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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cass on February 22, 2009, at 16:58:39
Okay, no one 51-50 me, okay?? I'm in a deep sense of despair, but NOT suicidal. If I was suicidal, I couldn't talk about here because I'd get 51-50'd.
I once found an old letter from my mother she'd written when we were young children. She wrote, "Despair, despair, despair." Did Sylvia Plath write that, too? My mother was not happy being a mother. She was in over her head. She had no maternal instincts. I am not a mother, but I'm depressed. I think my mother suffered from depression, but she didn't get help. She had too much pride. I don't.
As some of you know, my husband passed away recently. It was the most functional relationship I've ever had. We expressed our love and support for each other every day. He was my biggest fan and thought the world of me. He had never-ending compliments for me, and I admired him deeply. He had good character. He was a good man who helped a lot of people. He truly cared. I'm going to enter an outpatient treatment program for my grief. I'm scared. I don't know what it'll be like. I know one person who's done this program before, and he was luke-warm on it. Nevertheless, I feel I need the structure and support, so I'm doing it.
I feel absolutely miserable today. My concentration is so shot it's not even funny. I'm unorganized and I lose things all the time. I feel angry that life is the way it is. I'm so angry. Why did this have to happen? I can't stand it. I'm so mad. I feel overwhelmed and unable to handle things. F@#*ing TAXES. Oh god!! And a friend is doing them for me! All I have to do is gather the stuff, but I didn't know my husband was going to pass away, so I hadn't been keeping track of all that stuff.
The thing is, I know I have a lot to be grateful for in terms of the support I have, so I feel a little guilty for feeling so down. but I feel the way I feel, and I can't help it.
Today I bought a book called "Grace (eventually): Thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott. It seemed to touch on some issues I've been dealing with. Faith is one of them. Today I'm going to an Oscar party. I welcome the opportunity to be out with people, but at the same time I feel like balling up in the fetal position. Oh god. This life. Why, why, why???
Posted by BayLeaf on February 22, 2009, at 18:41:11
In reply to Despair, despair, despair, posted by Cass on February 22, 2009, at 16:58:39
Aww, sweetie I'm glad you posted. You need to get this stuff out. And I'm SO glad you are going to that grief group. It's ok that your friend gave it a horizontal thumb, cuz studies show that men, generally don't fair as well in grief groups as women do - in fact I recall one study where the men came out worse than they went in (I hope they didn't pay for this!)
I hope the Oscar party gives you some temporary relief from the despair. Hang on to those brief light moments for future reference.
Hugs, Bay
Posted by fayeroe on February 22, 2009, at 20:22:20
In reply to Despair, despair, despair, posted by Cass on February 22, 2009, at 16:58:39
Cass, I am so sorry that you are feeling such pain right now. I am sorry that you lost your husband.
I send you positive feelings and vibes tonight.If I can help you, please let me know. Pat
Posted by obsidian on February 22, 2009, at 23:09:25
In reply to Despair, despair, despair, posted by Cass on February 22, 2009, at 16:58:39
Cass... it's not fair, I wish you weren't suffering with this loss
It's nice to hear that you're reaching out though. So glad you're still here.
((((cass))))
-sid
Posted by Bobby on February 22, 2009, at 23:46:17
In reply to Despair, despair, despair, posted by Cass on February 22, 2009, at 16:58:39
Dear Cass,
I can't say that I know what it feels like to lose a spouse or child(Nothing I imagine can hurt the soul more). What I can say with authority and conviction--having been to many dark places which will remain unmentioned here---is that there will be horrible dreadful things--but also joyous wonderous things in life that --despite your greatest efforts to explain their purpose----the meaning will always excape a logical explaination. you will simply have to learn to accept them and move on with life. good things are often diguised as setbacks---and bad things are often beautiful to behold in the moment. As time marches on---this will hopefully become clearer and you'll see things in a new light. It's not in anyones power to predict your future---but I guarantee you're attitude will be a great influence in the overall outcome. People need each other during times of grief and trial and it's a positive move you've already made. I'm wishing you strength, wisdom, and resilience. Hang in there Cass. there's a lot of good things/people out there if you open your eyes. good luck.
