Posted by WorryGirl on May 8, 2007, at 19:07:32
In reply to People don't seem to like me, posted by DannaB on February 19, 2007, at 21:55:27
It really is amazing how similar your story is to mine. I really want you to know that you ARE an interesting person and would make a great friend to many different types of people. Please don't give up! They are out there and your life will become more enriched when your paths cross.
Like you, I had a messed up childhood. I was severerely picked on when I was 12-13 years old and was never defended by another student or teacher. I was extremely criticized at home. By high school I had made a few friends (never the "cool" ones, of course). I cherished those friends but we all ended up going our separate ways after high school.
Many years, several jobs and one failed marriage already under my belt, I realized a destructive pattern. People would always like me at first, thinking I was pretty with a decent, if shy personality. Then it was like something clicked on in me that started to make me try too hard, as if I was going to lose the relationship. I tried just as hard with co-workers as I did with neighbors, would-be friends, and even strangers on the street. After a while, those who I thought liked me seemed to be snickering behind my back. I wasn't really saying anything wrong, I probably just seemed really insecure. Then, as I felt them pull back, I tried even harder to be nice (classic people-pleaser tendency). Then, when I realized that they really didn't want me in their social network, I slunk away with my tail between my legs and only spoke to them when necessary.
Honey, it truly is all about perception, meaning that how people perceive your self-esteem to be is how they will treat you. I was treated badly, rudely, or coldly for many years until I started to realize that I had to come across more confidently; even if I didn't feel it, I was going to have to fake it. It was scary as hell and sometimes still is. I have been through many years of pills and therapy now. I think that all of those other people who seem to be included in the social groups are just good at faking it.
Once you get their confidence in you (because they see your confidence in yourself), you can let your hair down a little. Eventually you will find that you don't necessarily want to be friends with all of the people you thought you did. I used to think I had to be nice to everyone and get them to be my friend. Now I know that I can pick and choose. I am nice to all, then when I have found people who I feel a special bond with, I can share more of my private life with them.
I struggle with anxiety, both general and social and depression. I struggle with OCD and bulimia, as well. I am so far from perfect and always will be. What is amazing to me is that I used to feel that I had to hide all this crap. That if these people found out they would really dislike me. But the funny thing is that when I open up to others about my problems (after using my intuition about who I can trust), they end up feeling much closer to me and because I opened up they feel free to reciprocate.
None of this happened overnight, but suddenly it all seemed OK.
I will be thinking about you and hoping things start turning around for you whether it be meds, therapy or meeting some great people.
poster:WorryGirl
thread:734320
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20070330/msgs/756906.html