Posted by Lyrical13 on January 1, 2004, at 15:30:44
In reply to Re: therapists sticking up for one another, posted by naiad on January 1, 2004, at 12:03:24
yes I am extremely angry and upset. That is probably why since writing that post today I've been a bit sad and a little weepy. It happened over 10 years ago and still affects me very much. I have told very few people about it and I'm always worried that people won't believe what I say. That they'll think that I was the problem and that I belonged in a psych hospital. the whole experience has made me doubt myself and my thoughts/feelings etc. For a long time I had several big questions...and still do to some extent although now I know that the system and that hospital were FUBARed and not me...I did and do have psych problems (depression/anxiety and apparently BP2) but those problems have been much worse since that experience. I think it hurt me more than helped me. I felt completely violated as if I had been raped. There was a period of time that's lost...I passed out at about 4pm. I transferred to the psych hospital at around 10pm. I was probably awake and arguing with sheriff and CMH folks for a couple hours before that so that leaves from about 4-8pm that I have no idea what happened. And I haven't been able to get any answers. I was working with a counselor after that and trying to figure out what happened to me so that I could heal and go on (as much as possible) but had difficulty getting my hands on hospital records. First of all I was in 3 different hospitals. First ER in Denton TX. Then to Twin Lakes in Denton which was nearby psych facility (I'm very nervous about giving actual names but it will make story easier to tell than for reader to try to figure out which hospital I'm talking about when I mention hospital A,B,C etc...I'm still worried about telling people my "Secret". feel a lot of shame about this...probably similar to what a rape or other abuse victim feels. crying again.
I need to get this out though. I've talked about this in counseling a lot...but various counselors. Every year in college there was a differnt counselor cause it was all psych students. Didn't get a consistent counselor till I moved back to my home state (MI) and was in grad school and having problems. Since 1996 there have only been 2 different counselors.. one I had since 96 off and on and a new one that I just started with this fall.
Anyway, back to my story.... my mom was out of town with her boyfriend at the time...a really weird guy that I barely knew and didn't trust. It was May 1992...Mother's Day weekend. Lots of crap going on leading up to this whole experience but basically my car was broken down, I was supposed to move out of dorm 10/9 which was Saturday but had no idea how I was going to do that with a dead car. Mom was only family in TX (all other family in MI) and she asked me (well, it wasn't REALLY a question) "You don't mind if I go out of town for Mother's Day with (whatever his name was) do you?" Well, I did mind but I was trying to prove my independence.. that I would be OK if she up and moved to Boston even though I had one more year of college... that I could figure things out on my own. After all, I was 23..that's how old she was when she had me and I SHOULD be able to deal with this, right? (just a little sarcasm there) I knew if I objected I'd get the "moms are people too, don't be so selfish" speech...so basically when I went into the hospital Sat night and then transferred to psych hospital late that night (10/9/92) no one in my family knew where I was. That was very scary too. I was afraid I'd be locked away and stuck there and no one would be able to find me and get me out of there. A couple people I worked with knew where I was but I didn't know who to trust at that point. ON the morning of 10/10 (mother's day) they started a glucose tolerance test...living hell... I was in the middle of a major blood sugar reaction and the aftermath of that test when my mom arrived to get me out of there. I dont' remember how she knew I was there. But basically her friend was a nurse at another psych hospital and she told my mom to get me out of there..it was a bad place. In order to get me out, she had to get me transferred to a different psych hospital...she did that by telling the folks there that it was closer to her house...the one I was at was 45 min away or so...I had to sign papers signing myself into the 3rd hospital (HCA Richmond) in orderto get out of the first one. The whole time my head is spinning and I'm trying to concentrate on the pt rights papers...I was thikning "always read it before you sign it" I couldn't concentrate to save my life and my mom was telling me to hurry up (for some reason, even though they told me that if I checked myself in I could check myself out the story changed and they said the judge said I had to stay there...but it was the weekend...what judge?)
Anyway, then I was in the 3rd hospital (which was the 2nd psych hospital) for a month total including inpatient and outpatient. A week after I left teh first hospital it closed...insurance fraud. They lost the results to the GTT so I had to go through that mess again but at least I knew a little bit more what to expect. Never could get any paperwork from that place. Oh and I blame that experience for how long it's taken to figure out that I'm BP2. Why? Because the doc there YELLED at me...he saw me all of 30 min at about 10 or 11 at night after I had passed out from LBS. He hardly even looked at me..sat way across the room from me like I was some pariah. They gave me a sandwich and wonder of wonders, my head started to clear and I started to be able to think and talk more clearly. Well, the next day after I'd already been poked and probed by various docs and nurses, I saw the psychiatrist in his office. He informed me that I was bipolar. I told him that he didn't understand and that I had low blood sugar and it can mimic different things and he cut me off and said I had to listen to him. He got right in my face and screamed at me that I had to listen to him. I yelled that I didn't have to listen to him and stormed out of the room. Well, then at HCA Richmond, I was put on Lithium and that pdoc who was much nicer, but talked to me like I was a raving lunatic, put me on all kinds of other meds. I had every possible medical test you could imagine. That was scary..no one ever told me I was going to be having any tests...I'd never been in any hospital overnight for anyuthing let alone a psych hospital...people are showing up with various tests to do to me and I had no idea if they had the right person or what they were going to do...EMG, EKG, EEG, MRI, GTT, physical, etc etc. EEG was the scariest one because the machine looked ancient and I wondered if it operated correctly. Looked like it had a loose wire or something and could short out and shock me...
Meanwhile, my mom is buddy buddy with the nurse there and knows other people and she's shoving the BP dx down my throat. (she's an RN and "knows everything") So all these years I've had these questions...am I really crazy? Did I have a psychotic break? Am I really manic depressive? What really happened to me? Did I just pass out or did I almost die? (had one of those tunnel of light experiences when I passed out..still don't really know what that was...)
In the back of my mind I've always wondered if I was BP but at the same time I was really afraid that I was...didn't want to be....didn't want that &*$@## doc and my mom to be right. And I didn't think I was ever really manic. Depression and anxiety were/are my big problems. This new doc I have I really like and am starting to trust. He explained everything to me like I was an intelligent competent adult able to make my own decisions. Treats me with dignity and respect not just as the patient but as part of the team...and IMHO I am the most important member of the team...I'm the only one who really knows how I feel...I'm the best expert on my body. He says he thinks it's BP2..which I didnt' even know existed. And the more I read about it, the more I think he's right. If someone had told me this a few years ago, it would have been very traumatic for me. But I'm in a better place now. I can accept it now. But I wonder if I could have accepted it years ago and have avoided a lot of pain and hardship if I hadn't had that awful experience. I guess we'll never know. And all I can do now is go on from here. I know in my heart that it was wrong what happened to me. That the system was sick...even though I do have a mental health disorder...a mood disorder..I'm OK. I'm a good person and each day, each year, I get closer to mental health with the help of my pdoc, therapist, husband and some of my family and oh yeah...medication....big help.
but thanks for your concern. It actually does make me feel good that someone else is as outraged...that someone else thinks that it was a bad situation...it validates my perceptions and makes me feel less "crazy". ...crying again. I supposed PMS isn't helping this situation any! :)
Well, I need to get offline here pretty quick. My sister is having a rough day too and I need to be here for her. She is supposed to come over for a little "PJ party" tonight, which I'm looking forward to. I have lots to do to get the guest room ready for her!
thanks again
L13
poster:Lyrical13
thread:294255
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031221/msgs/295440.html