Posted by PanicFreak on February 8, 2003, at 12:14:52
Well, I don't know what the next 24 hours will be like, but I have a bad feeling.
Let me introduce myself. I am a 36 year old male from California, USA, who has been suffering Panic Attack Disorder for 19-20 of those years. I was just sure it was insanity, so I drank booze and was able to "function" a bit. It didn't take long for the booze to destroy my body, and leave me bleeding out of every hole in my body. After doing the "kick booze" thing, this damn panic thing came up out of the dark past. I tried to ignore it... but it drove me to the point of breakdown and staying locked inside my home for months on end. That was the first time I saw a doctor about it. He refered me to the Pdoc and I knew the jig was up. I was crazy and now I was caught. I decided to let it all go and let the chips fall where they would. So, this Pdoc says I have Panic Attack Disorder with Agoraphobia and starts me on Xanax and Serzone. The dose of Xanax got up to 8mg a day before the panic was gone... but the Serzone did nothing but give me some bad side-effects. The same set of effects (more or less) that the SSRIs gave me in the following year or two. After going through all these SSRI medications, the Pdoc decided that was it. He just told me he couldn't help, go find someone else and that was it. That was my first experience with what I found out later was benzo withdrawal. For several weeks I was a mess. Totally house-bound and screaming for ambulances. The dizziness was so intense that I knew I was dieing. Anxiety became a 24 hour thing. I finally got out of the mess by buying a trunk full of booze and sat in my house. I got through it and wasn't too bad off with the booze... until one night I discovered the DTs. That was worse than the benzos WD. Just a complete mess. They told me to seek help and I stopped the booze and sought out another Pdoc. Again, it was a benzo (clonazepam) and the SSRI "merry-go-round" I had done before. He told me it would be safer with clonazepam vs. xanax... and it seemed to work. He scribed up to 3mg a day, but I got by with 1-2mg a day. After we began to run out of the SSRIs to try, and he started talking about some "older AD's" I decided that I had it figured out! All I needed was the clonazepam and I was free of the panic and agoraphobia. This was the case over the last 8 years of my life. The dose did get to 3mg a day, and I was going to Mexico to get as many as I could. Then 9-11 happened and I wasn't going back to Mexico or anywhere. I had I large supply, so I didn't worry about it. I thought I could find a Pdoc and work on the PAD before I ran out. Well...
Here I am with ONE MILLIGRAM left. I was trying to cut back, but the rebound of panic and outright insanity was bad. It came to a head yesterday, when I decided to skip the noon dose and go one in the AM one in the PM. I went to sleep at 1 pm and woke around 4 pm. I was in mortal fear. I knew I was going to die, but I was not sure I could wait. I was in total insanity. I could not tell if I was awake or real. I was crying and screaming. My "safe person" who has grown VERY tired of my situation was "going out" and I knew I couldn't make it. I made this person take the pistol out of the house and took 1mg of Clonazepam. I had never really felt suicidal... but in that instant, I didn't know what I would do... or if I would have control.After, 30-45 minutes, I was MUCH better and decided that I was in BIG trouble. Today is the day. It's a Saturday of course, so I suppose I will need to go to an emergency room at the local hospital. I don't know what else to do. I can't even THINK of going through another episode like that. I am so scared, so scared. I don't want to die, or end up in a mental hospital.
So, that's me today. Getting ready to step off the end of the earth. What a mess. So, how are you doing?
PanicFreak
poster:PanicFreak
thread:2548
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030203/msgs/2548.html