Posted by DaisyM on April 23, 2004, at 12:13:28
In reply to Not being understood, posted by fallsfall on April 22, 2004, at 20:02:29
>>>Today I alternated between being distressed (because I was "failing") and being silent (because I didn't want to do it "wrong" again). When I left the session I felt like I couldn't even be "wrong" the right way.
<<<I hate that internal screamer that says, "Say SOMETHING, anything! Find an insight! Say something intelligent! Say SOMETHING!" And the silence grows. I retreat into silence too at these really confusing moments. Typically it is because we have touched on something important or painful. My Therapist will give me space but he will also say, "tell me what you are feeling" and I can sometimes list the scared, confused, overwhelmed, etc. feelings I have. Just having words to say helps me. Because I, like you, think silence is wrong in therapy. (we actually had a conversation about silence on Tuesday). My Therapist tells me a lot that silence isn't bad or wrong, he would just like me to try to share the struggle with him so he can help me.
>>>He ended the session by saying that he had no idea what was upsetting me so much. That he wasn't aware of anything on Monday that we talked about that should have been that distressing. Tomorrow he wants me to explain what Monday's session was like for me in detail (gee, wasn't that what I was going to do today?) Great, now I have concrete proof that I'm not understood.
<<<I agree with everyone else. I think he might have been trying to understand what was so upsetting, not telling you NOT to be upset. I'm sorry you felt so misunderstood, but sweetie, this is not "concrete" proof of being wrong or bad. That is your interpretation of not being understood. If you apply logic to this, he would be wrong for not understanding you.
>>>If I have trouble being understood when I try to explain things in a comprehensive way, why does he think he's going to understand me better if I'm rambling and skipping around?
<<<OK, I'm going to say something you won't like. If you try rambling and skipping around, you just might hit on something real and surpassing. I believe that therapy is such an intense relationship that there is so much more going on than the exchange of words. Maybe he doesn't understand what is upsetting you because the words don't really match what his unconscious is sensing. I find that retreating into silence allows me to collect and edit my thoughts, but suppress what consciously or unconsciously I don't want to say. This could be happening with you. My Therapist has asked me to free associate a couple of times and I've always refused, so I'm well aware how frightening "rambling" can actually be. However, you might give it a try and see what happens. (this is definitely "do as I say, not as I do advice!")
>>>He's going to say that I was just trying to prove to him that I'm NOT understood. But I'm not going to give him that chance. I'm not going to get upset that he didn't understand anything I said. I am going to be patient and tomorrow I will go in and try to explain to him in a logical way why I was so upset on Monday.
<<<I agree with Dee. Try leaving your logic at the door. Again, so, so difficult. It is my primary defense weapon, yours too I know.
>>>Why is it that I can't seem to figure out how to *DO* this therapy thing? Why am I always doing it the wrong way - even when I am trying my hardest to follow his directions? Why does it feel like I just can't win?
<<<Because therapy is HARD! Because the deeper you go inside yourself, the more your unconscious pushes you back out. If your primary fear is being wrong or bad, then this would make sense that your unconscious would use this fear to create resistance. I would like to point out that getting better requires "break" throughs...not walk throughs, not glide throughs. You have to keep pounding at it. And you are.
Determined not to freak out tonight.
(((Falls)))
I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone, we are all here for you. I hope today is better than yesterday and you can settle down for the weekend.
Daisy
poster:DaisyM
thread:338953
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339159.html