Posted by lonelygirl on April 21, 2004, at 12:11:29
In reply to Procrastination Workbook (long), posted by lonelygirl on April 19, 2004, at 16:17:04
He was so happy to hear that I picked a topic :) He was "proud" of me for working on it. He asked me if it helped, and I said that obviously it did, on some level, because I did it, but I also said that I don't think it was really BECAUSE of going through the workbook. He said, "Of course, I know it isn't that simple," but he was glad it helped.
He is so unbelievably sweet and amazing and perfect. Why, oh why, does he have to be so wonderful? I wish I could believe the nice things he says to me. Sometimes, for a split second, I even allow myself to believe him. It’s sort of like a fantasy -- a glimpse of how it would feel to be a person who is likeable. But then I do a reality check, and recognize that it isn’t realistic. For one thing, there is no causal mechanism -- no real reason for him (or anyone) to like me. For another, there is no data to agree with him; all my real-life experiences just show that I am not likeable in the least. Then I am ashamed for allowing myself to believe something so ridiculous.
Sometimes I wish that I could block out reality -- be unaware of the logical discord between his kind words and the truth of my life -- but I am simply unable to believe anything good said to me. I have all this inner conflict between wanting to believe it and remembering the truth. It would be so much nicer if I could just ignore the truth and delude myself into thinking that I am worthy of his (or anyone’s) positive regard. It is so wonderful when I can let go of reality just for a moment and feel like the good things are true. It is amazing to me that many (most?) people can feel that way all the time, and always believe it, and confirm it in truth. But I always feel like there is something fake or insincere, that anyone who says anything nice is only trying to appease me, to trick me into feeling something that’s phony. Anything good about me is just a tiny detail, intentionally taken out of context and applied to me as a whole -- an overgeneralization, if you will -- and ignoring all the contrary evidence.
poster:lonelygirl
thread:337814
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/338384.html