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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by becksFLA on January 26, 2008, at 7:09:53
This has been a problem that has plagued me basically since my anxiety/depression hit about 5 years ago. I've been trying to connect the two but I don't know what the problem is. It has to do with relationships, particularly with girls, or lack thereof. First thing's first, it doesn't matter but should show how much of a problem it really is. I'm a handsome guy, very imposing 6'7", yet extremely genuine, OVERLY sensitive (perhaps b/c of the anxiety/depression), and I deeply care what everybody thinks of me, good and ESPECIALLY bad. If somebody doesnt like me, people tell me to blow it off, and I know I should, but it affects me for a LONG time....increasing my depression, making me think how sad it is that they don't like me, because I have nothing but good intentions for everybody. I really haven't had a steady girlfriend for years now. I've had chances, but they always go out the window after the first date. I think it may be because I get so excited I scare them off? I definitly think way too much into things, could be another reason. I have no clue though. Just wondering if anybody else that suffers from these disorders also has the same relationship problems and can help me relate. (In the past before I had anxiety/depression I had so many incredible friends...not even close to an issue.
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on January 26, 2008, at 7:09:53
In reply to Can anybody understand me on this? Ruining my life, posted by becksFLA on January 24, 2008, at 14:15:57
> This has been a problem that has plagued me basically since my anxiety/depression hit about 5 years ago. I've been trying to connect the two but I don't know what the problem is. It has to do with relationships, particularly with girls, or lack thereof. First thing's first, it doesn't matter but should show how much of a problem it really is. I'm a handsome guy, very imposing 6'7", yet extremely genuine, OVERLY sensitive (perhaps b/c of the anxiety/depression), and I deeply care what everybody thinks of me, good and ESPECIALLY bad. If somebody doesnt like me, people tell me to blow it off, and I know I should, but it affects me for a LONG time....increasing my depression, making me think how sad it is that they don't like me, because I have nothing but good intentions for everybody. I really haven't had a steady girlfriend for years now. I've had chances, but they always go out the window after the first date. I think it may be because I get so excited I scare them off? I definitly think way too much into things, could be another reason. I have no clue though. Just wondering if anybody else that suffers from these disorders also has the same relationship problems and can help me relate. (In the past before I had anxiety/depression I had so many incredible friends...not even close to an issue.
>
>
>Well, just to let you know, you are FAR from alone. I know..it's not fun, at all. It down-right hurts. My depression and anxiety have REALLY been messing me from getting back into a 'steady' relationship with a woman for almost 10 years now. I had a bad enough time before psych. treatment with relationships! I've always been kinda the soft/heart-on-sleeve nice guy, and well, I've found women just don't find that very attractive. (Or I guess..**SOME** women). What is weird though is that I've also often kept my pride, and was able to keep myself together as a fairly strong, intelligent person. Still, I've never been 'perfect' enough. (Just ask all my ex's..lol.) Yes, there where a couple of times where I was clearly at fault, I'd be the first to admit. (Rushed in too fast, etc.) But it seemed to often come down to me, and "me" having to change something about "me". "Oh...if you where just like this...or that...or this...etc.."
In your case, you should take heart in your height, as that is a major attraction point with women. I don't know how old you are, but I find many (No..not all...) women in my age range, late-30's-early 40's...think they 'deserve' Tom Cruise's twin.lol Okay, now I sound really cynical and am likely to be ambushed with custard pie. Maybe I am just looking in the wrong places?
I dunno. Oh ya, and the same goes for me and past 'friends' too. Now-a-days...I am a pretty lonely guy. :( (I know...boo-hoo...heh..)Best,
Jay
Posted by becksFLA on January 26, 2008, at 10:23:12
In reply to Re: Can anybody understand me on this? Ruining my life » becksFLA, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on January 26, 2008, at 7:09:53
Thanks JAy, yeah, I'm about to turn 26, and yes I've been told the height should be a good thing, and it is, that's definitly not what is keeping them at bay. But so often I'll find out a girl that I';m working with, going to school with etc, is interested, and I get so excited, a few days later, she picks up on it or something and does a total 180, and really completely loses interest altogether.
