Posted by Worry Girl on June 26, 2007, at 19:56:37
In reply to New + need help!, posted by Crazy Mommy on April 9, 2007, at 20:48:11
Welcome...
Hope I don't scare you with this long post. I just can so relate to your situation.
I'm new, too, in the sense that I hadn't really started posting again until about 2 months ago. My youngest was about 1 1/2, I think, when I first joined PB.
You sound like me back then, and even still now at times. Way back, it was like I just had a hard time coping with everything. I was equally overwhelmed and bored by motherhood and was in denial about longing for the freedom that I once enjoyed.
Part of the problem could be from sleep deprivation - if you are experiencing insomnia that makes a HUGE difference in your mood. I, too, suffered from it along with the snoring husband who didn't quite get why I was in a nastier mood than he was when I had to get up in the middle of the night once I had FINALLY gone to sleep.
I, too, had a beautiful house that I could not seem to keep in order, while all of the neighbors around me kept theirs impeccable (no exaggeration here). I didn't want anyone coming to my house because I was embarrassed at how untidy it was compared to theirs (not that they were beating down my door anyway!). I finally got a housekeeper to come once a month to do the really heavy deep cleaning and I was even embarrassed at what they would think!
I do believe that anxiety was and always has been at the root of everything. If I had a touch of post-partum, the anxiety just made it worse. My social anxiety tripled during that time and I felt judged by everyone. To make matters worse, at the time I lived in an area where the people did tend to be quite judgmental, catty and competitive. So I obviously didn't enjoy taking hours to get ready to go out and face that.
Moving two years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. I still have anxiety, but not so bad as it was during that time. My heart goes out to you, because I know how challenging this time of your life must be.
I used to think I was bipolar, but I realize now, that depression was rarely ever the problem. What seemed like mania was actually intensified anxiety and as an adult, it has reared its ugly head hardest in me right after giving birth to my second child, and living in an area where I felt like I didn't belong.
I was on everything from Depakote to Wellbutrin a few years ago. I have to say Wellbutrin probably worked the best, but it left my hands trembling so I looked like an alcoholic with my bloodshot eyes (from lack of sleep no less!) when I went out in public. But it did lift my mood and I felt that I got a lot more done when I was on it. Maybe it could help you?
BTW, Depakote was the worst. I gained weight (not good when trying to overcome an eating disorder and trying to lose post-partum baby weight). I wanted to sleep and eat all the time and had no motivation for anything else. Zoloft made me feel spacey and disconnected.
I took a friend's Adderol once and it made my heart race but at the same time strangely calm. The feeling scared me enough that I never took it again.
Currently I am not on medication. I slowly weaned myself off a few years ago and often wonder if I shouldn't return to something. I relieve much of my anxiety with exercise and taking flaxseed oil and various supplements. But when that feeling comes on strong enough, only a Xanax will do.
If it makes you feel better, almost every new mom I know says that it takes forever to do anything when you have a little one still in diapers. This, too, will pass, although it may not seem like it now. Now that mine are a lot more self-sufficient it takes away so much stress.
I wish you the best and truly care. I hope you find what works for you.
poster:Worry Girl
thread:748581
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20061013/msgs/766029.html