Posted by scratchpad on March 13, 2007, at 12:06:20
In reply to Re: what happened?? » scratchpad, posted by AuntieMel on March 12, 2007, at 17:59:48
> You looked pretty great to me when I met you. I was envious of your poise.
>You are too kind, AM.
> Did you get frumpy in a year and a half??
I think I have put on 5 pounds since I saw you.
It feels like a matter of taking good care of myself, and really not feeling that I'm worth the trouble. The blood pressure issue is what triggered this round. I've been borderline high in the past, and it's resolved itself. I've also been on medication for it (which is what I had hoped my doctor would suggest this time). Part of the problem is that I'm fixating on this horribly; when I go to bed I kind of clutch my rolls and worry them. I tried putting my hands on top of the covers but that creates its own anxiety, especially for someone who struggles with sleep.
So, I'm walking. I'm yoga-ing. I'm eating healthy and fresh. And I'm miserable. My T thinks this is a very big problem for me. That it's HATE. This is true.
I can recall the exact summer when my body "blossomed" and I experienced abuse by a stranger in a playground. I can remember my mom making me feel that it was my fault. I remember trying to talk to her about periods and stuff, and she said, "don't they show a movie at school about that?" I hate myself because of the shame that I've been taught. I can't look at a magazine, watch a tv show, or read a newspaper without seeing all the ways a better looking body can be sold to us. My hairstylist even talked me out of letting my gray hair grow out.
I'm just a mess right now.
poster:scratchpad
thread:739018
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20061105/msgs/740688.html