Posted by Racer on December 24, 2005, at 16:37:54
In reply to Re: Lost in conflicts... » Racer, posted by Poet on December 24, 2005, at 11:14:03
You know the worst part, Poet? I've gained so much weight, and I am having so much trouble with that, and I want nothing more than to lose it. I even find myself trying to lose it by restricting.
But there's no question that I want a child. There's no question that that's what I'm trying to do, and that I can't manage to accept being barren. The only problem is that we don't know that I can. It seems so unfair if I find out that I just plain can't, after gaining so much weight on the road to trying.
Reminds me of a pattern when I was younger: my mother would say something like, "If you get rid of those shoes, I'll buy you a new pair." So, I'd get rid of them, and either she'd never hand over the money, or she'd give me $40 to replace a pair of $120 shoes. I always felt kinda bereft, cheated, whatever. And it always hurt so much. I have that same sense now. Wanting to KNOW somehow that I'll get some sort of reward for doing the right thing, even though I already feel as though being so huge is punishment, because I don't deserve to feel good about myself, to be comfortable in my skin.
URGH!
poster:Racer
thread:591799
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20051009/msgs/591945.html