Posted by Maxime on April 22, 2007, at 20:05:57
In reply to Fashions in self destruction? Or what?, posted by Declan on April 17, 2007, at 21:13:06
Eating disorders are not new. Women used to starve themselves because they believed it made them "pure". Many Saints have starved themselves in the name of religion.
What the pay off of an eating disorder? For me it's control and way to show my pain on the outside. It all started in effort to disappear because I had been molested and I didn't want anyone to EVER notice me again. So I starved myself.
An eating disorder usually starts off as one thing and then over the years the behaviour is the result of many things. Now I need to be thin because it's the only thing I can control in my life. I can make the numbers go down on the scale and NO ONE can take that away from me. I cling to my disorder because it is safe to me.
Hunger. I love hunger. I love resisting hunger. I get a high from hunger. I love feeling empty ... it makes me feel safe and pure. I want to be empty.
I also self-injure. What is the reward? I cut for two reasons:
1. When I can't feel anything at all and I need to know that I am still alive, I will cut and once I see the blood I feel better. It brings me back to "reality" in way.
2. When I am feeling too much. Too much anxiety and stress ... I cut. It's like a release. I imagine that it is similiar to how someone who purges feels after they purge.
Clearly all of these things are screwed up coping mechanism, but they are all I've got. I don't do it for fashion.
Maxime
> There's no better place to post this than here.
>
> It seems to me, rightly or not, that eating disorders and self injury (of the modern sort) are relatively recent in the frequency of their occurence.
> I know people have always damaged themselves with suicide, alcohol, drugs, guns and fast cars and that has never been a mystery to me.
>
> But eating disorders and self injury *are* a mystery to me. It's hard to see what the pay off is.
>
> Please ignore this if you find it offensive.
poster:Maxime
thread:750853
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20061124/msgs/752557.html