Posted by helenag on January 20, 2004, at 17:00:24
Well, well, I saw my pdoc for the first time since being discharged last month from the hospital. It was my fifth hospitalization since April and needless to say, he seem(ed)(s) quite frustrated with me. I am saying all this with tongue in cheek because I am angry right now, so here goes. His "pronouncement" to me before discharge was that I was making myself sick. I wish I had had the guts to yell back at him that no one in their right mind goes to a psych ward to while away the time... like I was doing this on purpose. I was "made" to feel like a real wacked out woman. Further, it doesn't help to be an alcoholic, either. He uses that a lot to bear down on me on how it worsens anxiety, etc. etc. even though I may not have even been drinking before cycling into depression or anxiety, or if drinking, very little and very seldom. This time, he added borderline traits to the list, which is true enough. But the way he did it makes me feel so bad about myself.
I've been sober for a few weeks now and told him, and he says "I'm proud of you." Big deal. Like I need his pat on my back. No word about how that is good for me. Then, he says to me, don't take this the wrong way, but, you are so calm today, are you putting this on for me?
Ha!!I told him I was anxious over the weekend about seeing him. It's like seeing the dentist and the gynecologist in one. I then told him I was upset over what he said in the hospital. He said he meant I made choices contrary to health, etc, etc.
I wonder if he is upset because my husband wanted a second opinion while I was in the hospital. We didn't have it done, though. But boy, my pdoc wanted me to be sure to tell the doctor we chose for the second opinion that I wasn't always "compliant." Meaning I didn't always full doses of meds when the side effects were too strong.
What is bothering the most???Anyone who has had as much trouble as me this year feels bad enough putting their family through all the hospital stuff and the worrying...I spend way too much time getting down on myself for mood swings and for having emotional problems. Seeing this doctor yesterday brought all of this up again and now I am looking into that mirror again and seeing a sick wacked out middle aged woman who is all at fault for all of this. And that's just not true.
I get so angry for feeling this way because I know it is unjust to myself, yet there it is.
Thanks for letting me vent. I looked forward to being able to get on the board all day while at work.
Peace, Helen.
poster:helenag
thread:303380
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/303380.html