Posted by Racer on December 24, 2005, at 16:47:03
In reply to Re: Suggestions for getting through the holidays » Racer, posted by Poet on December 24, 2005, at 11:27:48
> Any family gathering produces major anxiety in me, which leads to bingeing and purging. I will be repeating my mantra *eating will make me worry about gaining weight. Purging will not end the worry. I cannot purge anxiety* over and over.
>
> PoetThat's a very good point, of course. I just get so frantic and crazed with anxiety taht I feel as though I'll break.
You know what's hardest on me, though? That my mother gets just as bad, that I want to be with her, and that I feel totally rotten to think of not going to a family gathering. Either because I feel as though I'm the one being rejected -- even if it's my choice to reject them -- or because I feel as though I'm throwing my mother to the wolves.
Mom and I had a talk yesterday, where she was saying things like, "You shouldn't care so much./You're not the only one who has problems with the holiday you know./What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I finally said, "No, Mom -- this isn't making me stronger, it's killing me." She said that it shouldn't be, and I finally said, "NO, no more telling me not to feel something. I do feel it. If I could stop feeling it, if I could stop caring, then maybe I wouldn't need to get ripped into small pieces every week in therapy." At least it felt good not to say it really was my fault, the way I usually do. Of course, still feel as though it's my fault, but then again...
Of course, Mom has a lot to do with that. She's always sacrificed me to keep people from attacking her, if that makes sense. And when she's upset, she'll lash out at me, just to get it out. Great way to train a kid to be completely nuts, huh?
Hey, sorry -- I just went off, very anxious and unhappy today. Haven't finished making Christmas presents, and some that I have made are not nearly good enough. I'm not happy, and want to give up.
But I look forward to sitting next to you, Poet, and we can reminisce about Potterville...
poster:Racer
thread:590931
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20051009/msgs/591946.html