Then there is the other side of it, where I believe you and I have the same emotional side. (When you talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve). Unfortunately most girls don't care for this, and when they find out about that, another turnoff. If I could just find a way to switch off the feelings and be patient, I'm sure one day my goodness will appeal to somebody. Unfortunately when everybody tells you to just blow them off, they're not worth the time of day, etc...that's still hard to do
Posted by Phillipa on January 26, 2008, at 12:11:35
In reply to Re: Can anybody understand me on this? Ruining my, posted by becksFLA on January 26, 2008, at 10:23:12
I may be older now but when going through divorces wasn't interested in other men and they flocked all over me . I feel that the opposite sex is attracted to those who don't appear to need a partner. Don't know if this makes sense. Phillipa
Posted by Racer on January 27, 2008, at 0:22:33
In reply to Re: Can anybody understand me on this? Ruining my, posted by becksFLA on January 26, 2008, at 10:23:12
I just flashed on this -- he was a comic who wrote a song called "Chicks Dig Jerks," and this discussion reminded me of it. (He really was a funny guy, but died of cancer some years back.)
(Becks, until you told your age, I was completely flummoxed for a moment -- I have a handsome, single cousin about your height, and since it's rare to see people quite that tall, I was suddenly poleaxed thinking -- "OH NO!!! Is that Cousin X?")
Since I'm very literally old enough to be your mother, I guess it's OK if I sound ancient in what I say about your situation. (And of course it's for both of you -- why would I leave you out, Jay? Never!)
Over the years, I've found that the more focused someone is on getting into a relationship, the less likely they are to find a good one. There are exceptions, but in general a better focus is either on making friends or on "dating practice" -- you know, "I want to date a few people, just to have some better practice at doing it. No relationship -- just casual dating." (I met my husband shortly after saying to myself that I wanted to practice casual dating, and focus on other aspects of my life. Basically, I was looking for someone who wanted to be able to go on a date a couple of times a month, do something fun with someone, but not have serious plans. Mr X sure shot that plan to pieces, but he's decorative, so I'll keep him ;-) After all, if I gave him back, I'd have to redo the living room!)
Sometimes, if someone is looking for a relationship, they seem to focus on other people as Potential Mates, and not as people, if that makes any sense? That's why looking for friends is often so successful in starting relationships. Also, every friend you make has other friends -- some of whom may be single...
As far as the self-consciousness goes, the more you can focus on another person or the topic under discussion, the less you'll be bothered by it. (Easy to say, not always easy to do. Here's something else I've learned: If I try to focus on another person, and am still caught up in self-consciousness, it may be a sign that the other person really isn't very interesting to me...) The "heart on sleeve" part is harder -- there's a fine line between romantic behavior, sometimes, and something that feels more like pushing the relationship too fast. I don't know what to say about that, though, so I'll shut up now...
I do wish you both the very best -- we know you're both good guys, and that I'm way too old for you... I hope you both find someone special -- and end up with tons of friends who care about you as you deserve.
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on January 27, 2008, at 20:57:54
In reply to Have you ever heard of Bill Hicks? » becksFLA, posted by Racer on January 27, 2008, at 0:22:33
> I just flashed on this -- he was a comic who wrote a song called "Chicks Dig Jerks," and this discussion reminded me of it. (He really was a funny guy, but died of cancer some years back.)
>
> (Becks, until you told your age, I was completely flummoxed for a moment -- I have a handsome, single cousin about your height, and since it's rare to see people quite that tall, I was suddenly poleaxed thinking -- "OH NO!!! Is that Cousin X?")
>
> Since I'm very literally old enough to be your mother, I guess it's OK if I sound ancient in what I say about your situation. (And of course it's for both of you -- why would I leave you out, Jay? Never!)
>
> Over the years, I've found that the more focused someone is on getting into a relationship, the less likely they are to find a good one. There are exceptions, but in general a better focus is either on making friends or on "dating practice" -- you know, "I want to date a few people, just to have some better practice at doing it. No relationship -- just casual dating." (I met my husband shortly after saying to myself that I wanted to practice casual dating, and focus on other aspects of my life. Basically, I was looking for someone who wanted to be able to go on a date a couple of times a month, do something fun with someone, but not have serious plans. Mr X sure shot that plan to pieces, but he's decorative, so I'll keep him ;-) After all, if I gave him back, I'd have to redo the living room!)
>
> Sometimes, if someone is looking for a relationship, they seem to focus on other people as Potential Mates, and not as people, if that makes any sense? That's why looking for friends is often so successful in starting relationships. Also, every friend you make has other friends -- some of whom may be single...
>
> As far as the self-consciousness goes, the more you can focus on another person or the topic under discussion, the less you'll be bothered by it. (Easy to say, not always easy to do. Here's something else I've learned: If I try to focus on another person, and am still caught up in self-consciousness, it may be a sign that the other person really isn't very interesting to me...) The "heart on sleeve" part is harder -- there's a fine line between romantic behavior, sometimes, and something that feels more like pushing the relationship too fast. I don't know what to say about that, though, so I'll shut up now...
