I'm sorry for your loss and sadness. Unfortunately, what's done is done. You had your own problems that you were working through, and at the time, you did what you had the strength to do. It's normal and OK to feel sad or bad about things that happened, but you cannot change those things. What you can do, is to use what you have learned from this experience, to try and prevent a similar situation from happening again.
Posted by Phillipa on January 18, 2008, at 12:24:37
In reply to Re: I'm so awful- death trigger hope I did that ri, posted by Jamal Spelling on January 18, 2008, at 9:08:15
T I can't handle funerals either would rather remember the person as they were. Yes he will forgive you as he is in your heart. That is my personal thought as wasn't exposed to funerals growing up and they are horrible to me. Just me my thought. Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on January 18, 2008, at 14:25:25
In reply to I'm so awful- death trigger hope I did that right, posted by TexasChic on January 17, 2008, at 20:56:35
Sorry for your suffering TC.
You took care of yourself....I can't see that being wrong!! I think it's super-important to be able to tune in to what we need & then do what we need to have it happen.
And sometimes what we need is actually what we don't need!
You needed to NOT go to the funeral.(((((((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))
I'm glad you connected with him about it; that's a big gift.
luv, Kath
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on January 18, 2008, at 15:01:09
In reply to I'm so awful- death trigger hope I did that right, posted by TexasChic on January 17, 2008, at 20:56:35
> My cousin Johnny died last week. I've been trying to push it out of my mind, but I looked at another cousin's myspace page and saw "RIP Johnny" and just lost it. I feel so guilty. He reached out to me, but I was busy trying to get my own sh*t together. He moved pretty far away, so it wasn't like I could see him, but still, I could have kept in touch. He was homeless, got caught shop lifting and died of an asthma attack running from the cops. The funeral was today and I just couldn't handle it. Now I feel so guilty. But after my Grandmother's funeral, I just couldn't take it. But my family needed me. I actually asked him if it was okay if I missed his funeral and he said yes. He would have understood. I'm just so sad.
>
> -TOhhhh TC. Do you mind if I steal some of these from you for a bit? ((((((((((((TC)))))))))))))))).
Please don't feel "shamed" or bad, because your reaction is just human. As common as it is....death is still one of the hardest things in the world for us to approach.
It feels uncomfortable, and it hurts like no other pain we know. I read a story in the paper just recently about a house that caught on fire, and the owner died in it. The paper had a picture of the owner's little dog sitting out front of the burned-out home, and the dog didn't move for over a few days. It was grieving, I guess.Honestly, TC, I think there are a few things you might want to look into. You might want to find someone in person to talk to about it. This is an issue that doesn't go away, of course, as we get older, we only have to deal with more. It can lead to MAJOR mental health problems....trust me, I got a bit of a head start in this area...heh. I don't honestly claim to have *the* answer, 'cause I am still trying to figure it all out. What I might suggest...do something that you think would be special just between you and your cousin. Maybe light a candle, and just sit in a corner with it. Then it's just him and you. Do you write in a journal, or poetry, or anything like that? Do something...and it can even be the smallest thing..as a 'tribute' to him. It doesn't have to be anything major.
If you ever want someone to chat with...don't be afraid to babblemail me and we can talk further somehow.
Take very good care...
Jay
Posted by Kath on January 18, 2008, at 15:49:05
In reply to Re: you are not so awful.... » TexasChic, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on January 18, 2008, at 15:01:09
((((((((((((((((((((Jay)))))))))))))))))))))))))
your very own personalized hugs!TC - just was thinking also you might get some additional support on the Grief board....haven't checked it myself, so don't know how much 'traffic' there is.
luv, Kath
PS - I've looked into a Bereaved Familys group locally. When things aren't quite so hectic in my life, I plan to go to 'deal with' my Mom's death when I was in my early 20's - decades ago!
K
Posted by TexasChic on January 18, 2008, at 18:58:53
In reply to Re: you are not so awful.... Jay + TC, posted by Kath on January 18, 2008, at 15:49:05
I kept trying not to think of it, then I stumbled upon the myspace page a mutual cousin of ours set up in memory of him - with pictures when he was a little kid and everything. That's when I realized the funeral took place yesterday. I just got overwhelmed. It was exactly what I was trying to avoid.
But I feel better now. I sat by the fireplace last night crying, watching the fire and talking to him. I ran out of wood and started burning cardboard, paper, even a couple of old paperback books. For some reason watching the fire felt like... I don't know, some tribute or connection or something. I didn't want it to go out. I finally let it go though and went to bed. Today I went out and got a new hair cut and bought a new suit for the interview. It still makes me cry to think of him, but I'm not all distraught like I was last night.
Thanks for all the kind words and advice. It really does help.
-T
Posted by Kath on January 18, 2008, at 19:14:52
In reply to Thanks everyone. I think I'm better now., posted by TexasChic on January 18, 2008, at 18:58:53
Dear TC - so glad you're feeling better.
Maybe the fire helped burn away some of your grief.
hugs, Kath
Posted by TexasChic on January 18, 2008, at 19:30:07
In reply to Thanks everyone. I think I'm better now., posted by TexasChic on January 18, 2008, at 18:58:53
I didn't know if I should put 'death' in the title or if that itself was a trigger. But I figured if you don't know what kind of trigger it is, you'll probably end up reading it anyway just to see. So I figured if I said up front, hey, I'm talking about death and grief and all that, maybe it would prevent someone from reading any further if that was one of their triggers.
-T
Posted by Kath on January 18, 2008, at 19:55:05
In reply to Did I do the trigger thing right?, posted by TexasChic on January 18, 2008, at 19:30:07
I think you did it right? As you say, how else would anyone know what the trigger was about?
xo K
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.