Posted by fallsfall on March 18, 2004, at 17:32:58
I have been having an incredibly rough time in therapy for a long time. I think today's session was a little better.
He thought I was very angry at him. I don't feel anger at all. All I feel is terror. Terror that I'll do the wrong thing, terror that I'll feel worse when I leave his office than I did when I went in. He thinks I'm afraid of feeling angry. I AM afraid of feeling angry - but I'm not yet convinced that there is anger underneath my terror.
There were times when I WAS angry (like when he said things that were blatently untrue) - and he pointed out, that at that time I had much more clarity and "organization". This was true. He thinks that the anger is sitting just under the surface, and that at those times it "broke through". I still just feel terror, but I don't know that he's wrong.
He says that it is OK to be angry (he thinks it would even be theraputic for me to be angry at him). Anger was never OK when I was growing up. It just didn't exist. If there was a problem we all pretended that everything was fine.
Right up until the end of the session he would say "You just looked at me like you are angry. Do you feel that?", and I would say no.
He thinks that I get depressed and "weepy" and fall apart when I'm angry, because if I do that then people will feel sorry for me and take care of me, but if I get angry people will get angry back. I can agree that when I am falling apart that people do take care of me (and I want them to), and if I get angry that I am afraid that people will get angry back. I'm not sold yet that I fall apart in *response* to feeling angry - instead of acting angry.
He really was sweet and patient today. He was trying to get me to see the possibility that things could be different from how they appear to me. He went over it again and again. He tried to make a couple of jokes (usually a bad mistake...). He said he knew that I was trying because otherwise I wouldn't keep coming back for the torture - when I didn't laugh he told me it was a joke - I told him there was too much truth in it, and he had to agree. As the session went on, he seemed happier - his eyes were smiling. I know that he cares.
So, I accomplished my goal today. I didn't leave the session more unhappy than when I went in. I'll take small accomplishments.
poster:fallsfall
thread:325785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040313/msgs/325785.html