Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2003, at 18:50:03
In reply to Re: OK. Now I'm sure of it., posted by fallsfall on September 30, 2003, at 16:53:13
I wouldn't say that I don't want the intimacy. I've fought pretty hard to build a good therapeutic relationship. I've made really good online friendships.
When I said that people don't change, I was talking about my experience with my nearest and dearest over the years. I have no reason to believe that people change.
Well, that's not entirely true. My mother used to regularly rage at me, and say very hurtful things like I was no longer her daughter and she hated me. It used to hurt like h*ll. Then one day I looked at her, and she wasn't my mother anymore. The emotional connection was gone. She no longer had the power to hurt me. And in time she saw that and quit her behavior. Because at that point the relationship was more important to her than it was to me. And she knew I would just walk off if she started that nonsense, while we could have an amicable relationship as long as she was pleasant. Did she change? I suppose her behavior did. But I'd never trust her again with my heart.
My father was subject to black moods that lasted for months. You just didn't want to talk to him or have him notice you at those times. Then other times he was the dad I loved. He never was physically abusive to any of us, but he was emotionally abusive to my mother and brother. He'd say the most horrible things about my brother, how worthless he was, stuff like that. He'd threaten to kill people, including my mom. He didn't do more than yell at me about my immediate actions. Or tell me my flaws, maybe. As his favorite person, I was exempt from the worst. I do love him. But leave my heart open and vulnerable to him? I don't think so. And he never has changed either, except to get more bitter with age.
And my husband doesn't change either. He is a nice guy overall, but rather dense emotionally. Even my therapist (who's met him) won't tell me that it's safe to open my heart and be vulnerable to him.
Do I want intimacy in my life? Yes, I do. And I keep trying, even though my major lesson in life is that it brings pain. But I still think that people just don't change. They either are safe people or they aren't. And you learn that by experience. And if you learn they are safe up to a certain point, you don't cross that point. And you enjoy what you have of them. Just as I enjoy what I have of my parents and my husband but don't really expect any more. People are what they are. I don't really understand why my therapist challenges my opinion on that. I really don't understand.
poster:Dinah
thread:264237
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030925/msgs/264567.html