![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on February 19, 2008, at 0:14:04
OK, I met a really nice guy online. I told my Mom I met a nice guy online and I mentioned he was black.
Then my Mom says that I absolutely cannot date a black man, that black people are _____ and ______. (I don't want to repeat b/c it might be uncivil.) I was horrified and saddened.
My Mom is not very educated and we are lower class. We're also the target of racism. How can my Mom say those things about black people?
:-(
Right now I'm going to continue chatting with this guy. He's really sweet. He's going to tutor me in organic chemistry for free. He has a biochemistry degree.
I'm ashamed of my Mom. :-(
Any advice on what I should do?
Posted by Deneb on February 19, 2008, at 0:19:18
In reply to Racism *trigger, posted by Deneb on February 19, 2008, at 0:14:04
My Mom said she can never have a black son in-law and definitely no black children. :-(
My sister has a white boyfriend. Apparently it's OK to have white boyfriends, but not black. :-(
I'm saddened.
Posted by ClearSkies on February 19, 2008, at 8:00:32
In reply to Re: Racism *trigger, posted by Deneb on February 19, 2008, at 0:19:18
Deneb, it's never easy to know how to respond when confronted with racism. Because of the area of the US in which I live, I witness it on an almost daily basis, and it upsets me to no end. That a country could have gone through such forward strides in mandating equality amongst the races less than half a century ago, yet still have so very far to go, is disheartening to say the least.
I know that it's not my purpose in life to change any one person's ideas about racism. I think that it's a futile idea that I might have any kind of influence on another's perception of the human race. Instead, I take the approach that I will be the change I want to see. Rather than try to change the minds of those around me, I try to live in a way that doesn't promote racism.
If someone I'm speaking with makes derogatory remarks, I tell them that I'm uncomfortable with that kind of language, and ask them to stop using it around me. If they continue, then I tell them that I'll have to leave the room. I've had to use this approach in a work setting several times since I moved here, and it very quickly had the desired effect - people stopped talking like that around me. Or if they didn't, I just walked out of the room. It sends the message that what they are saying is offensive.
I realize that this is much different when you're talking about relationships with our parents - but the same approach can still work. You aren't going to change you're mom's mind about the subject; she has to make up her own mind, through her own personal experiences. It doesn't mean that you don't go and form the friendships that you want to, either. It means that you establish a healthy boundary with her about what appropriate to say around you - and when she says things that aren't appropriate, then it's OK for you to say, "This isn't something I'm comfortable hearing." - and you walk away.
It's very hard when you face this within your own family. I've experienced this as well, and stood my ground. The technique works.
CS
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on February 19, 2008, at 9:03:22
In reply to Racism *trigger, posted by Deneb on February 19, 2008, at 0:14:04
Hi Deneb:
I agree with CS through and through. It is hard, especially dealing with a parent who may hold racist beliefs. I believe you are from Canada, and we are certainly not immune to our share of racism up here too. I personally have experienced it in other's racist attitudes towards minorities at work, school, within my family, etc. Since you are the age you are, I don't think you have to listen to your mother's beliefs if you don't want to. Have you taken any sociology or social science courses in university or college? They can go a long way in helping to explain and understand racism, and how to react to it. Besides, you don't need your mother's approval to have certain friends.
As CS pointed out, a good tactic is to walk away when racist remarks are made, and refuse to even discuss such comments. The main, most important points are a) you have a new friend and b) he has offered to tutor you (for free...which of course I know you are very grateful.) You are in that period of your life when you are making the transition from home to the 'outside big bad world', and it is very hard, I know. Especially when your parents still see you as that little kid. But, don't wish it away to fast. I sort of did, and it seems like I just flipped the page and here I am a year and so away from being fourty. I had a bit of a rough start when I was in my early start...well maybe more then a bit..heh..but now I look back and wish I didn't push at time so hard.
Please take good care of yourself....
Jay
Posted by tina on February 19, 2008, at 11:40:21
In reply to Re: Racism *trigger » Deneb, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on February 19, 2008, at 9:03:22
I'm so sorry your mom can't be supportive. Not sure what to do though. Closed minded people drive me crazy! I'm just really sorry you have to face that kind of small-minded prejudice.
Posted by Phillipa on February 19, 2008, at 12:05:54
In reply to Re: Racism *trigger » Jay_Bravest_Face, posted by tina on February 19, 2008, at 11:40:21
I feel that the world is open to change some can some can't. You will find your own opinion and stick with it it's your life. And it really is. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on February 19, 2008, at 14:23:03
In reply to Re: Racism *trigger, posted by Deneb on February 19, 2008, at 0:19:18
Yikes Deneb!!!!!!
I think the best thing is to understand (even tho it saddens you) where your mom is coming from. I'm not saying I agree; just saying understand that this attitude is part of who your Mom is, sadly.
I think the fact that white is OK but black isn't must be very hard for you, especially if you are a target for racism.
I'd say go ahead. It's your life. Others might disagree. He sounds really nice. Pl. be sure to follow safety guidelines when you meet him, ok???
Public place; let him know that people know where you're going to be & with whom & when they expect you back. You can just mention it clearly, in passing. Even jokingly - that friends & family have all the safety nets in place as they're edgy about internet-meeting etc.
gotta go Deneb, luv, Kath
PS - he** you're just meeting him - you're not going to marry him....mind you if you liked each other who knows what might eventually happen.
I always believe in friends-first anyhow.
Posted by caraher on February 20, 2008, at 21:09:48
In reply to Racism *trigger, posted by Deneb on February 19, 2008, at 0:14:04
> My Mom is not very educated and we are lower class. We're also the target of racism. How can my Mom say those things about black people?
Funny how that works... my grandmother grew up in a very poor family with a zillion kids, in what was basically an immigrant ghetto. One time she made a series of observations about another racial group that really surprised me. It really boiled down to "yeah, we were dirt poor nobodies, but at least we were better than (group X)." Reminds me of the Homer Simpson account of self worth, which comes from making sure there's always someone you can look down on.
It was unpleasant to hear her views. But they reflected what she thought, not me. Why should *I* be ashamed of what someone else says? I also view what she said as reflective of her circumstances growing up. Sounds like your mom may have a comparable background.
Posted by Deneb on February 21, 2008, at 1:42:07
In reply to Re: Racism *trigger, posted by caraher on February 20, 2008, at 21:09:48
Thanks for all the advice.
It turns out I don't have to worry about dating black men for now. I mentioned that I thought I was asexual and then he suggested I go over to his place the next day and he would pleasure me. I'm totally not ready for that.
He said he's into dating. I said I'm looking for friends. I'm guessing dating means sex. So I've stopped communications with him. It just wasn't meant to be.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.