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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on February 14, 2009, at 1:59:43
I am realizing something. I wonder if it makes me evil.
I get kind of triggered whenever people talk about going to the hospital or friends calling the cops on them or something.
I am quite happy now and not in the least bit suicidal, but sometimes when that happens I wish I were. Twisted eh?
Maybe I want to know that people care about me.
I was kind of upset that time I mini OD'd and my Mom didn't want me to go to the hospital. I took it to mean that she didn't care if I died, but that can't be further from the truth. My Mom loves me very much and she didn't want me to go to the hospital because she was afraid of losing me. She was afraid I would go and be locked up again and never come out again.
Sometimes I think, why don't my friends call the cops on me? I start thinking it is because they don't believe me or don't care if I die, but that is probably untrue. I also think I never really want to die when I OD. I think maybe it is like self injury sometimes and other times it is because I want people to care.
I need to focus on other things that people do that show they care, like replying to my posts or actually saying that they care.
I hope my post doesn't offend people. Sometimes I say the wrong things.
Posted by Deneb on February 14, 2009, at 2:11:50
In reply to I feel bad about thinking this *trigger??*, posted by Deneb on February 14, 2009, at 1:59:43
The weird thing is, I actually don't want the cops called on me. There have been times I was terrified of them coming. Which doesn't make sense at all.
The main reason why I fear them is because I wouldn't want my parents or family to know I wasn't doing well. I lie a lot to keep my troubles a secret. If I ever kill myself, my parents would be the last to suspect something was wrong. I just can't bare the thought of my Mom worrying about me.
I am lying right now. I am pretending to go to work this week and the next Mon and Tues. because I don't want them to know I had to get my exam deferred and am studying for it now. I don't want them to know I wasn't doing well for a while. I can't ever let my parents suspect anything is wrong when there is something wrong.
I did it the day I did the big OD. I got to the hospital by ambulance and I still kept up the lie, telling my Mom I was studying late when I was actually in the hospital. I tried to escape to go home when the doctor who promised I would home soon didn't keep her promise. Only when I was physically kept from leaving did I have to come clean and tell my parents I was at the hospital. Yes I was willing to die instead of letting my parents know I OD'd.
That is why I will never want the cops to actually come.
Posted by Glydin 3.9 on February 14, 2009, at 8:21:36
In reply to I feel bad about thinking this *trigger??*, posted by Deneb on February 14, 2009, at 1:59:43
I think it's good that you do think about this issue.
I think the ultimate thoughts on feeling the caring by others may be: Do they care if we are alive or dead? It can be argued that some use the saving actions of others as evidence that meets the internal need of proof that someone does indeed care. I do think that happens....
I think it's good you recognize there are ways to preceive and feel the caring if others without the expectation they be responsible for our safety in living and dying. I think that's a good thing and I see that as growth for you.
Somewhat related, the factor of the changing expectations in illness versus wellness comes into the mix also. Let's face it, when we are ill, other have different expections of us. Sometimes, we can be caught up in that as a means of inappropriately meeting a need for us, IMO.
Posted by Kath on February 14, 2009, at 20:25:28
In reply to Re: I feel bad about thinking this *trigger??*, posted by Deneb on February 14, 2009, at 2:11:50
Hi Deneb,
I think it's good that you're giving this some thought & analysis.
Do you talk with your T about it?
I think in the past one time, you realized that knowing your friends care about you is really important to you (isn't it to us all!!) & that sometimes you used not the healthiest ways to get them to show you that.
It's not easy to come right out & say, "Hey - I feel like I need some attention" (or reassurance, or whatever it is we need)
It might not be all that hard for some people to say "I need a hug". But for that same person, it could be hard to say "I need to know people care about me"
We're such complex beings.
Well Deneb, I care about you & value you & am certainly glad that you're part of my life!
hugs, Kath
Posted by JadeKelly on February 23, 2009, at 22:25:23
In reply to Re: I feel bad about thinking this *trigger??* » Deneb, posted by Kath on February 14, 2009, at 20:25:28
> Hi Deneb,
>
> I think it's good that you're giving this some thought & analysis.
>
> Do you talk with your T about it?
>
> I think in the past one time, you realized that knowing your friends care about you is really important to you (isn't it to us all!!) & that sometimes you used not the healthiest ways to get them to show you that.
>
> It's not easy to come right out & say, "Hey - I feel like I need some attention" (or reassurance, or whatever it is we need)
>
> It might not be all that hard for some people to say "I need a hug". But for that same person, it could be hard to say "I need to know people care about me"
>
> We're such complex beings.
>
> Well Deneb, I care about you & value you & am certainly glad that you're part of my life!
>
> hugs, KathHi Deneb,
I know we don't know each other...I hope its okay that I'm answering your post. I've noticed over the years that people are so different in how they respond to "help". My Mom actually gets angry at me if I try to inquire or help with an illness. To me this is the perfect time to show her how much I love her. To her, she just wants to be left alone, no matter what it is.
I'm sure the people who love you would do what you really need if they knew what that was, and would want to show you that they care.
Trying to figure out what it is people REALLY need can be difficult. In your case, I think maybe the way you were raised has left you wanting a little more assurance that you are loved and cared about. Sometimes people just don't know what to do. Maybe you could tell them. If your feeling down like you really want to know someone cares, call a "safe" person. Ask them to spend some time with you until you feel safe and cared for.
I know its harder than it sounds. But I hope you'll try it.
~Jade
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