>
> I do wish you both the very best -- we know you're both good guys, and that I'm way too old for you... I hope you both find someone special -- and end up with tons of friends who care about you as you deserve.
>
>
>Hi Racer:
Thanks for the post. :-) No, I haven't heard of Bill Hicks...I'll try and look him up. I don't think you've ever shared your personal thoughts on these things with me, and I thank you. But I do recall you made some very nice comments to me about one of my pics.
So, double bonus thank-you, merci...and yes I know you are married so I won't try anything..lol..;-)
I think you said you are a bit older then I too....and I lately seem to be attracting some attention from an 'older' women on one date website. She is only about 10 years older....and it certainly is for no reason off limits to me, but she lives on the other side of the world..so..lol.Yes, I do understand about your idea of having different reasons and such for dating, and being in those different 'phases'. I guess another of my main problems is I am so terribly self-conscious. That leads to the whole negative-feedback loop of 'I am not worthy'. Heh. Like, I worry about my weight, even though I've dated numerous women who had no problem with the issue, but in the back of my mind is buried some comment a woman did make that was negative, and that stands out the most, of course. But, even with this, I am trying to do something about it. The meds have added to my weight, and now I have gotten into dieting, physical exercise, and am cutting out meds that I don't feel I need. I had one other 'strike' against me....thinning hair since I was young. Now, I actually got some nice comments from a few of my 'ex's', I don't know if they where just feeling sorry for me..lol. But, as these two things progressed, I just didn't seem so "socially" attractive, and like you mentioned your mother would offer you comments, I'd still get these "oh...it must be your weight"..comments from my Mom too. And of course, everybody just thinks I am lazy and that I am a glutton who eats too much.
So, I get in my self-pity moods, and I play songs like my fav from Mudhoney.."Touch Me, I'm Sick"..lots of Cobain and Nirvana. Self-loathing...etc. Now that really charming, eh?..heh. So, if I go to the 'Just for Men' salon, get a hair transplant, and body-sculpting/surgery, I should be just A-O-K, eh?..lol.
Thanks for your sweet encouragement. It really is nice...and yes it does help...no matter how much I whine..;-)
Take care...Jay
Posted by Racer on January 27, 2008, at 21:37:27
In reply to Re: Have you ever heard of Bill Hicks? » Racer, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on January 27, 2008, at 20:57:54
> > So, if I go to the 'Just for Men' salon, get a hair transplant, and body-sculpting/surgery, I should be just A-O-K, eh?..lol.
>I know you're joking, but I dated a man (actually, we lived together and were planning to marry, but that's not how I like to remember it now...) who had a toupee. He actually had a strip of skin surgically removed from his stomach to create these spaces for the clips of the toupee. Ick.
Mr X is losing his hair, and he's very self conscious about it. He's one of the older onset balding patterns, which is a bit different, but it still hits self-image. I love his hair, I love his rising forehead, and the only regret I have for his hair loss is that he worries about it so. Being you -- being Jay, exactly as much as you are Jay here, being Jay as you are when no one is looking -- that's what makes you most attractive.
And your mother is wrong about your weight. Exercise in the way you enjoy most, because that's what it takes to keep a program going. Eat food that keeps you healthy. Take the medications that help you most. Anyone who's worth the effort of a relationship will love you for respecting yourself enough to take care of yourself. And anyone you have to put on a New Improved Jay suit for is not worth your effort.
As I said, the Racer School Of Attracting the Opposite Sex has one hard and fast rule: the first and best way to overcome self-consciousness -- and to be most attractive to others -- is to focus on someone or something else. If you're with someone who's passionately interested in, say, paleoanthropology, ask about Homo ergaster, and focus on the answers -- they'll lead to more questions, which will lead to more discussion, which will lead... Well, honestly, it'll probably lead to your partner in this thinking you're awfully smart and interesting, since she may not notice that you haven't talked much yourself. Alternately, if you're passionately interested in, say, paleography, and she asks about it -- let your passion show. That passion is what people respond to -- the energy, the interest, the animation: those are what most people respond to.
Now, obviously, it can be hard to find that trigger point for that sort of conversation in real life, but the basic point remains.
By the way, I also recommend, for those of us who maybe don't always show well in person, online options that allow for getting to know one another in writing first. That helps.
Hope this helps..
This is the end of the thread.
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