Posted by Kath on February 23, 2009, at 10:49:15
In reply to Despair, despair, despair, posted by Cass on February 22, 2009, at 16:58:39
(((((((((((((((Cass)))))))))))))))))
I am so very sorry that you've lost your wonderful, dear husband Cass. What a tragic thing to happen to you.
I would find having the tax situation to deal with during this time quite overwhelming. Sometimes intense emotions sort of immobilize me.
I'm including a quote from your post:
"The thing is, I know I have a lot to be grateful for in terms of the support I have, so I feel a little guilty for feeling so down. but I feel the way I feel, and I can't help it. "
Cass, I've learned at my Group Therapy that it's extremely important to FEEL our feelings. To actually FEEL them.
Another thing I've learned is that we can have more than one feeling at the very same time. So you can be feeling grateful, AND sad, AND angry etc at the same time.
I'm glad you have lots of good support. Please try not to feel guilty about feeling really down. It makes total sense that you'd feel that way right now Cass.
The fact that you feel so very angry right now - although it might be really unpleasant, it's probably so emotionally healthy for you.
I'm glad you've found the day program to be involved in. It sounds like a good idea. Good to have help in dealing with your grief, right now while it's right near the surface.
Please let us know how you're doing.
love, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on February 23, 2009, at 13:35:49
In reply to Re: Despair, despair, despair » Cass, posted by Kath on February 23, 2009, at 10:49:15
I also think it's a great idea grief is horrible. Lost my Mother age l7. Love Phillipa
Posted by Cass on February 24, 2009, at 18:37:22
In reply to Re: Despair, despair, despair, posted by Phillipa on February 23, 2009, at 13:35:49
Thanks for your responses. I'm trying to feel what I feel and have a good attitude, but lately I feel so sad. Anger is a big issue, too. I do feel a sense of optimism about going into treatment although I'm told it may be overwhelming by people who have been through a lot of group therapy. I'm also wrestling with another personal issue. Our new minister helped me a lot when my husband was very ill and when he passed away. She was there for me almost obsessively. On more than one occasion she said, "I think of you literally every second of the day." The statement actually raised some red flags for me; it sounded co-dependent or something, but I was in so much crisis that I accepted the situation as it was. Now lately it seems that she has largely withdrawn her support. I've sensed a strong shift in her attitude. At first I blamed myself which I have a tendency to do. I felt guilty about being so needy even though she seemed to thrive on it. I spoke to my therapist, and he says she sounds like a "rescuer;" someone who comes on strong in their support because they get something out of it, but if they don't see you getting better fast, they are disappointed and move on to someone else. It would be easier to accept in someone else, but she had a professional responsibility in the lives of me and my husband, and I think the way she acted was unprofessional. I feel set-up. I grew to rely on her support. Under ordinary circumstances if I had been my normal self, sensing red flags, I probably would have distanced myself from her a little, but I was overwhelmed. So I grew to rely on her; she encouraged it, and then she suddenly became distant. That hurts. I called her recently. She seemed sort of removed but commented that I seem mad at her. I told her that I was hurt by her shift in attitude. She told me she thinks I am upset because I have abandonment issues stemming back to my parents and my husband dying. I may have abandonment issues, but that doesn't take away from her role in the problem. So I'm wrestling with how I should deal with this. Maybe I should just accept that she helped for awhile, take it for what it is, be grateful for her past support, and accept that she is no longer a significant resource for me. It's complicated though. She is a part of my life: I'm involved in congregational activities, so I see her a lot besides on Sundays, and now I don't feel comfortable around her.
Posted by fayeroe on February 25, 2009, at 17:26:56
In reply to Re: Despair, despair, despair, posted by Cass on February 24, 2009, at 18:37:22
> Thanks for your responses. I'm trying to feel what I feel and have a good attitude, but lately I feel so sad. Anger is a big issue, too.
I feel that anger is very much a part of the grieving process. For me, fear is not far behind.
