Posted by Karen_kay on December 23, 2003, at 14:44:59
In reply to Re: I'm still here. (long) » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on December 23, 2003, at 13:41:23
"It wasn't that bad and I got over it."
Those are my thought precisely. I feel like everythign that I have gone through really isn't that bad. I'm holding up just fine. There's no need to talk about it and bring things up that just don't need to be brought up. Why cause myself undue stress when it just isn't necessary.
But, I realize.... Hey, maybe there is a reason I can't remember anything about my childhood (and I mean ANYTHING). And maybe there is a reason that I can't remember my own age. And maybe there is a reason that I can't love my boyfriend, even though I desperately want to... Do you see what I'm getting at. It has taken my therapist quite a bit of convincing, but he has (FINALLY) made me realize that holding this in and not talking about it is affecting me in other ways. I've known for a while that I've had to deal with things. I just thought it was my mother's abuse and my father's death. I didn't think it was this as well.
But, you know what? I didn't have to study nearly as hard for my finals :) And I remembered things that I needed to. That's all the proof I needed. And I'm 24 years old. And my boyfriend's birthday is August 26. These are things that 3 months ago I wouldn't have been able to tell you right off of the top of my head.It isn't selfish to want to get better. It isn't weak. And just because it "seems" like you made it through before, doesn't make it so. It is like being physically ill. If you get a cold and don't take time to rest and heal, then you may develope bronchitis. If you still don't rest, it could lead to phnemonia. Who knows where it could go from there.... And you can't tell me you are the very best person you could be if your mental health is suffering.
I have a friend who is constantly telling me I need to quit therapy and quit taking medication (I have Bipolar Disorder and take a mood stabilizer only, with no side effects). I used to be hurt by that remark. I was talking to a different friend about that comment and she helped put it into perspective. She told me that my other friend just has enough faith that I can do it myself. Man, I wish I had that kind of faith in myself. But, with all of the progress I've made at this point, I'm not quitting therapy. Not until I find answers. Not until I'm healed. Not until I come to terms with what happened and I'm satisfied. That doesn't mean that I want to know eveything that happened, far from it. I just want to know that I'mnot crazy. I just want to know that everything's ok. And I just want to be able to have some feeling again. That's all I want. Oh, and I want to stop grinding my teeth!!!!!The thing that bothers me though is the fact that I feel that my therapist isn't there for me. He's there during our session together. But, that's it. If I were to call him during a crisis, I would be needy (I too hate that). Maybe it has to do with feeling like a child. And as a child, our needs weren't met. And we assume they won't be met again. So, we've learned to ignore our own needs and focus on the needs of others. So, I don't call my therapist during a crisis. I did once. He wasn't receptive. I had a flashback and tried to get an earlier appointment. He didn't return my call. When I saw him that day he said, "I saw you called again." JERK!!!!
poster:Karen_kay
thread:292631
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031221/msgs/292851.html