Posted by aloe on November 7, 2003, at 15:14:38
Sometimes i feel so lost and scared and i'm so filled with dread. I sit on my bed and sob, holding my knees in sort of a sitting up fetal position, and i just rock. and cry. I did it today after my psych appointment. Everything has just gotten worse since I started seeing a doc back in july. logic tells me to stop doing things that make me feel this bad and hopeless. that means I should stop going to therapy and thinking about all these things that break me down. I want to bury these thoughts back where they lived for so long in the back of my mind. I forgot these things on purpose, and it doesn't appear to be doing me any good to bring them back up.
I have never shed a tear in my pdoc appointments until today when there were just a couple. I don't think he noticed, which is good. It's so hard for me to explain to him how bottomed-out I feel sometimes. So i left his office today and I sobbed in my car until I could see enough to drive. I couldn't even go back to work so i went home and sobbed, rocking, then i sat in the tub letting the water run over me. As usual the feeling passed in about 20 minutes, and I've felt pretty optimistic ever since. But I do this all the time... I'll be so consumed by despair that i can't function and I can't imagine performing daily activities and doing things i love (running, lifting, etc). i pull my eyelashes out. i almost break up with my boyfriend. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and this year i just want to be alone. I'll tell my parents that i'm going to Bfriend's house, and I'll tell B'friend i'm going to my parent's place. I want to be alone. but i want help. i want out. i contemplate calling my pdoc even on the weekends so he can hear me and understand that I don't just "cry often." I feel like calling someone because i need to reach out to someone and not be alone, but there isn't anyone. i don't want anyone to know. i feel crazy. this is all so new to me. i don't understand who i am. what happened to me? what's going to happen to my life? Are these fits emotional breakdowns? what do i do?
poster:aloe
thread:277524
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031030/msgs/277524.html