I do feel a sense of optimism about going into treatment although I'm told it may be overwhelming by people who have been through a lot of group therapy.If you have a good group leader , there should be no problems. I'll cross my fingers for you.
I'm also wrestling with another personal issue. Our new minister helped me a lot when my husband was very ill and when he passed away. She was there for me almost obsessively. On more than one occasion she said, "I think of you literally every second of the day." The statement actually raised some red flags for me; it sounded co-dependent or something, but I was in so much crisis that I accepted the situation as it was.
I don't want this to be too harsh but there are people who thrive by being nearby when we first experience the loss of someone we love.
Now lately it seems that she has largely withdrawn her support. I've sensed a strong shift in her attitude.
I think that sometimes a person will withdraw when things aren't exactly going to "her" plan. Does that make any sense?
At first I blamed myself which I have a tendency to do. I felt guilty about being so needy even though she seemed to thrive on it.No guilt!!
I spoke to my therapist, and he says she sounds like a "rescuer;" someone who comes on strong in their support because they get something out of it, but if they don't see you getting better fast, they are disappointed and move on to someone else.The lines get blurred sometimes. Sounds as if she has some boundary issues in that she made herself an intense rescuer. There are boundaries that need to be observed in a situation like you are experiencing. If she had come to you with a more moderate attitude I believe that would have helped both of you more.
It would be easier to accept in someone else, but she had a professional responsibility in the lives of me and my husband, and I think the way she acted was unprofessional. I feel set-up. I grew to rely on her support. Under ordinary circumstances if I had been my normal self, sensing red flags, I probably would have distanced myself from her a little, but I was overwhelmed. So I grew to rely on her; she encouraged it, and then she suddenly became distant.Sometimes people talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I hope that isn't making it out as being simpler than it is. "In over her head, perhaps"?
That hurts. I called her recently. She seemed sort of removed but commented that I seem mad at her. I told her that I was hurt by her shift in attitude.I think she lost sight of the pain and could be making it about her now.
She told me she thinks I am upset because I have abandonment issues stemming back to my parents and my husband dying. I may have abandonment issues, but that doesn't take away from her role in the problem. So I'm wrestling with how I should deal with this. Maybe I should just accept that she helped for awhile, take it for what it is, be grateful for her past support, and accept that she is no longer a significant resource for me. It's complicated though. She is a part of my life: I'm involved in congregational activities, so I see her a lot besides on Sundays, and now I don't feel comfortable around her.I think you're on the right track. Detachment and expect less from her. I find it really telling that she is telling you that you have the problem. Kinda makes me angry with her. Being DXed by your pastor now isn't very helpful.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. It reminds me of someone taking their dolls and going home. Her expectations of the roles you both would play sounds way off for me.
xoxoxo Pat
>
>
Posted by Cass on February 25, 2009, at 19:05:35
In reply to Re: Despair, despair, despair, posted by fayeroe on February 25, 2009, at 17:26:56
Wow, Pat. I appreciate your comments so much. Thank you! I feel better. It totally makes sense to me when you say things didn't go according to "her plan." That just resonates with me as being true. It's such a sticky situation. I sensed boundary issues with her and I wish I had had the strength to distance myself from her a bit. I also confided in her a lot of sensitive information about myself which I now regret doing. Like I said, when I went into this crisis I needed her support. But now I have been distancing myself from her a lot more. As for dx'ing me, yep, I was annoyed; she seems to be a wanna-be therapist. At the same time, she's not taking responsibility for her role in the conflict.
Another issue I need to contend with is that I'm signed up for a class she's teaching at the beginning of this month. I agreed to take another lady to the class who cannot drive; otherwise I would just not go to the class. I doubt anyone else will be available to take this lady because I live close to her, and it would probably be out of the way for others. Not sure what to do about that.
On a better note, I've started my outpatient treatment program for depression/grief. Being there is giving me a sense of hope.Pat, how are you doing after the passing of your dog? I'm so sorry for that loss. I'm sure you're experiencing a great deal of grief.
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