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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on October 7, 2009, at 3:37:52
This board is dead, I know. Where else do I put this stuff? It's late, I have to get up early, I had an awful awful day. It felt like the world weighed a ton on me and tomorrow it's going to be every bit as heavy again, and I'll be sleep deprived to boot.
Maybe this SSRI-free thing is already failing. It's been a long time since I've felt 'in crisis' to this point.
There's nobody there when I need someone to be there. I hate spilling my distress over onto others. I'm privileged. My life is easy by so many measures.
Yet it feels I can't cope. I don't mean I want to kill myself, I just want to have a breakdown and spend a few days under a blanket and not go to work. But taking a mental health day at this point would definitely show a weakness that would be used against me. I work in a jungle. It's an evil, awful setup. It's stress-inducing and soul-destroying. I stay out of fear that it's the best I can do, to be struggling in this awful place.
Jeez, I don't know who to talk to, I really don't.
I feel different, and I feel like saying different things, more honest things. Is that poor judgement out of wacked out neurotransmitters? Or healthy increase in assertiveness. How can I tell? I'm alone. Really alone.
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2009, at 8:42:56
In reply to Bad day, senseless post, posted by Tabitha on October 7, 2009, at 3:37:52
Hmmm....
Do medications help us live with bad situations? Or do lack of medications make bad situations even worse.
Your job has been a source of stress and unpleasantness for a long time. What else could you picture yourself doing? What would be the risks and rewards?
I hate to suggest a pet to someone who doesn't want one, but there is a huge difference in loneliness (for me) between an empty house and a house with another living breathing being or two.
((( Tabitha )))
Posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2009, at 10:43:44
In reply to Re: Bad day, senseless post » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2009, at 8:42:56
Yes the boards are all dead. No where to talk anymore. Meds or no meds the world does seem like a jungle. Phillipa
Posted by Tabitha on October 7, 2009, at 12:35:17
In reply to Re: Bad day, senseless post » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2009, at 8:42:56
> Your job has been a source of stress and unpleasantness for a long time.So true. It's one of those things I get embarrassed to complain about, because it exposes the fact that I've been putting up with it for so long, and yet I still have no clear plan to make a change.
>
> I hate to suggest a pet to someone who doesn't want one, but there is a huge difference in loneliness (for me) between an empty house and a house with another living breathing being or two.
>I actually do have a pet now. I rescued a poor wayward creature wandering where she didn't belong, and made a little habitat for her in the yard. Winter brings care complications that I haven't yet solved.
> ((( Tabitha )))Thanks, dear.
Posted by Tabitha on October 7, 2009, at 12:36:27
In reply to Re: Bad day, senseless post, posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2009, at 10:43:44
> Yes the boards are all dead. No where to talk anymore. Meds or no meds the world does seem like a jungle. Phillipa
Yup. This is how it feels now.
Posted by Deneb on October 7, 2009, at 15:05:31
In reply to Bad day, senseless post, posted by Tabitha on October 7, 2009, at 3:37:52
(((((Tabitha)))))
I hope you feel better soon. Work sounds stressful. Can you do some run things after work or on the weekends to de-stress?
Posted by Tabitha on October 8, 2009, at 0:30:18
In reply to Re: Bad day, senseless post » Tabitha, posted by Deneb on October 7, 2009, at 15:05:31
Thanks, sweetie. I do need a little mini-break. Some fun is in order for this weekend.
Posted by jane d on October 8, 2009, at 2:04:15
In reply to Bad day, senseless post, posted by Tabitha on October 7, 2009, at 3:37:52
> I feel different, and I feel like saying different things, more honest things. Is that poor judgement out of wacked out neurotransmitters? Or healthy increase in assertiveness. How can I tell? I'm alone. Really alone.Tabitha,
I've never been able to tell the difference. At least not until after the fact. I've also stayed in an awful soul destroying job because I thought I had no choice. Now I think depression skewed my judgment and kept me from seeing alternatives. But I've also, when under the influence of hormones or med changes, seen OK situations as worse than they are. I hate that feeling of not being able to trust my own gut reactions.
Being able to survive in a jungle is an achievement you can be proud of. Perhaps that toughness is transferable to a better job?
jane
Posted by Dinah on October 8, 2009, at 4:44:24
In reply to Re: Bad day, senseless post » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on October 7, 2009, at 12:35:17
> So true. It's one of those things I get embarrassed to complain about, because it exposes the fact that I've been putting up with it for so long, and yet I still have no clear plan to make a change.
No reason to be embarrassed. A job is something that has so many layers upon layers of meaning and rewards.
My job is undoubtedly bad for my health. And I've gotten enough feedback from other employees who quit to know that my frustration with my bosses is not uniquely my own.
It's often frustrated me about myself that despite those facts, I cling to my job. I beat myself up over the fact that I preferred to stay someplace safe in familiarity, even when I saw the health consequences.
But each time I thought about quitting and didn't, I realized that it just wasn't that easy. There were benefits to my job that I might not find elsewhere, and not just monetary. If I thought about the monetary aspects, it would be even more complex. Like it or not, I've got obligations, and making sure I'm able to meet them *is* important.
In the end I've decided that I am making the conscious decision to stay at my job, at this moment. My decision may change in the future. With that decision, some of the feelings of being a trapped animal lessened. Maybe because I didn't feel as helpless. I was making the best decision for me among a range of decisions that were less than ideal. Which let me quit beating myself up a bit and start trying to just make the best of it, and figure out ways to mitigate some of the least healthy aspects of it.
I'm not sure I'm explaining it well. In some ways it's a subtle difference, but in some ways it isn't at all. Do you think it's at all possible to evaluate your future from this point on as if you were evaluating accepting a job offer? And if staying is actually the best decision for you, given the alternatives, make the choice to accept your current position? Of course your evaluation may also be that it isn't the right decision for you.
Argh. I really don't know if I'm explaining it well. And of course I'm not sure if others would find it as helpful as I did. And even as it is, I'm still finding that my job affects my health, and my health affects my ability to do my job.
It's complex. There's no need to be embarrassed to complain about it.
Posted by Tabitha on October 9, 2009, at 0:25:57
In reply to Re: Bad day, senseless post, posted by jane d on October 8, 2009, at 2:04:15
> I hate that feeling of not being able to trust my own gut reactions.
Yes, that's the worst part. It's enough to drive one to prayer. If I can't be my own stable ground, then where do I find any?
>
> Being able to survive in a jungle is an achievement you can be proud of. Perhaps that toughness is transferable to a better job?
>
> jane
>Thank you, jane. But I haven't acted tough, just endured. This thing is prompting me to fight back. Maybe it's a nudge I needed.
Posted by Tabitha on October 9, 2009, at 0:30:40
In reply to Re: Bad day, senseless post » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on October 8, 2009, at 4:44:24
Dinah, I think I know exactly what you mean. There is a great relief in deciding that you have made a decision to be where you are. Even though being where you are is obviously some form of decision to stay there, it's not the same as truly deciding.
This is the end of the thread.
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