Posted by B2chica on June 23, 2004, at 9:48:44
Terrics, i don't even need a response...i just need you to listen...please.
The ache is so bad inside i don't know how to even handle it right now...so today i'm numb, i'm pushing it down.i have to.
I had my T appt. yesterday and up till monday night i thought Finally i can start to talk...really talk about MY issues instead of weekly events. Then i got a phone call that was so incredible disturbing..i'm still pretty numb from that. I know this recent phone call is mixing with feelings that i haven't quite delt with or even understand yet. But are mixing and bringing new ones...it's making everything worse.
I would like to tell details about the phone call but if i do i'll probably be permanantly banned from this board. i feel...i feel sick to my stomach.
i tried starting off and just telling my T about the phone call and what happened, but i'm so used to covering my real feelings and not letting anyone see a true reaction that i covered with my T and i think he read my confusion and fear of my TRUE thoughts as being "lonelyness" instead of what they really are. And i couldn't correct him.
and of course i had my standard delayed breakdown last night...wailing and cutting.
I'm so tired of this cycle.
...i'm just not ready, i can't talk about my background, not even to babble. it scares me. i can't risk loosing the people here. Yet i know the reason i've been able to keep the strength to continue even going to my T is because deep down i know i need help. i know i think...i need to let out some things, to ask the questions i've been needing to understand what's really happened.
i'm scared terrics, i'm really scared. i don't understand what the h@ll is going on with me. all this has me so messed up, i don't even know...i don't know anything anymore.
i'm just to tired, so scared, so numb....so tired.thank you for listening.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:359373
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/359373.html