Posted by Racer on May 6, 2005, at 17:09:56
I'm having trouble -- my depression has been much, much worse lately, despite a medication adjustment. The past few days, though, I fell off the recovery wagon and must have bumped my head -- because I feel so much better. Why does that happen? How can one recover when the disorder is so dratted effective?
My T does know about the depression, but not about the restricting again. And I had to cancel my next appointment with my nutritional counselor, so she won't know until the appointment after that. (My T is still new, and we haven't really gotten any sort of check in for eating at this point. I suspect that we will need to work something out, though. Maybe sooner than later, but I'm very reluctant to bring it up, since I'm so drattedly ambivalent about recovering from the AN.)
This would be so much easier to work on if it wasn't so effective, you know? Today I feel better than I have in weeks, but only because I've been restricting so heavily for a few days.
I don't know. I know that it's a distortion filter related to the depression, but it seems right now as though I can be mildly depressed, moderately anxious, more hungry than I can describe, and thin -- or heavily medicated, miserable, and FAT. There has to be another option, right?
To make matters worse, I watched something on Frontline the other night about the Nazi concentration camps that showed footage of the prisoners -- both living and dead. While there are the walking skeletons, that made me think things like, "How can that person still be walking? How can that person still be *alive*?" and other normal reactions, there were also a fair number of survivors whom I looked at -- and had to admit that they were not as thin as I was a few months ago. Recognizing that was a real shock to me. I knew I was thin, but not *that* thin, you know? But I looked at things like which bones you could see, and had to admit that some of them had more padding over their bones than I did.
Argh. I guess if it were easy to get over this, I'd be over it by now, huh?
poster:Racer
thread:494632
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20050314/msgs/494632.html