Posted by Jost on October 26, 2006, at 22:19:19
The problem is, my T doesn't believe in me at all, unless I'm doing well.
the instant I'm not doing well, he seems to flip into this very censorious, doom-and-gloom laden voice, and scowl, and look away from me, and cut off whatever I say.
I also tend to cut him off when he does this, because when I'm upset (to use a word), I get very rapid-fire and hyper. My mind can be clearer than I sound-- although not always-- although I think if you looked and listened closely you could tell the difference-- although maybe it's asking too much to expect that level of awareness, of me, under pressure (or at all).
I can tell the difference markedly, when I'm upset and listening, and upset and not.
My T and my SigO can't tell any difference, or don't seem to-- and act as if I'm just as irrational and completely convinced that something horrible has happened (as opposed to something bad, but remediable, or something not as bad as I imagine)-- as I used to when I really couldn't see any possiblity of that, and would only try to convince anyone to accept my version of the meanings of things.
This particular expression and way of acting makes me even crazier-- or makes me feel more desperate-- because it's as if there's no recognition of the part of me that could make it better-- as if the other person insists on my being the worst, most out of control aspect of myself, rather than the better, more able to listen and adapt part.
When I try to talk about that-- tosay that I'm listening or that I can listen-- he just sees that as disingenuous-- I guess-- because he denies that I can, or will, or am--and insists that I'm being impossible.
Which makes me more impossible. I really think I'm going to go in start screaming at him tomorrow-- which will undoubtedly turn the really good things we've done recently into an emotional melee-- or I'll have to keep the scream inside-- and try to listen and be still, and wait in this tomb-like detachment until he realizes that I"m not saying anything and then decides it means I've come to my senses more. But I don't want to. It's incredibly hard, and I just wish to h*&l he could realize that-- and not start on that path with me.
He's always been this way-- and it's always pushed things to the worse-- although in different ways when I had a harder time-- and I"m so tired of having to go through so much to convince him and my SigO that I"m not crazy-- when I"m basically not, even if I am worked up and trying too hard to explain.
Even if I am sometimes unreachable , more often I'm not--
I'm dreading tomorrow. I really would rather not go. It's been a good week-- and it's not right, somehow. I feel, perhaps incorrectly, but I do feel, that a different response would evoke a very different and much better response in me.
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:698061
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060921/msgs/698061.html