Posted by Andre Allard on June 6, 2000, at 0:13:02
In reply to Re: Ratios--women to men, posted by Cindy W on June 5, 2000, at 21:17:43
"What was making you so very down" you ask. Well, it was not like I spent the entire day in complete tears, could not take any more and then decided to put all the misery to and end once and for all.
It was a Friday night on residence and I had just come home from the gym. My muscles and entire body for that matter were deteriorating so that was not a good start (my looks means a lot to me). After spending some time in the change room, looking in the mirror at a physique which had once competed in bodybuilding competions but that had shriveled into what looked like skin and bone, my self-esteem had plumited from negative 1 too about negative trillion. Like I said, I had just come home and for some reason all my roomates were out. This made me feel even more like a looser as I realized that I was going to spend the night alone weeping like a little baby. I remember getting something to eat and then saying to myself "f___k this". That horrible and excrutiating pain that I felt, which stemmed from a breakup with my first love, two anxiety disorders and a full blown major depressive episode, had taken its toll. Into my bedroom I went, where I decided to do what I had been doing for the last few months - self medicate myself, or get some kind of buzz that would releive that "feeling". Inside my cabinet were roughly 15 lorazepam, 30 clonazepam, 5 herbal valium, 20 aspirin and 10 codiene. Once by one, I poored all the pills down my throte and into my ulcered stomach. I got tired of swollowing all those pills so I decided to put the clonazepam and lorazepam underneath my tongue. "This should speed up the buzz", I thought to myself. Well, it definitely did. Fifteen minutes later I was tipsy and was slurring my speech. Obviously, by this time, I was becoming heavily sedated so I went to bed. The last thing I remeber was feeling butterflies in my stomach as I became nervous while wondering whether this was going to be it or not - even though that was not my intention. Late the next afternoon, some guy who I had never seen before came into my room, woke me up and asked me if I was alright. "Ahh, ya", I replied while still being heavily sedated. Right away I assumed something had happened to me. It seemed my roomates found me on the hall room floor, faceplanted the night before. They picked me up but I collapsed and made another faceplant - I was wondering why my cheekbone was so sore the next day.
It seemed as though the eighty pills I downed did something after all. For the many people who care about me, I am glad I did not pass out for good that night. It is now a over a year since that happened. I look back at that night now and wish that maybe things had turned out differently as I am still battling some depression which at many times I do not want to fight with anymore. My stepmother said something to me a few days after I came home from my first hospitalization, that I will never forget. She said, "Do you know what that would do to your brother"? That phrase plays over and over in my head every day and it is, or I should say HE is the only reason I am not in the ground. Perhaps one day my depression will overcome my love for my brother, sister and many friends. That is to be seen. In the meantime though, I will continue struggling day in and day out until either I do pass out for good or I get hit by a car.
poster:Andre Allard
thread:35809
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000603/msgs/36234.html