Posted by liz on April 15, 2000, at 20:51:12
In reply to Follow-up, posted by In Need on April 15, 2000, at 17:01:33
Dear In Need; the fact that you are able to take all the encouraging words to heart is a good sign! I don't have much experience with some of the pain you describe, and I need to learn more. Help me and others understand even more, beyond what you have already. Please hang in there! Give it some time, please! Re-read some of the posts from people who have been where you are now. They all somehow found some hope of a better future and I sincerely believe you will too. If anyone one of us ends it prematurely, we have lost the ability to find that hope that I know is there. It is a process, it may take some time, but please take that time! Allow your meds and your therapist the opportunity to help alleviate some of your anxieties and pain. I know this is possible! If you need to, get to a hospital or call a hotline. Something comes to mind and I can't remember the direct quote, but it comes from "No Man is an Island". The gist is that we are not "islands" floating out there alone; that we are all diminished by the disaffection or loss of another. I know that in this seemingly impersonal world, we go through our days thinking that no one knows how we feel or what we are thinking; we think they are indifferent. But I know, if people could really read ME, most would rush to my aid! We just don't cry out enough sometimes for their interest or attention. So I'm in total agreement with you that you might need to shed some of the negative people around you and that you need to be more assertive about how you really feel. That approach has worked wonders for me! When I recently confessed to people around me how I really felt, they were very supportive. I'd just hidden it so well, no one knew! Well, I don't know that I've been helpful, but your post really got to me and I thought I'd go out on a limb and write to you - something I'm not very comfortable doing! I'm going to keep you in my thoughts and will pray (and I'm not the religious sort) that you will continue to feel uplifted by the support of people that care! I might also suggest that you hand your gun to someone else for the time being. Please, please, continue to draw sustenence from the people here who really care about you! I think we all sense that you have much to contribute if you just allow yourself the time for that contribution to find its voice!! Take care of yourself, Liz
************************************************You say you want to help others and I know you can if you're with us!! You just haven't had the opportunity yet to see where you can be of help to others. I know that will come soon!!
You all have no idea how deeply I appreciate your responses. I am in a particularly bad place right now, and in a way, I can see that it comes from having better self-esteem. For instance, the reason I have almost no friends right now is because I am no longer willing to put up with thier lack of support and condescending attitudes. Like I said before, I tend to very non-judgmental with friends. I always try to think of something nice to say, even if they did not handle some situation as well as they could have. Friendship isn't about putting people down, but that attitude never seems to be mutual. I don't get it in return, so I'm lonely right now. I'm shedding the old unsupportive friends, and hopefully, I will make new friends who will respect me. I know I need to be more assertive. It is hard for me, though. I find it incredibly draining. Maybe I'm having growing pains. I also feel very unhappy that my presence on earth does not help others more (I mean on a wider scale than friendship.) I want to be more helpful to others, but I don't know how to direct myself. I have always had that problem. I do see a psychiatrist, and right now we are working on finding the right meds. Am I in a dangerous place? Yes, I think I still am. Last night while having a glass of wine, I thought, "Maybe I should just do it now while I am feeling good. Maybe I should just get it over with." I own a gun, but I would never give it up. I want the power to exit life if I decide to. I'm sorry this is so morose. Forgive me. This is the voice of depression, I suppose. Don't worry, though. I probably will not hurt myself. Your responses have made me feel wanted on this earth. Thank-you so much from the bottom of my heart.
poster:liz
thread:29931
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000411/msgs/30170.html